As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every week how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.
The Scene: Heaven
This is totally what Heaven looks like
The segway rolls through heaven, the quiet hum of its motor can be heard from hundreds of yards away.
Today is gonna be a good Day. Jesus can feel it in his bones. He is gonna accomplish his mission. He is finally going to show his father the error of his ways, he’s gonna show him the light, he’s gonna… he’s gonna….
Jesus has no idea where the hell he’s going.
Jesus: “Well, this is just wonderful. I had my big spiel ready, and now I can’t find him. My heavenly duties are not being fulfilled. this must be rectified! Why have I been been forsaken… why am I cursed….. why is there a giant line in heaven?
Jesus: “This makes no sense. there’s no need for cell phones in heaven. You shouldn’t be wasting your eternal salvation waiting for a freaking phone! This is madness! You there! Obsessed iPhone Fan!”
Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Yes 3rd most powerful being in the universe?”
Jesus: “Okay, ignoring your blasphemy, why are you all waiting here?”
Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Well, you see, one of our least favorite parts of earth was the ever present deadlines, deadlines that took time. Precious time away from our iPhones. Time that could have been spent playing Candy Crush, using Snapchat filters, playing Pokemon Go, #hastagTeamValorFTW!!!, just a shame there’s no toilets in heaven to pass the time on.
Jesus: “Such laziness is not for the kingdom of Heaven! Through slothfulness the roof deteriorates! And a house leaks because of idleness!
Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Well, as the great deity always preached: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
Jesus: “My Father never said that”
Obsessed Apple Hipster: “I never said your father. i said the all-mighty”
Jesus: “You don’t mean….”
Obsessed Apple Hipster: “Oh you know I do”
Jesus: “Ugh, just tell me where they are”
The hipster points, and Jesus storm’s off. He eventually finds his father furiously typing away at an outdated computer
God: “So you’re saying, that if I don’t push this button NOW, the next time i inconvenience this poor mook, it’ll be more rewarding?
God turns to the man so revered by the Apple Faithful, the man so many have pledged to. the man, the myth, the legend.
Steve Jobs: “Yes, on Earth we called it delayed gratification. Its why the improvements to the Mac and iPhone were so little over the years. It allowed for the maximum enjoyment for customers and consumers alike.
God: “So, after brocky won last week, and If don’t make brocky lose this week…..
Jobs: It’ll make the next loss that much more devastating!
God: ” I love it”
God finally notices Jesus eavesdropping
God: “There Skippy, are you happy? I decided to be nice for a change…”
Jesus: “Your job isn’t to be nice, your job is the maintenance of the cosmos and to..”
God: “and i’m already tired of your whining. Here, there’s a kid jumping off a cliff. Go do something about that.
Dumbfounded, Jesus reacts in the only way he can:
and like he was told, saves the kid off the cliff:
At this point Jesus doesn’t know what to say. this week has been getting weirder and weirder. For the first time all season Brocky is 2 games above .500. Jesus fears the worst, and decides he’s gonna visit the four horsemen. Gotta keep those dude’s in check
Brocky’s updated schedule: