Your Football-Centric, But Really, Just Have At It Saturday Afternoon/Evening Open Thread

Well, well, well. It would seem that we have a half-decent slate of games to nibble on before the usual Sunday feast. [time passes, like it always does] There are NO games tomorrow? None? It’s as though the NFL is run by idiots of the first order, doesn’t it? [sees thousands upon thousands upon thousands of football fans nodding their heads in unison in his mind’s eye]

Panthers/Titans-This just in-Panthers backup qb Derek Anderson is still, still, in the league. I thought everyone in the NFL (and probably his wife as well) had bailed on him long ago. Related-the other backup is Joe Webb and he also continues to collect a paycheque. Perseverance, thy name is shitty play-caller.

I mentioned this rook wr Tajae Sharpe last week and it looks as though there’s no letting up with this kid. He’s blown up the depth chart, leaving the likes of Andre Johnson, Harry Douglas, Kendall Wright and Justin Hunter in his wake. I must give Titans GM Jon Robinson a ton of credit for finding a starting wr in the fifth round. What he obviously didn’t spend on haircuts he had to have plowed into scouting.

Giants/Bills-THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK (sorry Jets, you’re not invited…again) takes place at 4pm Eastern on The NFL Network. Holy Shitballs!, injured-in-perpetuity wr Cruz is travelling with the team for the game! Unfounded rumours persist that a dementia-addled, surly old man who called himself “Tom” insisted on riding the team bus up to Buffalo.

Speaking of old men, where is Fred Jackson these days? It’s hard to believe that some team wouldn’t want to kick the tires on a tired 35 year-old rb that has little to no gas left in the tank.

Ravens/Colts-Fantasy-wise, would you touch any of the wr’s on this Ravens club? Me neither. Looking at their roster I see a bunch of youngish athletes that may never have had the attribute “talented” attached to them. Wallace is 30 and can still run those 2, maybe 3 routes that he runs and Smith Sr. is coming back from shredding his achilles. Best to stay away from this bunch.

Qb Luck is in for a quarter or so tonight. Keep an eye on wr Moncrief if you’re looking for value later on in your draft. This has to be Gore’s last time round as a starter, right? How the hell does he keep doing it on two rebuilt knees and a hip that will need replacing in a few years?

Bucs/Jags-With qb Winston coming along, the Muscle Hamster looking great in camp and the Evans/Jackson duo at wr, Tampa might have an under-rated offense this year. The d-line is solid as long as McCoy is around and lb Kwon Alexander turned quite a few heads as a rook last year. They might be a sneaky playoff pick.

Word-wise ‘Bortles’ is quite close to ‘bourble’-that can’t be a coincidence in this neck of the woods. Is it just me or do the Jags seem as though they should be an NFC team? It’s just me? Well, I’ll just go about adjusting my medication then. [storms out of room]

Saints/Texans-Expected starting cb Keenan Lewis was waived by the Saints t’udder day. It came as a surprise to those who follow the team. Given how lousy the secondary has been the last few years, I’m torn as to whether this was a good move or not. It’s not as though they’ve a bevy of talent to stick in there yet the herd should be thinned, I guess. I’m over-PK-ing this, aren’t I?

Speaking of things that don’t exist (solid coverage by a member of the Saints secondary, the Texans), name me one te/wr on the Houston roster that can take some of the pressure off the shoulders of the outstanding DeAndre Hopkins. I knew you couldn’t.

49ers/Broncos-Jeff Foxworthy is still whoring for Golden Corral? Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Kaepernick won’t be playing tonight. Someone on the coaching staff must really like him. My question is “Why?”. (That was a “Denver has a great D” joke, btw)

Holy Exploding Bananacakes!!! 2015 seventh round draft pick/afterthought and adorably dorky-looking Trevor Siemian is running with the first team tonight. Apparently Coach Kubiak has a (strictly non-sexual) man-boner for the young ‘un and thinks he can be a starter sooner rather than later. The thing is, John Elway’s man-boner for Paxton Lynch holds more weight. Hey Gary, what’s it like not having the ear/trust of your boss?

Chiefs/Rams-I came across this by accident in the ESPN comments (I know, I know) This is a guy responding to someone else’s complaint about there being too many preseason games-

They had 6 preseason games in the 70s 80s and 90s then so what’s your point it’s 20 games and yes the NFL is in control that’s why it’s called the NFL do you what (sic) the government to control the NFL I do think Trump would be a better Commiss.

I think we all owe this man a debt of gratitude for conserving commas, periods, apostrophes and exclamation marks so that there will always be some available to us when we need them. Kudos to you, good sir!

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Col. Duke LaCross

Ember Moon…holy shit!

Covalent Blonde

It is terrifying that in the 3 days that Ponder has been in town we finally found a starting QB. This is gonna be a weird season.

laserguru

Weird may not be the proper word.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That whole story about how Ponder was painting his house when the 49ers called makes me worry that they meant to call Curtis Painter and somehow dialed the wrong number, but were too embarrassed to admit their mistake.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Covalent Blonde

Oh god… why is it so weird to find myself cheering for Ponder to get a touchdown?

Duchess

Does this mean you are now a Good Christian (Ponder) Woman?

Covalent Blonde

Get us above a 4-12 season and I will say “maybe”

laserguru

So so sad

Duchess

Today has been a long day. Started out dealing with trying to get two parties to agree to a 486k purchase of a home. Then midway through it finding out my credit card had been stolen or dropped out of my pants and some ass hole ran up a 4.5k tab. Luckily credit companies just want to write fraud off so that should be cleared up in two weeks.

Covalent Blonde

Yikes! I hope you enjoyed whatever you bought!

Covalent Blonde

Oh yes, Ponder is in. Here we begin to hope for our new battle cry, “Third and manageable.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Homo Siemian?

/sorry

Covalent Blonde

I was fine with so much until, “Yeah, Ponder was painting his house when he got the call from the Niners…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wonder if it with Dutch Boy……..

Covalent Blonde

Not sure that he was really shelling out for premium enamel?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Guess we’ll have some precipitation……

http://media.giphy.com/media/4k3Zck4wQYiKQ/giphy-downsized-large.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Almost as if the ghost of Benny Hill invaded the producer.

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-58946-sneeze-boobs-pop-out-tight-dre-hDwq.gif

Shogun Marcus

I’m drizzling.

Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH DOES NOT WANT HALF TO END

Brocky
Gratliff

Yup. SummerSlam is fucked.

Sill Bimmons

Some fight that got Jeremy Maclin and Lamarcus Joyner ejected just happened off camera.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t usually mind oddly matched couples, but damn; somebody’s gettin’ hurt.

Gratliff

Just went nuts for a black dude in Brooklyn playing violin in front of a Japanese dude dressed like Thriller-era Michael Jackson. All is right in the world.

Brocky

You know how they say you shouldn’t go to the groceriy store hungry?

I wonder if you should never go to a bar hungry.

Because fucking greasy bar pizza sounds so fucking good right now.

No i’m not high. I’m just lazy and forgot to go shopping for anything that can be prepared relatively quickly, plus you know, liquor

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT IT!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“They’ll call back, quickly I hope.”

http://buzzlamp.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/G7dGHup.gif

Gratliff

My house right now:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

My house:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The guy that outsmarted the “Genius”? Let’s cook him a damn fine burger!

Sill Bimmons
Spur

Why couldn’t The Donkey’s get a marquee quarterback? They just won a Superbowl with Defense.

Brocky

Jay cutler wasn’t available

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And just who did you have in mind?

http://newsimg.ngfiles.com/129000/129252_unicorn.gif

herodotus450

What ever happened to Kaepernick?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He wouldn’t drop his asking price and while physically much more talented than Sanchez, he has trouble reading defenses still. Plus shoulder surgery.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Welp, since the O’s are taking it sans lube, and I’d rather watch Tawwmy fellate Gisele than watch Chiefs/Rams, I’m off to continue my day long dvr’d documentary catch up session.
Might be back later. If not, have nice nite gents.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Moose has a negative effect on another party with his dry skin.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/02e85a315041cb45bd1fd69560a87331/tumblr_obig18Zco41spnykgo1_1280.jpg

Spur

Siemian with the Mark Sanchez impression

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He has the benefit of inexperience. Sanchez will be Sanchez.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

MEEEEOW!

Gratliff

Asuka time!

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Brocky

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Shogun Marcus

Please to enjoy my pug (the Boston abstained) and one of the cats.
imgur.com/gallery/KCPCYAg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Might be the most tolerant cat in evar.

Shogun Marcus

Thing is the cats don’t/won’t eat cat food. Evar. We only buy dog food. Top line stuff, but weirdos.

King Hippo

huh, I’ve heard of dogs who love cat food, but never the reverse

Brocky

+1

Brocky
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur

Was Ottoman the only resident Chiefs fan?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought there were a couple of others, but I can’t keep track and forgot the cheatPEDsheet of the various fandoms.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/35ea26d9802867dc17eb146298981553/tumblr_n1it56rPmq1rv43zto1_500.gif

King Hippo

I swear I couldn’t think of any others.

Also, Team Sanchize??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m trusting the Kubes to do the best he can with a good D and a descent offense around shaky QBs….. it worked “OK” last year, although they will see every team’s A game this year. I would not be surprised if during the year there is a few games with him benched or even beat out straight up.

The “experts” at ESPN have them dropping off the map this year and I just don’t see it.

Spur

Reminds me of two years the Jets Defense carried Taco.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So expect some conservative play calling….. although a lot of times Kubes can’t help himself and will say “Fuck it; DT or Sanders deep.”

Spur

We should do a new fandom cheatsheet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought someone did one….. but I have many useless facts in my brain taking up space…. so no idea.

Gratliff

What the fuck is going on with the internet today?

Spur

Sanchez or Siemian, I think every Broncos fan is excited to hear who the starter will be after this game.

King Hippo

Sanchize ALL THE WAY to Superb Owl LI!!!

Spur

RAM IT!

Sill Bimmons
Gratliff

Try and get this shit out of your head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7oMBq1vkCM

theeWeeBabySeamus

Halftime redneck feast: (which only yeah right will appreciate probably)
NC style BBQ (homemade)
Brunswick Stew (homemade as he already knows)
Cole Slaw (homemade)
Hushpuppies (sadly from a mix..was lazy on that one)

Gratliff

Previously on NXT:
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herodotus450

Can’t wait for the Indians to crumble at the end of the regular season/first round of the playoffs

King Hippo

I look forward to masturbating along to this Elway/Kubiak NFLN puff piece.

...

Better than jerking off to Infinite Jest.

Spur

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Fronkenshteen

/opens YouTube

//clicks “search”

///gets as far as “e-z-”

////sees “Ezekiel Elliot Highlights” at top of drop down menu

I’m not sure what that means exactly, but wow!

Senor Weaselo

Evening everyone. I’ve had a decent chunk of a gallon pitcher of Slurpee (bring your own container day) and can’t see time and space like I wanted but combined with rum it tastes like cough syrup, and I’m currently in charge of wing night and making sauces that don’t kill anyone because my sister if recovering from gastritis. There’s also leftover taco meat for midnight.

It’s a good pre-travel night, what’s up?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Howdy…sounds like quite gourmet evening.
http://i.makeagif.com/media/8-25-2015/m4GLiV.gif

Spanky Datass

Slicing garlic and jalapenos for pizzas to put on the grill. Also drinking rum.

Spanky Datass

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t mess it up. Be a shame for Paulie to have to whack you.
Seriously, that sounds like it will shape up nicely as pies go. Nice.

Spanky Datass

Glad you got the Goodfellas gif. Made it worth the 15 seconds it took to find it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sadly, I’ve watched flick far too many times.

Gratliff

Another Summer Slam weekend. Another NXT show that’s going to steal the spotlight from the main roster. BIggest drama this weekend is what they’re going to call The O Face now that it’s being done in front of WWE crowds.

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Brocky

For the occasion, I shall challenge my spirit animal:

http://s.mlkshk-cdn.com/r/20K8

Brocky

Like I said, Spirit Animal

http://i48.tinypic.com/330y9nn.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have the rare O’s/Ravens flip going tonight. Let’s see if either team can avoid embarrassing the city tonight…OH GODDAMMIT!!!
That didn’t take long. OK Ravens, it’s up to you I guess. Don’t let me down…derp away.
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Sill Bimmons

Back to the fitbaw with hands….