I have taken this day off work as long as I can remember, and hell…I am genuinely sick this year. Just hope I don’t die before the coma weekend ends. To the games!

13W UNC-Wilmington vs. 4W Duke (12:15, CBS)

Wow, the Devils don’t even get the 7:00 pm Spotlight dance from CBS this season. Somebody must not have called as promised after a round of hotel sex. This is a trendy upset pick, but I don’t think the Seahawks are really that good. Wait until Sunday for your Kryzenfreude (too lazy to google his full name).

9MW Butler vs. 8MW Texas Tech (12:40, truTV)

Huzzah! Tubby Smith returns to the tourney. The Red Raiders aren’t exactly knon for their basketball prowess, but they play in a murderous league, so could be a little better than expected. Not Butler, though. The magic all left with Brad Stevens.

9S UConn vs 8S Colorado (1:30, TNT)

Nothing says good old-fashioned Confederate hoops like the Huskies and the Buffaloes! Most of my pools fade UConn here – they are just a little TOO hot, and everyone is going to pick them. Plus, they only beat other American conference teams, ya know? I know fuckall about Colorado.

13MW Iona vs. 4MW Iowa State (2:00, TBS)

Don’t think too hard about why this is also a midwest bracket matchup, and no east games have tipped – your brain will bleed. Anyway, I am glad this one is being played before my eyes glaze over, as this will be damned enjoyable basketball for the viewer. These teams can score, and look like fluid 1970s squadrons doing so. And yeah, Iona could easily win.

12W Yale vs. 5W Baylor (2:45, CBS)

What if I told you that the Bush family team was going to get their asses handed to them by BayBay? Would you flip to other games?

16MW Hampton vs. 1MW Virginia (3:10, truTV)

Hey, if you want a reason to dream, Hampton is one of the select few to have pulled off a 15/2 upset. Sure would be nice if they made history against Wahoowa. Otherwise, this is about when the nap instinct starts to creep in.

16S Austin Peay vs. 1S Kansas (4:00, TNT)

Clearly, the scheduling director failed “how to keep an audience engaged” 101. Fuck a duck.

12MW Arkansas-Little Rock vs. 5MW Purdue (4:30, TBS)

Fun fact, the Trojans were one of the original 1980s “oh shit, not THESE guys” teams you never wanted to see in your first round bracket. Purdue is a pretty tough matchup for any Cinderella, though – they just have too much size.