Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- The Dak Prescott School of Maturity: Chapter 1 – October 18, 2017
- Hue Jackson in the Worst Head Coach in Modern NFL History – October 17, 2017
- Meanwhile, After Practice… – October 6, 2017
INT. RENTAL CAR – DAY
A pair of young men are driving a rental car through the streets of Culver City. The one driving is clutching the steering wheel frantically and whipping his head around in frustration, while the passenger fumbles around with a folding map.
JARED GOFF: Where ARE we?
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: I don’t know, I don’t know!
JARED GOFF: Goddamnit. I’m pulling over.
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Don’t stop, we’re late already! Just go west.
JARED GOFF: [grumbles] Fine.
JARED GOFF continues driving straight.
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Dude, I said go west.
JARED GOFF: Um…
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Jesus, do you not even know what fucking direction west is?
JARED GOFF: Um…
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: See the sun? It’s past noon, so the sun is in the west. Drive towards the sun, stupid.
JARED GOFF turns and begins driving west.
JARED GOFF: And then what?
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Um…I’m not sure where we are on the map.
JARED GOFF: [peering out the windshield] We’re on Jefferson, the cross street is…Somerset.
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Um…
JARED GOFF: Dude, do you not even know how to read a map?
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: DUDE I WENT TO FUCKING UNC THEY DON’T TEACH US THAT SHIT THERE!
JARED GOFF: How to read a map?
MITCHELL TRUBISKY: Uh, yeah, that.
JARED GOFF: Ah, fuck. Might as well pull over now. It’s two o’clock.
— [radio flies open] —
DJ 3000: [as excited as a computer-generated voice can possibly sound] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO REQUEST LINE. I’M YOUR HOST DJ 3000, FILLING IN FOR JARED GOFF AND MITCHELL TRUBISKY WHO APPARENTLY WERE HAVING SOME ISSUES WITH THE NAVIGATION FEATURE ON THEIR CELLPHONES…
MITCHELL TRUBISKY and JARED GOFF: [in unison] Hey!
DJ 3000: …BUT DON’T YOU FRET AND DON’T YOU FROWN CAUSE YOUR OLD PAL DJ 3000 IS HERE TO MAKE SURE YOU FIND YOUR WAY TO ROCK AND ROLL TOWN. TODAY’S THEME IS ‘NAVIGATION’ SO WE’RE LOOKING FOR SONGS ABOUT MAPS, COMPASS DIRECTIONS, BEING LOST, THAT KIND OF STUFF. I’LL GET US STARTED WITH A CLASSIC FROM THE CHURCH.