Power Rankings of the Best of the Worst of the 0-2 Teams

There are plenty of ways to lose. There are macro reasons (meddlesome ownership) and micro (lousy use of timeouts, injuries). Let’s explore the eight teams burdened by a win-less start to the season and dig deep or not so deep into the derp. Not all reasons will be looked at today-after all, many of these teams will be sporting an 0-3 mark next week. And I shall be there…uh, here. Somewhere.

1. Cleveland Browns Could there possibly be another team at the one spot? The team that every fan points to when their own squad is going through a rough patch is enduring Hurricane Jesus Christ! Three weeks in and three starting qb’s. But let’s back up a bit. GM Kevin Costner entered the draft with a buttload (14) draft picks. However, if you want no wins in two tries you need a bit more than bad luck, you need to squander your resources! And Costner did a fine job, picking  five wide receivers and only two offensive lineman. Did I mention he signed an injury-prone RG3 in the offseason? Why not protect your asset? Yes, you the reader can accuse me of 20/20 hindsight but as a Cleveland front office type, Costner had to know that this was going to happen. Perhaps he was smart drafting all those wr’s instead of merely inviting most of them to free agent camp. That way they were obligated to go and couldn’t just look for a better offer. The league is freaking swimming in slant route runners but this is how math is done The Brown Way. 1. sign a wonky qb + 2. don’t bother to protect him + 3. don’t protect his backup + 4. have the backup’s backup be a rookie 5. draft a shit ton of wr’s=0-2. If things couldn’t get any Browns-ier, the one rook wr that was getting playing time just broke his hand in practice.

2. Buffalo Bills The defensive-oriented head coach of the Bills has seen his team give up 50 points over the course of the first two games. What to do…what to do? FIRE THE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, OF COURSE! I guess Rex has decided that the time isn’t right to throw Brother Rob under the bus because the former knows that the latter will hop that Greyhound to Vegas, convert his severance cheque into chips and place half of it on 6 and the other half on 9 at the roulette table, spin the wheel and howl while palming the breast of his escort for the evening. Buffalo’s next two games are home vs. the Cards and away against the Pats. I see 0-4.

3. Chicago Bears The Bears somehow lost on both Sunday and Monday night yet it isn’t reflected in the standings as of this writing. Bears’ fans lost when they tuned in to see them play against the Eagles. Qb Cutler lost the ability to hold on to the football. He’s got ligament damage in his thumb, maybe. Will it require surgery? Lb Lamar Houston lost himself a season by ACL-ing his knee. Other lb Trevathan is going under the knife for a thumb injury. Who does he think he is, a qb? Five other players are concussed or hamstringed or high-ankle sprained. If they’re able to field a team next week I’m sure they will end up 0-3.

4. Washington Redacteds Is there such a thing as karma? If there is Lil’ Danny Snyder is living it in the NFL. He must go about the acquisition of free agents the same way ordinary folks regard adding to their bobblehead collections. “Oooo! I must have that!” This is where cb Norman enters the room. Sure it’s early days but the 4.6-running 40 guy is kinda sorta looking like the beneficiary of the Panthers D setup. But he was  shiny-I will give him that, and Danny must, must have shiny things. Perhaps Norman will escape his fate and not be included with the likes of Jeff George, Albert Haynesworth, Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta and many, many others.

5. Indianapolis Colts The Colts have given up a whopping 73 points and 848 yards so far this year. If your goal as a team is to start 0-2 for the third year in a row kudos to you fine gentleman in the front office that continue to forget that a D must be fielded every game. Remember up above when I spoke about this being a pass-happy league? That very average secondary that began the season is now a mosaic of limpers and head-ouchers. Cb Butler (hamstring), cb Davis (ankle), cb Robinson (concussion) safety Geathers (foot) and safety Green (knee) are all not at full speed/being replaced with inferior talent. This is one of the reasons why-hold on to your armchair rests, folks-the D did not get a single, not a one, 3-and-out against a Trevor Siemian-led O last week. Wow. Now they face a 32 points a game-scoring Chargers team that even without Allen and Woodhead are frothing at the mouth at the chance to explore every nook and cranny of the end zone. Trade for wr Benjamin while you can.

6. Jacksonville Jags “Hello Darkness, my old friend.”-Blake Bortles How do you hold down a team that has young talent everywhere on the roster? Put that team in the hands of one Gus Bradley and watch him work his not-magic. And what a job he’s pulled off-a coaching record of 12-38 doesn’t just *happen*, my  friends. What Gus does is make absolutely sure that the Jags break training camp unprepared so that they are guaranteed to handicap themselves with a slow start. Over the course of his four years on the job he is 1 for September! This way a lousy work environment is established as early as possible for the players. Despite his best efforts the Jags sometimes win a game or two but Bradley is right there in the locker room afterwards reminding them of the uphill climb they have for the rest of the season. I think Old Gus is the first coach to go this year and with a name like that he can go back to his roots as a back-shaving, scrapyard-owning ‘Merican.

7. New Orleans Saints The unvaunted Saints D gave the O three fumble recoveries last week vs. the Giants and were rewarded with a big fat zero points in return. Let the narrative, “Brees is a whole ‘nother QB on the road”, ring from the mountaintops. One fansite I happened upon thought that the D giving up a mere 432 yards was progress because only 64 of that was on the ground. No one tell that poor soul that teams don’t bother with the run game because it’s so damn easy to pass on them. Still, I don’t think that the Saints are long for this list because they’ve got the Falcons on Monday night at home and that darn narrative tells me that Brees will go off for 450 and they win a 48-45 squeaker.

8. Miami Dolphins Rb Foster is injured [checks watch] right on time. Qb Tannehill threw for 389 yards vs. the Pats last week (Yay!) and was also the leading rusher (Wha…?) They host the #1-ranked Browns at home this week so I’m crossing them off the list. XXX

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BallsOfSteel

Is everything still broken?

/looks around
//looks like Cleveland/Baltimore

Yup!

Unrelated question: What’s the name of google group re: coordination of posts? I was trying to post the TV broadcast maps.

BallsOfSteel

“Door Flies Open” is the name of the Google Group.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

beraaaaap.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My dad is having his one remaining white friend coming into town tomorrow. A 300k a year white guy from Chicago that hates minorities and poor people. It was stupid of me to get up again after sleeping through the second half of the Pats game. I have no interest in talking to him this weekend but I think I have no choice. Setting my alarm for 6 in the morning so I can be prepared, wear khakis and a button down shirt and pretend I don’t find him offensive while he judges me.

Unsurprised

You always have a choice. Don’t say shit. Leave the room he’s in. Being an asshole is better for your mental and physical health than putting up with his shit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I went with gray slacks and one of those button up shirts made out of whatever that faux material is that is really soft and tricks women into touching it all the time. I also had to lose my beard again, I really like my terrible beard and miss it already.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I meant this:

comment image

Unsurprised

Yep. It’s Sexy Friday now.

Unsurprised

This bar is having trivia night and I can’t play because I came in too late and it’s driving me nuts because the questions are so easy

Brick Meathook

Is there something wonky going on with the DFO website? I can’t log-in on my iPad, yet my iPhone and desktop work just fine. This site hates my iPad.

/dick joke
//bewbs

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yes. There was a WordPress issue. DTZM is working on it, but OSZ and Cuntler got into a kerfuffle and tWBS just keeps jacking it, so nothing’s getting done today.

/try clearing your cache
//check back tomorrow

Beerguyrob

Jesus Christ! Patriots TV post-game is talking 16-0.

Unsurprised

How did 70 comments just appear between the time I got here and now?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Teleportation

Sharkbait

Really glad I started the Pats D in Insanity 2

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Really glad I started Gronk in a different league

Fronkenshteen

Novak just earned me a nice zero in Insanity 2. Did not take the kicker position seriously enough on draft day.

Unsurprised

Hi everybody!

Fronkenshteen

Ahoy-hoy!

Brocky

what if what ever is stopping us from posting, is what prevented the open thread from going up?

Gratliff

Can’t even get Hiller and Hopkins some garbage points smdh

Spanky Datass

Latex with toe jam and frumunda cheese flavor?

Gratliff

Oh my god, Brady comes back for Cleveland. He’s gonna recreate the Canadiens pre-game ice fire with actual fire.

Brocky

and he’s going to be verbally fellated more than a duke basketball player at a sorority

Gratliff

71 points for the Pats D. I’m okay with this outcome.

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