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Shitsmas Eve Morning Fantasy PANIC! Open Thread

King Hippo

/

,

Alas, there is no Lesser Footy to pass the nigh three hours until Greater Footy makes Saturday feel like a Sunday. I hope you brought a book, opened a gift early, and/or are Jewish.

I was exceedingly worried about SD both sitting on a lead AND ball security in wet/windy conditions on the Factory Floor (also apparently gonna be gross in KC tomorry night to commemorate some non-BLEERGH Saviour’s birth ,, smh) so I asked my trusty coin of fate, and this time it said YES YOU FOOL, make your panic last-minute changes and bench King Laserface and Tyreek Hill for the sure-to-be-passing-FOAR-60 minutes Crazy Eyez Bradford (SHUT UP, Purple Monkey Dishwaser Goff is my 3rd guy) in surprisingly balmy, placid Green Bay and Adam (hey, at least their good black guy is hurt again) Thielen.

I am leaving in Dontrelle Inman for now (could always bench him for Hill, but that would leave me TWO guys in bad weather as I am sticking with my Donks homer pick of He-mannuel Sanders, though could always change that tomorrow too). Rivers could force EVERYTHING to Gates, to get the record. That is also a factor I asked the coin to consider.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cool story, bro.

NSFW:
h
ttp://68.media.tumblr.com/31ced75180edd578e8c80b4282da8e41/tumblr_mfjo9bDEKD1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg

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Unsurprised

Nipply out

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Redshirt

Oh, good. The Bengals pissed of our best player. Last Decade Part II: Derp Harder here we come!

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blaxabbath

You want to trade off AJ Green for Palmer? Remember how good he was for CIN? #MCGA!

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Unsurprised

Ride, Bungles! Ride!

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Redshirt

(phone rings; waking me up)
Me: “Hello?”
Mom: “Hi, Redshirt. Its Mom. Can you take me and your brother up to Grandma’s for Christmas? Dad already left.”
Me: “Sure. That’s exactly how I want to spend Christmas Eve. Waking up three hours earlier than planned and going on a three hour drive with an grown up child with Borderline Personality Disorder who refuses to take medication and my mother who finds faults in everything.”

If I don’t comment later today, know its because I turned the wheel off the road and drove off a bridge.

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blaxabbath

Merry Xmas!

http://nerdipop.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Futurama.jpg

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Unsurprised

Finally! The sweet embrace of a mercifully quick death.

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King Hippo

AJ and Eifert inactive, nobody would blame you.

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Redshirt

Pacman healthy and continues to be leader of team for years to come.

(crying) Its not fair!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

bURP.

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Unsurprised

Nobody will blame you.

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Unsurprised

We will make fun of you, though.

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Don T

Tits have split with Jags since forever. Shit. DVR mojo is ON.
The coaching duel between Mularkey and Doug Marrone reminds of the first contest between Kasparov and Deep Blew.

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Spur

Steve mariucci is insufferable. The NFL network thinks people like his antics?

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King Hippo

He really could use murdering.

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blaxabbath

I think we’re past the point of any type of media carrying about what consumers “like”. On-air personalities are a simple matter of cost v revenue exactly in line with the approach that brought us the Pontiac Aztec.

There’s a reason they pay hundreds of millions for rights that are “exclusive” — and it’s not so that networks can put the best possible product on the air.

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I’d add that the average viewer probably just likes seeing recognizable faces and the baseline commentary is mostly hot takes anyway. Plus, I’ve always thought the job of the TV folks was PR for the NFL first.

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blaxabbath

I actually started a post this am (now scrapped) because, as it is no secret around here that I think the media sucks so bad that I could be Trump’s press secretary, I actually heard Stephen A Smith for the first time ever this morning. There was a ESPN article about Bradshaw ripping on Tomlin and, when the page loaded, I just got this video of Stephen A bitching about that kid from Duke.

I get the Hot Taek Machine — this dude fucking acts like he has a vested interest in all this shit. He talks about of both sides of his mouth and then ties it all up with a fatherly, “I’m so upset because I care and just want what’s best for the young man” bow. Holy fucking hell — this dude should seriously be shot.

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...

The kid from Duke should also be shot not just for his conduct on the court but because we need to end that Ted Cruz cloning project once and for all.

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Unsurprised

He is basically Cruz if Rafael played basketball instead of debating. He’s going to make some Wall Street law firm and their clients a fuckton of money and everyone he ever works with will hate him more than any other person they have or will ever meet.

He’ll be President by 2050.

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Unsurprised

It is a biological anomaly that every talking head doesn’t immediate begin spewing shit from their mouths and head orifices the second they invoke “the best interests” of a player, especially “amateur” athletes in the NCAA.

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King Hippo

Being forced to watch NFLN’s pre-game stuff for want of better options, I am reminded again that, cray-cray religio-political opinions aside (JUST DON’T ASK HIM, OK??), Kurt Warner is a really good analyst and seems like a solid enough dude. Doesn’t reek of racist douchebag asshole the way, say, TERRY BRADSHAW does.

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Unsurprised

Terry’s not racist. He’s just a good ol’ boy. Ain’t meanin no harm.

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blaxabbath

He also worked with Colin Kaepernick a couple offseasons ago to help him become a better pocket passer and improve his presnap reads.

I don’t think Warner’s consulting firm is going to be very successful.

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Unsurprised

To repeat my last comment in the TGISF thread:

Amazon Printing is having a 75% off sale on prints and at least given the last batch I received they do good work.

I ended up ordering 600 4″x6″ photos for $13.50, which is like … early 90s prices if I remember correctly (since the last time I had film developed it was in Spain in 2001).

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blaxabbath

So….what do you do with all these printed photos, exactly?

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ballsofsteelandfury

This?

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Unsurprised

But with a lot more flowers and beaches.

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Unsurprised

Getting frames or some kind of base for collages so that I can decorate my apartment so it doesn’t look like a sociopath lives here. Just a garden variety psychopath. Perfectly normal lawyer shit, you know?

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Unsurprised

Also, I printed duplicates to insert with my late Christmas/holiday cards. No one sends snail mail anymore and no one has photo prints anymore. I’m … OH MY GOD IM A HIPSTER! Noooooooooooooooooooooo

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ballsofsteelandfury

Do you own a Polaroid camera? If yes, then yes, you are a hipster.

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blaxabbath

Hipster coffee shop near me (guy I know once saw Carson Palmer there — it was last year so it was alright for CP3 to show his face in public at the time) has typewriters on a couple of the tables. It makes me wonder how long until someone comes up with a typewriter that operates off a thumbdrive so you can dictate your letter/novel/article about Trump into your tablet then just have the typewriter print up the Word file.

Holy shit — I need to start buying up all the player pianos in town. Those suspender-toting mother fuckers are going to replace DJ booths with those next.

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Unsurprised

I’m 99% sure that exists. At least, I know there’s an external keyboard that is basically a typewriter with a USB cable.

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...

There is a coffee shop near me that not only has the typewriter, but a wall-mounted fixed-gear bike. The number of hipster clichés per cubic foot has to be close to a critical mass of some sort.

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blaxabbath

Brutal. I feel like the angle for the commercialization of hipsters has become to just unbrand a commodity and then sell it on a monthly subscription service with proper hipster marketing (promoting a mix of rustic/industrial reuse and cutting edge technology) and no product improvement (see: Dollar Shave Club). I heard a commercial for fucking monthly subscription kitty litter the other day. So you can get your cat littler there, your clothes on jack threads, and blue apron for meals.

I’ve refurbished a couple wheelbarrows (total labor of love project) and think I should set up a shop online and I can get double what Tru Temper gets at Home Depot.

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Unsurprised

Doesn’t Katherine Heigl do the commercials for that kitty litter?

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...

She’ll take money from anyone who pronounces her name right and puts up with her shit.

(She’s high on my hate fuck list.)

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...

Oh man. I just remembered I saw something recently that is probably peak “hipster.”

Behold, the hipster sports bar: https://www.dnainfo.com/chicago/20161216/logan-square/park-field-bar-restaurant-logan-square-fullerton-avenue

“”We wanted to do something that really reflects what Logan Square is … good food, craft beer, farm-to-table … but also a place where you can watch the game,” co-owner Dave Nalzeny told DNAinfo in November. “The last thing we want is to be a bro bar. We don’t want neon signs. We don’t want plastic cups. We want a place that is Logan Square.””

And boy, is it ever.

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Unsurprised

There’s a place like here that has gone full circle back around to stadium bleacher seating.
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blaxabbath

You want to be uncomfortably crammed into wood planks to watch the game on a terrestrial broadcast?! Boy have we got the place for you!

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I mean, it’s stupid, but I like the attempt at a unique concept.

That Logan Square place is just a fucking self parody. It’s the sort of place people will go and talk about watching “sportsball” and either roll their eyes or let them glaze over if you’re actually interested in sports. I never thought a sports bar could be disgustingly pretentious, yet here we are.

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blaxabbath

Sounds like home of a Von Miller Speakeasy Story.

Spoiler: it’s where he picks up his organic, small batch PEDs.

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...

Okay, a Von Miller-themed Speakeasy would be interesting to me.

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Unsurprised

I, too, am also a fan of, um, this particular brand of, um, post.

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Unsurprised

100% serious. I’ve seen painted IKEA shit in vintage stores here in Portland. There is a legit market in counterfeit vintage and it’s not so much sad and frustrating as Hell that I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

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Unsurprised

I need to upgrade my slang. “Legit counterfeit market.”

That’s just lazy.

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blaxabbath

What do you mean by painted Ikea shit? Like, those cube shelves painted “shabby chic” blue or with chalkboard paint? Or like, a hand painted print of an image sold at Ikea?

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Unsurprised

Someone took one of those shelves, in this particular case, and added a layer of acrylic paint and then it “somehow” made its way into a vintage store I was shopping at.

It was not the place where I bought my desk, a metal monstrosity from the 50s that an OLD neighbor saw us carting in and mentioned that he used to work at one like mine in the 60s.

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blaxabbath

I love tanker desks. They’re easy to refinish, you can get them for ultra-cheap at auction or govt surplus outfits, and they give you a ton of surface space. When we finally get around to redecorating our offices (we have three locations currently, none are very big as most of our SF is warehouse) I’m bringing in tanker desks.

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Unsurprised

I’m bragging about my desk.

That does it. Chalk up one more holiday suicide.

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Unsurprised

I don’t. My brother and his friends are basically keeping Fuji’s Instax brand in business, thorough.

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blaxabbath

I am actually attempting to do more handwritten letters. Not personally but, as someone much younger than my peers in industry, it’s sort of my way of trying to bridge the age gap with people who still like old fashioned stuff. Honestly, I love this #MAGA crowd because I know exactly how to handle them. People my age and younger — I’ve got no fucking clue what motivates these tools.

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Unsurprised

Yeah. I’ve been meaning to do that as well. It shows respect to the old (even if they don’t deserve it) and blows the minds of the rest.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Do the handle nudes? Asking for a friend…

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Unsurprised

As far as I know, yes. Mine were all “arty” and not “illegal in every western civilization,” though. Your mileage may vary.

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blaxabbath

http://i.imgur.com/CkP8jcR.gif

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Spur

600 photos? I’m calling the FBI.

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...

I have a number of photos from Europe I could probably do the same thing with. I also have a couple Ziploc bags of tickets, maps, and trinkets from that trip I’d like to do something with. Framing, however, can be quite expensive.

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blaxabbath

Modge Podge it all to a headboard. Like I did with baseball cards when I was 11.

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ballsofsteelandfury

As a former defensive back, let me tell you that passing is much easier in foul weather. The receiver knows where he is going, the DBs don’t. Advantage: offense.

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blaxabbath

Unless you’re the Jets. No ofence.

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Unsurprised

Just aim for the tallest twins you see

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blaxabbath

” [^^^^]”

– http://bookhaven.stanford.edu/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/osama.jpg

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Unsurprised

I miss playing football. I was a beast at running back until HS and then was big enough to play O line, but couldn’t let eight … There’s no way this doesn’t end with a A-A-Ron joke.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It sucks that they put the big kids on the line. They’re trying to do that with my good friend’s son and I’m advising the boy to quit football unless they let him play tight end.

Fuck being a lineman!

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laserguru

Hey, I played offensive and defensive lines.
I preferred defensive.
Head slaps ruled the day.

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Unsurprised

I wanted to be a linebacker like LT so badly until it finally sunk in that would never happen.

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King Hippo

But Rivers FUMBRES (-3 per lost fumbre in my system). He has tendencies. And teh wind. Teh wind is teh killer. Supposed to be windy in CLE and KC. No wind in GB.

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Unsurprised

But the wind could affect all those Alex Smith long bombs.

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