Dogs Is So Stupid!

My girl snapped her chain in her excitement at seeing me arrive at home earlier today.  There’s nothing like the enthusiasm of a dog, right? Anyway, she needs to go out in the yard a few times before wifey brings the new chain home later on. There was a 3 foot piece that I latched to her collar that was not attached to anything. She went about her business, sat in the sun and barked when she wanted to go back in. Business as usual! She’s not fenced in or anything of the sort-she just abided by the ritual. Love that girl!

Got a story about your dog? Let me hear it.

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Moose -The End Is Well NighThePirateSlothBeastmode Ate My BabyRikki-Tikki-DeadlyPorky Prime Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I’m joining this dog pile late.

I got lucky when I adopted my puppy. I just got her genetic dna tests back, and she is now certified as a Black Lab, German Shepard. American Staffordshire Terrier mix – 50/25/25. She’s smarter than the average black lab, more energetic than the average shepard, and 100% less bitey than the average Staffordshire. I started training her to be an Oregon Search and Rescue dog, but she is incredibly damned excited when she meets other people and animals, so she failed that requirement and I did not have the heart to train that excitedness out of her.

She is currently passed out and farting on my bed. Which will never not be funny to me.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

We had a lab/Newfie mix for a few years. He was big, dumb & adored my wife. If he got left out in the rain, he’d blame her…he’d sit next to me, but keep glancing over his shoulder at her to let her know she should be feeling guilty. The fact that I left him out there as well was immaterial…he expected that shit from me.

He also loved small dogs…the smaller the better. Take him to the park and he’d zoom in on the tiniest dog there & want to go over to make friends. No doubt from the perspective of the tiny dog it was like Andre the Giant coming to step on Billy Barty, but he’d sniff noses and wag his stub-tail like mad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, earlier in the evening my cat was licking my dog’s face and biting her neck and the dog just sat there and took it.

I sure do love those furry monsters.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I have to confess this here because I can’t tell my family. I have a smallish house, two small kids, a couple cats, and when our Pomeranian died, I said “no more dogs” out of a combination of convenience and guilt. I don’t even have time for a low maintenance dog, is what I’m saying, and our attention is spread real thin.

Yet every time my dumbass nephews–who do not own or rent their own places, they live on and off with Grandma–decide they’re going to bring home fucking pit bulls even though IT ISN’T THEIR GODDAMN HOUSE…

…I realize that I think I really, really like pit bulls. A sweet tempered pit bull is just about the nicest dog I can imagine. This flies in the face of “never again” and also 3 decades of media horror stories about how pit bulls are the hounds of hell.

Oh, and nomonkeyfun reminded me…the only vicious fucking mutt that ever bit me was a Golden Retriever, that lunged over a five foot fence to puncture my upper arm. FUCK YOU MARLEY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My dog bit a dude, I know why; she was just “defending” her yard. You have to be vigilant. Sounds like you nephews may be the types who are irresponsible and could foster another situation. Totally agree; pit bull attacks are nearly always due to the fucking assholes that are attracted to the breed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Going full on lazy my dog is more than glad to adapt the same attitude and lay around watching TV. She is disturbed during Bronco games; rightly so.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

Was never allowed to have a dog, because my Father thought animals belonged in the wild, or in a zoo.
My Grandfather had the meanest dumbest dog I ever knew. He bit my Grandmother once so severely she had to go to the hospital. Also, bit my Aunt on the other side of the family. That Aunt only told me, because she didn’t want the dog to be put down. Both of these women had dogs for at least twenty years of their lives at the time they were bit.

The only people in my family who would take this dog for a walk were me and my Grandfather. Not that the dog was any calmer with me, but I was convinced that if it came down to it, I could defend myself.

The breed, Golden Retriever.

Also, when this dog was about 5 or so, my Grandmother got a dog of her own. The sweetest English Springer Spaniel you’d ever meet. Whenever you put the two of them in the car, the Golden would try to hump the Spaniel. They were both fixed. It was hilarious to watch, and even more so to hear my Grandmother yell, “Duffy, stop trying to hump your sister.”

King Hippo

It’s been raining all day. My indoor/outdoor cats are super pissed off at me. Because they have this weird duality about them, where they simultaneously view me as having godlike powers to control the weather, but also a clearly inferior life form that is quite lucky to be allowed to live in their house.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

One of my sister’s cats is a dog.

I swear to gob, that cat is fucking crazy.

King Hippo

One of mine will follow my kids on walks around the neighborhood, to the school bus stop, etc. Just like a dog would. It’s uncanny.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My dog hasn’t done anything too wild today except “misinterpret” the sound of my wife sitting on the bed as an invitation to come into the bedroom.

The other day she ditched my wife at the park and ran home all by herself. I’m glad I was asleep because I would have lost my mind looking for her.

monty this seems strange to me

Rikki has also been guilty of “misinterpreting” his wife’s actions as an invitation to come into the bedroom.

WCS

Valentine’s Day in 2008. I bought the wifey the stereotypical box o’ chocolate, which she opened and ate a few pieces of. After we adjured for holiday sexy time, we came back out to the living room, and, yes the dog ate what was almost an entire box of chocolate. Wifey starts to panic, since dogs can’t eat chocolate.

If you watched the above clip (and you should), we called an emergency vet line (it was probably 21:00), and they told us to pour hydrogen peroxide down her throat. We got the dog outside, and for the next half hour or so, watched her yack up EVERYTHING in her stomach, intestines, liver, kidneys, and probably tail. Dumb dog. She made it, though, she she’s still here, staring at me with that vacant look because her brain is dumber than used condom whenever she has to go outside.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We had to do that with ours. All I had to do to get her to drink the hydrogen peroxide was drop a few pieces of ham in it.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

My mother in law’s stupid Chihuahua are an entire bag of fun size Snickers. Of course, Mexicans don’t call the vet unless there’s a Lomb missing. Nothing happened…I think it has to be actual dark chocolate with a high cocoa content, thankfully.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

*limb…what the fuck is a Lomb?

Horatio Cornblower

Our vet told us that dogs have to eat a metric shit ton of chocolate to poison themselves. I’m not sure what a “metric shit ton” actually is but it’s apparently a lot.

Neutron Dance Hall Days
Neutron Dance Hall Days

Sounds like the exact opposite of my old dog. I’ll just say this — never underestimate the creativity, intelligence, and physical agility of a Border Collie mix when she decides she’d rather be outside her (well fenced) yard.

monty this seems strange to me

Yes, same thing with our border collie.

Old School Zero

Fine. FINE. Let’s just ignore Horatio’s outburst, AS USUAL, and move along.

I just bought a small book filled with fried chicken recipes, and I have access to my neighbors countertop electric fryer whenever I need it. You know where this is heading…

…3rd degree burns.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, you burned your dog? You deep fried a hot dog? I’m not getting where this is dog-related…

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, what the fuck man? I just buried my dog, I didn’t deep fry her. What is wrong with you?

Old School Zero

You’ve never had Korean fried chicken?

nomonkeyfun

So that’s why there are so many missing dog flyers in my town.
Had some really good Szechuan “pork” from the Chinese place last weekend, noticed there were fewer feral cats than normal this week.

Horatio Cornblower

My dog died June 29th. I miss her every day.

Top that one assholes.

Old School Zero

Goddamnit. Shut the thread down. I SAID SHUT IT DOWN!

monty this seems strange to me

YOU TOLD ME SHE WENT TO LIVE ON A FARM UPSTATE