Soft Ride to Somewhere (A Tribute to The Dick Joke Pioneers)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD – DAY

Open on a scene of a backyard barbecue.  It’s a bright, sunny day.  The weather and foliage suggests somewhere in one of the Mid-Atlantic states.  Maryland, or possibly Northern Virginia.  The mouth-watering smell of charcoal and grilled meat fills the air.  Three middle-aged gentlemen stand in a rough triangle, sipping beer and chatting cheerfully.

FLUBBY: …and so it turned out it had been in there the whole time!

PUNTE: Sounds like somebody is going to need a new proctologist!

UNSILENT MAJORITY: Ha ha ha ha ha!

— [patio door flies open] —

bernard-berrian

BERNARD BERRIAN: Ha ha ha ha ha!  Yeah!  B-Twice is ALL UP IN YO SHIT!

FLUBBY: Excuse me, who are you?

BERNARD BERRIAN: B to the E to the R to the…

FLUBBY: [rolls his eyes, turns back to his conversation with PUNTE and UNSILENT MAJORITY] So anyway, back the millennial thing, we just hired on one of the partner’s kids as an intern…

BERNARD BERRIAN: [stamping his feet for attention] Kissing Suzy Kolber?  More like KISSING YOUR WEBSITE’S ASS GOODBYE!

lindsay-deierling2

LINDSEY DEIERLING: [walks up] Hey, there aren’t any gluten-free options here.  I’m pretty sure that’s, like, illegal or something.

FLUBBY: [sighs, realizes that simply ignoring the problem won’t make it go away] This is a private party.  How did you two even get in here?

BERNARD BERRIAN: I just knocked real loud out front, put on a mean mug, and as soon as your boy on the door saw he me was all…

Drew Magary – Chopped

UNSILENT MAJORITY: Goddamnit, I told you he’d be useless out there.

FLUBBY: I thought his size would be intimidating.

PUNTE: He’s not even that big anymore!  And even when he was two-sixty he wasn’t exactly menacing.

UNSILENT MAJORITY: Yeah, it’s like being afraid of a mattress soaked in bacon grease.  I mean yeah, you certainly don’t want to TOUCH it, but you’re not exactly worried it’s gonna chase you down.

PUNTE:  We should have let Ufford do it.

Cutaway to earlier in the afternoon, as a very intense MATT UFFORD lobbies to be put in charge of “security” for the event.

ufford-flex

UFFORD: Son, we live in a subdivision with walls.  And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns [points to biceps, flexes them].  Who’s gonna do it?  You?  You, Lieutentant Weinberg?

LIEUTENANT WEINBERG: [through a mouthful of potato salad] Huh?

Back to present…

FLUBBY: Yeah, I don’t know if that would have been any better.  At least he got Peter King to go away.

PUNTE: [winks at FLUBBY, turns and grabs Bernard Berrian by the elbow] Let me introduce you to Mike Tunison.  You heard about how the Browns put an analytics guy in charge of their personnel decisions?  HE’S THAT GUY!

BERNARD BERRIAN: [oblivious to the fact that CHRISTMAS APE is wearing a Steelers jersey] No shit?  Cause I heard they need receivers.  And I gots some bills to pay.  [lowers voice, gestures at LINDSEY] I ain’t even paid her yet this year.  Now it’s been a couple years, but I’ve still got wheels…[trails off as PUNTE leads him away]

PUNTE leads BERNARD BERRIAN away.

LINDSEY: So I heard your stupid website got shut down.

UNSILENT MAJORITY:  Yeah, I guess it did, eventually.

FLUBBY: It’s been a while since we wrote there.

LINDSEY: So are you guys, like, poor and stuff now?

FLUBBY: You know I’m a lawyer, right?

LINDSEY: Well, whatever.  You guys are done.

UNSILENT MAJORITY: I suppose.  But we left on our own terms.

LINDSEY: I don’t even understand what that, like, means or whatever.

FLUBBY: It means we wrote a bunch of dick jokes for a number of years, and then stopped writing as many and now we just watch football.  Just because we stopped doing it doesn’t mean that it stopped happening.

UNSILENT MAJORITY: Dick jokes aren’t a physical thing that you can stop.  They’ll keep popping up, whether you want them to or not.

FLUBBY: It’s like a wellspring.  You can try to plug it up, but it’s just going to start flowing from somewhere else.

LINDSEY: Wait, so we didn’t, like, beat you guys?

UNSILENT MAJORITY: Well, no, in that there was never a “you guys” to beat.

FLUBBY: Sure, we were the guys who got it started.

A rhythm begins to build.

UNSILENT MAJORITY: But it was never about us.  It was about the jokes.

FLUBBY: It’s always been about the jokes.

UNSILENT MAJORITY: You can threaten lawsuits.

The crescendo reaches its pitch…

FLUBBY: And you can lock us out of wordpress, and you can take away our domains.

The two of them raise their beers high. 

TOGETHER: But you’ll never take OUR DICK JOKES!


Best wishes to all the originals at KSK, and those who followed in their footsteps.  Thanks again for keeping us entertained for as long as you did, and I hope that you’re all doing well up there in dick joke heaven, or wherever else you happened to end up.  

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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JerBear50UnsurprisedMoose -The End Is Well NighBloody LethalRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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JerBear50
JerBear50

Goddammit Rikki, you’re still not getting any more KOTW awards. You’ve already got a closet full so just stop this pandering.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Best wishes to Matt Rothstein!

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Watch out! Bernard is gonna come sue us all for putting words in his talky-hole that he actually didn’t say!

And I gots some bills to pay.

Wait, no, he’s definitely said that before.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

“They’ll keep popping up, whether you want them to or not.”

What you did there, I see it. Well done.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50
JerBear50

Shouldn’t Blax and Sill be in there too?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Genuine LOL at “Yeah, it’s like being afraid of a mattress soaked in bacon grease. I mean yeah, you certainly don’t want to TOUCH it, but you’re not exactly worried it’s gonna chase you down.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I wouldn’t want a dirty hippie to touch me regardless of the reason.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Goddamn it, Drew!

The bacon grease-soaked mattress struck too close to home.

theeWeeBabySeamus
ballsofsteelandfury

comment image?w=400

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

It is like, how you say, to push a rope?