Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 10 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every week how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

The Scene: Heaven

This is totally what Heaven looks like

 

The segway rolls through heaven, the quiet hum of its motor can be heard from hundreds of yards away.

 

Today is gonna be a good Day. Jesus can feel it in his bones. He is gonna accomplish his mission. He is finally going to show his father the error of his ways, he’s gonna show him the light, he’s gonna… he’s gonna….

 

 

 

 

Jesus has no idea where the hell he’s going.

 

 

 

Jesus: “Well, this is just wonderful. I had my big spiel ready, and now I can’t find him. My heavenly duties are not being fulfilled.  this must be rectified! Why have I been been forsaken… why am I cursed….. why is there a giant line in heaven?

 

 

 

 

Jesus“This makes no sense.  there’s no need for cell phones in heaven. You shouldn’t be wasting your eternal salvation waiting for a freaking phone! This is madness! You there! Obsessed iPhone Fan!”

 

Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Yes 3rd most powerful being in the universe?”

 

 

Jesus“Okay, ignoring your blasphemy, why are you all waiting here?”

 

Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Well, you see, one of our least favorite parts of earth was the ever present deadlines, deadlines that took time. Precious time away from our iPhones.  Time that could have been spent playing Candy Crush, using Snapchat filters, playing Pokemon Go, #hastagTeamValorFTW!!!, just a shame there’s no toilets in heaven to pass the time on.

 

 

Jesus: “Such laziness is not for the kingdom of Heaven! Through slothfulness the roof deteriorates! And a house leaks because of idleness!

 

Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Well, as the great deity always preached:  Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

 

Jesus: My Father never said that”

 

Obsessed Apple Hipster: “I never said your father. i said the all-mighty”

 

Jesus: “You don’t mean….”

 

Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Oh you know I do”

 

 

Jesus: “Ugh, just tell me where they are”

 

 

The hipster points, and Jesus storm’s off. He eventually finds his father furiously typing away at an outdated computer

 

 

God: “So you’re saying, that if I don’t push this button NOW, the next time i inconvenience this poor mook, it’ll be more rewarding?

 

God turns to the man so revered by the Apple Faithful, the man so many have pledged to. the man, the myth, the legend.

 

 

 

Steve Jobs: “Yes, on Earth we called it delayed gratification. Its why the improvements to the Mac and iPhone were so little over the years. It allowed for the maximum enjoyment for customers and consumers alike.

 

God: “So, after brocky won last week, and  If don’t make brocky lose this week…..

 

Jobs: It’ll make the next loss that much more devastating!

 

God: ” I love it”

 

God finally notices Jesus eavesdropping

 

God: “There Skippy, are you happy? I decided to be nice for a change…”

 

Jesus: Your job isn’t to be nice, your job is the maintenance of the cosmos and to..”

 

 

God: “and i’m already tired of your whining. Here, there’s a kid jumping off a cliff. Go do something about that.

 

Dumbfounded, Jesus reacts in the only way he can:

 

and like he was told, saves the kid off the cliff:

 

 

 

At this point Jesus doesn’t know what to say. this week has been getting weirder and weirder. For the first time all season Brocky is 2 games above .500. Jesus fears the worst, and decides he’s gonna visit the four horsemen. Gotta keep those dude’s in check

Brocky’s updated schedule:

Week 1 L 108.5-147 0-1
Week 2 W 154.5-122 1-1
Week 3 W 146-144 2-1
Week 4 L 125-126 2-2
Week 5 W 130.5-104 3-2
Week 6 L 122-139 3-3
Week 7 W 134.5-112.5 4-3
Week 8 L 108-120.5 4-4
Week 9 W 102.5-91.5 5-4
Week 10 W 130-113 6-4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brocky
Brocky
Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!

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BrettFavresColonoscopyballsofsteelandfuryRikki-Tikki-DeadlySenor WeaseloLemonJello Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was in second place going into last week. My opponent literally doubled my score.

ballsofsteelandfury

I lost to a team with TWO players in the starting lineup on a bye.

By 37 points.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This week I lost to a guy who started Colin Kaepernick at quarterback!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cuntler knows what he’s doing.

Senor Weaselo

…Valor punk.
/Remembers nobody cares about Team Instinct

LemonJello
LemonJello

OOOooooh, what’s Yahweh up to now? Tune in next week, kids!

/Happy for Brocky’s current run of good luck, worried for the coming shit-storm.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*coming 7hit-7torm