Hi Everybody!

Miss Me? (No you did NOT. Put your hands and other appendages down.)

It has been awhile (I WILL NOT POST THAT AWFUL STAIND thing that says it’s a song), but Mssr. yeah right with his fancypants French Bread (which why are you NOT doing this RIGHT NOW!?) reminded me of a thing I now do sort of regular: Pretzels. Yes you goddamn read that right. Stop rubbing your eyes, lest your DNA meld with your vitreous humor, which according to women I’ve known personally and seen on the internets, burns a bit!

Pretzels. It’s a legit thing. Wanna ride the front of the wave? Let’s GO!

Backstory: Lady Shogun maintains her body. She has fought long and hard and she is magnificent in every aspect mentally and physically. I…hang out with you guys. However I have a metabolism that kills mortals. Like Lemmy, minus the booze and speed. So one day a week our stars collide. This is usually spent at a restaurant as cooking when you don’t want to sucks. The lady also has to travel for work to Milwaukee from time-to-time, so on those nights, try as she might, being faithful to the regimen is nigh on impossible. (I eat Mac N Chee Buffalo Chicken Pizza and mainline Dr. Pepper) She found a deep love for these magical soft pretzels that have been springing up nearly everywhere. Hearing her tell me about them was like saying she screamingly orgasmed with another guy and called them jebus. THERE’S ONLY ONE JEBUS HERE MISSY! So I began researching. I think I got this down now…wanna do? You CAN. You SHOULD. And with a modicum of skill, YOU WILL AND DOMINATE ANY UPCOMING GRILLOUTS! Let’s go.

Things you need (and should already have) Now:

• 1 1/2 cups warm (110 to 115 degrees F) water (YES THIS MATTERS. Hurts? Too hot. Just too much? Fine. Put it in the bowl. It’ll be good.)
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt
• 1 package active dry yeast (if you see platinum…spring the 5 cents)
• 22 ounces all-purpose flour, approximately 4 1/2 cups
• 2 ounces unsalted butter (half a stick), melted-ish (goddamit if i must tell you margarine is not food I will find you)
• Then also…
• 10 cups water (large dutch oven-ish pot)
• 2/3 cup baking soda (Use a fresh box ffs! That shit molding at the back will NOT do!)
• You can take your time…it just needs to be ready when you are, so long as it’s boiling.
• At The End…
• 1 large egg yolk beaten with 1 tablespoon water
• Pretzel salt (if you got it,otherwise just go with kosher)

See?! Easy stuff! You’re about to destroy and you don’t even know it.

Ok so wherever you are, you should have or borrow a stand mixer. (You got good friends, they’ll be happy with what you’re about to unleash)

Combine the water, sugar and kosher salt in the bowl of a stand mixer and sprinkle the yeast on top. Allow to sit for 5 minutes or until the mixture begins to foam. Go be happy for a moment.

Then add the flour and butter and, using the dough hook attachment, mix on low speed until well combined. Change to medium speed and knead until the dough is smooth and pulls away from the side of the bowl, approximately 4 to 5 minutes. Remove the dough from the bowl, clean the bowl (you won’t have to) and then oil it lightly with vegetable oil. Return the dough to the bowl, cover with plastic wrap and sit in a warm place for approximately 50 to 55 minutes or until the dough has doubled in size.

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Line 2 half-sheet pans with parchment paper (or trust you have excellent pans) and lightly brush with the vegetable oil. Set aside.

Bring the 10 cups of water and the baking soda to a rolling boil in an 8-quart saucepan or roasting pan.

In the meantime, turn the dough out onto a slightly oiled work surface and divide into 8 pieces (THIS AMOUNT IS UP TO YOU). Roll out each piece of dough into a 24-inch rope. Make a U-shape with the rope, holding the ends of the rope, cross them over each other and press onto the bottom of the U in order to form the shape of a pretzel. Place onto the parchment-lined half sheet pan. LASSO AND DOWN. oh…yeah I’m not great at this either, but you KNOW what a pretzel looks like. So take your dough-snake and do what makes you smile! I can’t handhold you for everything!

Wait. What the who the? You want me to do what? Let’s watch…for the purists…

Looks good don’t it? Ignore everything he says after the shaping. Once you’re satisfied, the hard part is over. Tamp down whatever ends are loose. Trust me. This part may take patience. But if you got this far, the results are far too awesome to ignore.

Place the pretzels into the boiling water, 1 by 1, for 30 seconds. (Yes you will have cleaning, but it’s gonna be quick.) Remove them from the water using a large flat spatula. Return to the half sheet pan, brush the top of each pretzel with the beaten egg yolk and water mixture and sprinkle with the pretzel salt. Bake until dark golden brown in color, approximately 12 to 14 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack for at least 5 minutes before serving.

Voila! Serve them with whatever mustard or cheese combo trips your trigger! Or, if you have evil in your bones like Lady Shogun, cut them in half and slap a burger of your making inbetween. Or just eat them. No one will go away unhappy. Remember they don’t HAVE to be pretzel shaped. I’ve given you multiple options. Love you, which is why i do this.