Your Football-Centric, But Really, Just Have At It Saturday Afternoon/Evening Open Thread

Well, well, well. It would seem that we have a half-decent slate of games to nibble on before the usual Sunday feast. [time passes, like it always does] There are NO games tomorrow? None? It’s as though the NFL is run by idiots of the first order, doesn’t it? [sees thousands upon thousands upon thousands of football fans nodding their heads in unison in his mind’s eye]

Panthers/Titans-This just in-Panthers backup qb Derek Anderson is still, still, in the league. I thought everyone in the NFL (and probably his wife as well) had bailed on him long ago. Related-the other backup is Joe Webb and he also continues to collect a paycheque. Perseverance, thy name is shitty play-caller.

I mentioned this rook wr Tajae Sharpe last week and it looks as though there’s no letting up with this kid. He’s blown up the depth chart, leaving the likes of Andre Johnson, Harry Douglas, Kendall Wright and Justin Hunter in his wake. I must give Titans GM Jon Robinson a ton of credit for finding a starting wr in the fifth round. What he obviously didn’t spend on haircuts he had to have plowed into scouting.

Giants/Bills-THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK (sorry Jets, you’re not invited…again) takes place at 4pm Eastern on The NFL Network. Holy Shitballs!, injured-in-perpetuity wr Cruz is travelling with the team for the game! Unfounded rumours persist that a dementia-addled, surly old man who called himself “Tom” insisted on riding the team bus up to Buffalo.

Speaking of old men, where is Fred Jackson these days? It’s hard to believe that some team wouldn’t want to kick the tires on a tired 35 year-old rb that has little to no gas left in the tank.

Ravens/Colts-Fantasy-wise, would you touch any of the wr’s on this Ravens club? Me neither. Looking at their roster I see a bunch of youngish athletes that may never have had the attribute “talented” attached to them. Wallace is 30 and can still run those 2, maybe 3 routes that he runs and Smith Sr. is coming back from shredding his achilles. Best to stay away from this bunch.

Qb Luck is in for a quarter or so tonight. Keep an eye on wr Moncrief if you’re looking for value later on in your draft. This has to be Gore’s last time round as a starter, right? How the hell does he keep doing it on two rebuilt knees and a hip that will need replacing in a few years?

Bucs/Jags-With qb Winston coming along, the Muscle Hamster looking great in camp and the Evans/Jackson duo at wr, Tampa might have an under-rated offense this year. The d-line is solid as long as McCoy is around and lb Kwon Alexander turned quite a few heads as a rook last year. They might be a sneaky playoff pick.

Word-wise ‘Bortles’ is quite close to ‘bourble’-that can’t be a coincidence in this neck of the woods. Is it just me or do the Jags seem as though they should be an NFC team? It’s just me? Well, I’ll just go about adjusting my medication then. [storms out of room]

Saints/Texans-Expected starting cb Keenan Lewis was waived by the Saints t’udder day. It came as a surprise to those who follow the team. Given how lousy the secondary has been the last few years, I’m torn as to whether this was a good move or not. It’s not as though they’ve a bevy of talent to stick in there yet the herd should be thinned, I guess. I’m over-PK-ing this, aren’t I?

Speaking of things that don’t exist (solid coverage by a member of the Saints secondary, the Texans), name me one te/wr on the Houston roster that can take some of the pressure off the shoulders of the outstanding DeAndre Hopkins. I knew you couldn’t.

49ers/Broncos-Jeff Foxworthy is still whoring for Golden Corral? Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Kaepernick won’t be playing tonight. Someone on the coaching staff must really like him. My question is “Why?”. (That was a “Denver has a great D” joke, btw)

Holy Exploding Bananacakes!!! 2015 seventh round draft pick/afterthought and adorably dorky-looking Trevor Siemian is running with the first team tonight. Apparently Coach Kubiak has a (strictly non-sexual) man-boner for the young ‘un and thinks he can be a starter sooner rather than later. The thing is, John Elway’s man-boner for Paxton Lynch holds more weight. Hey Gary, what’s it like not having the ear/trust of your boss?

Chiefs/Rams-I came across this by accident in the ESPN comments (I know, I know) This is a guy responding to someone else’s complaint about there being too many preseason games-

They had 6 preseason games in the 70s 80s and 90s then so what’s your point it’s 20 games and yes the NFL is in control that’s why it’s called the NFL do you what (sic) the government to control the NFL I do think Trump would be a better Commiss.

I think we all owe this man a debt of gratitude for conserving commas, periods, apostrophes and exclamation marks so that there will always be some available to us when we need them. Kudos to you, good sir!

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Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

oh fer chrissake bills hahaha

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I will endeavor to overreact to on and off the field things that will be inconsequential once the season gets started as best as I can.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/e64f6d1b04e4a50a6c34daa6db75689b/tumblr_o2rehfMbnL1ub1jaco5_r1_250.gif

Fronkenshteen
Member

HALF OF MY HEAD IS IN CHEMO

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Russia 22 — 19 France for the women’s handball gold.

http://www1.expatica.com/upload/aoife/Muffet_borsch_soup.jpg

Seriously Russian food is fucking terrible. Nothing at all redeeming about it.

When I first got to Moscow I told my Russian handler/bodyguard/spy that I wanted to get some Russian food for dinner His exact words:

“You don’t want Russian food. Russian food is nothing but beets and shit.”

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Stroganoff?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

That’s just beef and sour cream over egg noodles.

The only place I’ve been that had worse national food than Russia was Portugal, and that’s because they don’t know how to make anything without seafood in it.

French, Japanese, and Uzbek food are what you eat in Russia.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

French GK has a tongue stud.

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

We get it. Bartolo Colon, a very fat man who somehow managed to be a Major League pitcher into his 40’s, hitting a homerun is funny. But it’s not so funny that we need to be producing video packages about it months later. Dude was busted for using fucking HGH and everyone just chuckles about it while practically hissing at Barry Bonds. (But Barry Bonds is an asshole! Yeah, because being MEAN is the worst thing a person can do.)

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Got France v Russia in the women’s handball final on MSNBC.

http://www.balkandmc.com/images/vesti/handball2v.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

When I see that picture, in my head I hear Wayne and Garth screaming “UNNECESSARY AERIAL MANEUVER!”

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

It really sucks when Jets/Giants games are national games.

The one sweet thing about living in the NYC metroplex is the shitload of in-market games you get.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Yeah but buttfumble.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Yeah but selfish.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Impressive.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“It’s a bit of a showy and unorthodox way to throw off pursuit, but you can’t argue with results.”

– Jim Caldwell

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Titans hold Cam to two yard scramble on third down, celebrate as though they just won the division.

entropy
Member

It’s the best play they’ll have all season. Let ’em have their fun.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

So I was watching one of those porn casting videos and I couldn’t stop thinking about the conspicuous copy of Infinite Jest positioned on a table behind the couch. I guess this was someone’s clever answer to someone betting they couldn’t make porn even more masturbatory.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

/notices you noticing what book is on the table in a porn video
//calls somebody to get you put on a list

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

It’s a thick book. I notice that sort of thing.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I actually really enjoyed Infinite Jest. Someday I’ll find a section of it to use for BookFliesOpen.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

It’s made my list of books to read just to say I’ve read them as opposed to having any real interest in them.

But I do like the idea of overly-intellectual references being smuggled into porn. Call it sexual juxtaposition.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Okay, I take it back, these local Tennessee ads are awesome.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Exploding Bananacakes sounds like a delightful dessert.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

While we’re on the subject of rehab, I think I have a problem.

I’m watching the Titans game.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Just imagine how much worse your problem would be if you played for them.

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