INT. JACKSONVILLE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY. 

TSA AGENT 1: …and so I told her that a skunk must have gotten into the yard.

TSA AGENT 2: And she believed you?

TSA AGENT 1: Well, yeah, she’s a city girl, she doesn’t know what they smell like.  So anyhow…[peers at X-ray machine monitor]…oh, wait.  We’ve got something here.

TSA AGENT 2: [approaches someone in the queue] Sir, would you mind stepping out of line for a moment?

— [security checkpoint flies open] —

GUS BRADLEY: Hey guys.  Sure, what’s up?

TSA AGENT 1: Did you maybe forget that you’d packed something that’s on the list of proscribed items?

TSA AGENT 2 pulls an item from the suitcase.  

GUS BRADLEY: Oh, shit.  I’m sorry, fellas.  I’m so used to flying on the Jaguars team plane that I just plum forgot.  Couldn’t live without that thing in the locker room.

TSA AGENT 2: A Ka-Bar?  What are you using a knife like this for in the locker room?

GUS BRADLEY: Oh, all kinds of things.  Cutting athletic tape, cleaning my fingernails, sometimes players forget to bring their own on Knife Fight Fridays and need a loaner…

TSA AGENT 1: It’s all right, Coach Bradley.  We understand.  Lots of people pack knives without thinking about it.  You should see the collection of those things we have in the back.  We’ll set this aside for you and you can pick it up when you return.

GUS BRADLEY: Actually, I’m headed out to Los Angeles to stay.  But I’ll be back for the annual Chargers-Jaguars “Hell in the Cellar” game.  Can you hang onto it until then?

TSA AGENT 2: Sure thing, Coach Bradley.

GUS BRADLEY: Great!  Thanks, fellas!  I’ll just be on my way…[moves to grab his luggage]

TSA AGENT 1: Hang on, there.  There’s, uh, a couple of other things we need to deal with before you can go.  First off, you want to explain why you’d be bringing this onto an airplane…?

GUS BRADLEY: That?  Oh, that’s a souvenir.  I was bringing it out to my buddy Jack in Oakland.

TSA AGENT 2: And this?

GUS BRADLEY: Oh, that’s for my pal Greg.  He can’t get this stuff in Ohio – he says the stuff they have there is WEAK and SOFT and he wishes he could CUT ITS WORTHLESS ASS RIGHT GODDAMNED NOW.  He says the heat and humidity in Florida makes it TOUGHER and MORE OF A MAN NOT LIKE YOU COUNTRY CLUB CANDY ASSES HERE AT OH-CRY-O STATE HE USED TO COACH REAL MEN, YOU KNOW THAT?

TSA AGENT 1: And what about this?

GUS BRADLEY: That?  That’s just a cellphone!  What, you aren’t allowed to bring those on airplanes anymore?

TSA AGENT 1: Well, you don’t look Arabic…

TSA AGENT 2: …or Persian…

TSA AGENT 1: …or Pakistani…

TSA AGENT 2: …or Mexic…oh, wait, that’s not until next month.

TSA AGENT 1: …so normally it wouldn’t be a problem.  But this is a Galaxy Note 7.  You know these things have a history of exploding, don’t you?

GUS BRADLEY: Well, yeah.  Everybody knows that.  I’ve had three of those things explode on me just last year.  We made Jalen Ramsey wear one in his jockstrap all through training camp.  [looks disappointed] It never went off, though.

TSA AGENT 2: How do you even have this?  I thought all of these have been recalled.

GUS BRADLEY: [wrinkles brow] Recalls are for pussies.

TSA AGENT 1: Well, we’re sorry, Coach Bradley.  But you can’t bring it on the plane.

GUS BRADLEY: But I need it!

TSA AGENT 1: [standing firm] You’re not getting on the plane with this thing.

GUS BRADLEY: [glares at agent] I’m not getting on the plane without it.

TSA AGENT 2: [diplomatically] It’s all right, Coach Bradley.  We’ll figure something out.  Let me just call our supervisor…

—

To be continued…