Making People Smile With Shogun…Pretzel Style.

Shogun Marcus

Shogun Marcus

Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He’s never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won’t allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You’ll know…one day.
Shogun Marcus

Hi Everybody!

Image result for Hi Mark!

Miss Me? (No you did NOT. Put your hands and other appendages down.)

It has been awhile (I WILL NOT POST THAT AWFUL STAIND thing that says it’s a song), but Mssr. yeah right with his fancypants French Bread (which why are you NOT doing this RIGHT NOW!?) reminded me of a thing I now do sort of regular: Pretzels. Yes you goddamn read that right. Stop rubbing your eyes, lest your DNA meld with your vitreous humor, which according to women I’ve known personally and seen on the internets, burns a bit!

Pretzels. It’s a legit thing. Wanna ride the front of the wave? Let’s GO!

Backstory: Lady Shogun maintains her body. She has fought long and hard and she is magnificent in every aspect mentally and physically. I…hang out with you guys. However I have a metabolism that kills mortals. Like Lemmy, minus the booze and speed. So one day a week our stars collide. This is usually spent at a restaurant as cooking when you don’t want to sucks. The lady also has to travel for work to Milwaukee from time-to-time, so on those nights, try as she might, being faithful to the regimen is nigh on impossible. (I eat Mac N Chee Buffalo Chicken Pizza and mainline Dr. Pepper) She found a deep love for these magical soft pretzels that have been springing up nearly everywhere. Hearing her tell me about them was like saying she screamingly orgasmed with another guy and called them jebus. THERE’S ONLY ONE JEBUS HERE MISSY! So I began researching. I think I got this down now…wanna do? You CAN. You SHOULD. And with a modicum of skill, YOU WILL AND DOMINATE ANY UPCOMING GRILLOUTS! Let’s go.

Things you need (and should already have) Now:

  • Then also…
  • You can take your time…it just needs to be ready when you are, so long as it’s boiling.
  • At The End…

See?! Easy stuff! You’re about to destroy and you don’t even know it.

Ok so wherever you are, you should have or borrow a stand mixer. (You got good friends, they’ll be happy with what you’re about to unleash)

Combine the water, sugar and kosher salt in the bowl of a stand mixer and sprinkle the yeast on top. Allow to sit for 5 minutes or until the mixture begins to foam. Go be happy for a moment.

Then add the flour and butter and, using the dough hook attachment, mix on low speed until well combined. Change to medium speed and knead until the dough is smooth and pulls away from the side of the bowl, approximately 4 to 5 minutes. Remove the dough from the bowl, clean the bowl (you won’t have to) and then oil it lightly with vegetable oil. Return the dough to the bowl, cover with plastic wrap and sit in a warm place for approximately 50 to 55 minutes or until the dough has doubled in size.

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Line 2 half-sheet pans with parchment paper (or trust you have excellent pans) and lightly brush with the vegetable oil. Set aside.

Bring the 10 cups of water and the baking soda to a rolling boil in an 8-quart saucepan or roasting pan.

In the meantime, turn the dough out onto a slightly oiled work surface and divide into 8 pieces (THIS AMOUNT IS UP TO YOU). Roll out each piece of dough into a 24-inch rope. Make a U-shape with the rope, holding the ends of the rope, cross them over each other and press onto the bottom of the U in order to form the shape of a pretzel. Place onto the parchment-lined half sheet pan. LASSO AND DOWN. oh…yeah I’m not great at this either, but you KNOW what a pretzel looks like. So take your dough-snake and do what makes you smile! I can’t handhold you for everything!

Wait. What the who the? You want me to do what? Let’s watch…for the purists…

Looks good don’t it? Ignore everything he says after the shaping. Once you’re satisfied, the hard part is over. Tamp down whatever ends are loose. Trust me. This part may take patience. But if you got this far, the results are far too awesome to ignore.

Place the pretzels into the boiling water, 1 by 1, for 30 seconds. (Yes you will have cleaning, but it’s gonna be quick.) Remove them from the water using a large flat spatula. Return to the half sheet pan, brush the top of each pretzel with the beaten egg yolk and water mixture and sprinkle with the pretzel salt. Bake until dark golden brown in color, approximately 12 to 14 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack for at least 5 minutes before serving.

Voila! Serve them with whatever mustard or cheese combo trips your trigger! Or, if you have evil in your bones like Lady Shogun, cut them in half and slap a burger of your making inbetween. Or just eat them. No one will go away unhappy. Remember they don’t HAVE to be pretzel shaped. I’ve given you multiple options. Love you, which is why i do this.

Shogun Marcus
Shogun Marcus
Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He's never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won't allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You'll know…one day.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryJerry Was A Shogun Named Marcuslitre_colaMarc Trestmans Windowless Van Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I really enjoy how we are keeping ourselves busy in the offseason by teaching each other how to be less lazy and cook our own grub instead of giving money to BIG PROCESSED FOOD

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I went and stole my dad’s recipe. They are the best pretzels I have ever had.

Cook time: 20 min at 375
Total prep time: 2 hours 30 min (but like 2 hours is just letting them sit)

Lye: 1 oz/quart water mix (3 percent solution)
Yeast: 1 Tablespoon mixed with 1/4 cup water
Brown Sugar: 2 Teaspoons
Flour: 4 1/4 Cups
Water: 1 1/4 cups warm (or 50/50 milk/water mix)
Kosher salt: 2 Teaspoons
Butter: 2 1/2 Tablespoons

Add yeast and water mix and sugar, stir, let sit for a few minutes.

Add Flour, water and salt. Knead for 5-10 min gradually adding butter.

Form a ball and let it rise for an hour. Ideally in a mixing bowl with a towel over it.

Punch it down.

Cut and form pretzels adding a little water at the joints to make sure they stick.

Fridge for an hour.

Dip in the lye solution for 30 seconds. Sprinkle them with Kosher salt. Score the thick parts of the pretzel.

Cook for 20 min at 375 on a greased pan, parchment paper or a stone slab. Stone slab is best.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

God it is a pain in the ass to type a recipe correctly into a normal human readable form when it was hand written on engineers paper in a language completely different than how everyone else would write it. He has brackets and shit on the ends of his ingredient lines with steps and then doesn’t quite get it right (mostly omits) when he writes it out below

I think I got mine right now though


Whatever you say, Fight Club.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The lye allows the pretzel to get its crust while cooking it at a lower temp (so the outside gets cooked not burnt and the inside stays moist)

/eh, fine, pours vinegar on your comment