Hired Goonies? I Didn’t Hire Any Goonies…

INT. A DINGY RESTAURANT BASEMENT – DAY

A struggling prisoner sits tied to a chair.  A pair of goons stand over him menacingly.

GOON 1: When’s Mama gettin’ back?

GOON 2: [puffing on a cigar] Should be any minute now.

GOON 1: [to prisoner] When she gets here, tubby, you’re gonna spill your guts.

GOON 2: You’se better do it metaphorically, or’s else you’se gonna be doing it literally. [blows a blast of smoke into the prisoner’s face]

GOON 1: [coughs] Hey, man, could you put that damned cigar out?

STEVE BISCIOTTI: Wassa matter?  You’se worried the smell is gonna get into your toupee?

STAN KROENKE: [touches his “hair”] Shut up, I don’t wear a toupee!

KROENKE lunges at BISCIOTTI and the two begin wrestling. 

— [door flies open] —

MARTHA FORD: Knock it off, you jackasses!

The two release each other as FORD walks into the room carrying a blender and a large paper bag with the word BUBBA’S printed on it.  She sets the blender down on a table next to the prisoner and makes a casual, deliberate show of plugging it in.  She reaches into the bag and pulls out a container of hot link sausages.

FORD: Grab his arm!

KROENKE and BISCIOTTI grab the prisoner’s arm as FORD removes the top of the blender and fires it up.

FORD: First we start with the pudgy little fingers…

FORD drops the sausages into the blender and the whirring noise changes pitch as they are mashed into a greasy paste.

FORD: Then the plump little hand…

She takes some brisket and drops it into the blender.

FORD: Then the fleshy arm…

She drops in a handful of pulled pork.

FORD: AND THEN WE ADD SOME KALE! SOME NICE, HEALTHY, LEAFY KALE!

PRISONER: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

ANDY REID: [breaks down whimpering] Stop, stop!  All right, I’ll talk!

FORD: Now, all of us are playing against the Giants this season.  Tell me how you manage to keep beating them.

REID: Goosebumps.

FORD: Don’t lie to me!

REID: Honest, lady! Every night before we play the Giants we FedEx one of the Goosebumps books over to Eli Manning.  He gets so spooked that he can’t sleep right and he comes out flat!

BISCIOTTI: Don’t give us none of your bullshit stories, huh?

KROENKE: [forcing REID to look him in the eyes] Hey kid.  I want you to spill your guts.  Tell us everything.

REID: [gulps] Everything?

KROENKE: Everything.

REID: Okay, I’ll talk.  [takes a deep breath] In Superbowl XXXIX I used one of my timeouts in the third quarter and didn’t stop the clock at all during our drive in the last five minutes when we were down 10 points.  In 2010 against the Redskins I had first and goal with 1:45 left in the half and we had to kick a field goal on third down cause I ran out of time. In 2015 against the Bengals we had the ball with two minutes left and two timeouts and we only managed to run three plays…

…five minutes later…

REID: …and then…at the NFL Owners’ meeting…our session went long and we had to skip lunch and when it was time for the buffet that night I went nuts and pigged out and they threw me ou-ou-out [blubbering]…and then the Chiefs were so embarrassed they told the press that I was never there cause I’d had knee surgery…

…five more minutes later…

BISCIOTTI: [with an arm over Andy’s shoulder] I’m beginning to like this kid.

REID: But the worst thing I ever done, was at a game in Tampa Bay.  And it was ninety degrees and really humid and so we all ate ice cream at halftime.  And then in the third quarter…the trainer told me that one of my players might have heatstroke…but I sent him back on the field anyways…and when he got to the line of scrimmage…he made a noise like this.