Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)
- Sexy Footy Sabado – Marcel Brands Edition – August 17, 2019
- Learning to Love Unflavoured Ice Milk (Donks 2019 Preview) – August 7, 2019
- Git Yer #BFIB On – Tis Midweek HATE Time! – July 30, 2019
Ho, ho, ho, here are some things we know!
Congratulations to Breesus Christ and disciples, winner of home field throughout the NFC playoffs! The Saints continued to look a bit wobbly, but much like a weeble, they managed not to fall down (again). Cognizant of his opponent, Coach Epps tried a fake punt on his own side of the field, up 4 with 5 minutes left. It came up 2 feet short. Still, you can see the mathematical basis for the decision – as NO then could not use up the entire clock scoring the go-ahead score. Of course, they would have rather made the first down – but there is a decent argument that a punt would have left PIT with about the same odds as after the 4th down play failed. So in essence…was a free shot. And the Yinzers likely would have at least sent it to OT, if not for a weird fumble play right as they entered FG range. Some days, the bear just eats you. But anyway, PIT needs help from #ThePauls, or it’s home for January.
How about those #ThePauls! 26-18 victors over the Bengals’ practice squad, and clear Battle FOAR Ohio champions. Eliminated from playoff contention, however. Mayfield looked really good, yet again. Everyone will predict them to win the AFC North in 2019.
Dallas is also your NFC East champions, following a sloppy 27-20 win over Team MRSA. The difference in the game turned out to be a fumble recovery TD, after Rapey Jameis showed the pocket awareness one might expect from a fucktard rapist. Fitting end.
Chi**** gutted out a 14-9 win in Santa Clara, locking Non-Gendered Cowpersons into the 4 seed. The emotional hangover effect was certainly present, but the Tomsulas have been a tough out in December – and Bearistocrats! fans can take heart in winning such a grind of a fixture. Matt Nagy put his bollocks on the table, wisely going for it on 4th and a foot at his own 35 late in the game (similar to PIT’s decision). Here, the no-brainer effect was everyone in the stadium expecting Bollo de la Verdad not to actually snap the ball. When he went over RG, there was no resistance whatsoever. San Fran never would have gotten the ball back, if not for Anthony Miller refusing to go down after making the clinching first down. The Peanut Punch turnover gave Santa Clara’s fans a glimmer of hope, but nothing came of it.
Another Peanut Punch (or two, really) turned the first half tide in favour of the SeaTruthers. SeaBass took a knock, and we got to see a drop kick kickoff. It was neat. Mahomes-y and Anti-Christ Damien kept KC in the game, but eventually their defensive shitshow was just too much to overcome. They’ll still be the 1 seed as long as they handle the Raiders at home. Otherwise…anarchy!
Good news for all, we get a Week 17 Sunday Nighter this season, as the Humps and Tits will clash in a “win and in as 6th seed” matchup. Admittedly, I am not certain what happens if they draw, and force a 3-way tie with PIT. But this was almost not to be, as Indy trailed most of the day before taking a 28-27 lead in the final minute. But here we are, and HODOR! lives to HODOR! another week.
Big Dick Nick? Winner again, in a bananacakes 32-30 win over the 500s. He also managed to set an Iggles record with 471 passing yards. Much questionable officiating in this one, but in the end, Watson’s 4 TDs were not quite enough to hold onto the 2 seed. Demaryius Thomas also did in his achilles, so HOU is in quite a bit of trouble. Philly remains jussssst a bit alive in the WC race. Realistically, they need CHI to beat Minny.
Minnesota spotted the Cuck Liouns a 9-zip lead, but ran off the final 27 points. A last play of the half Hail Mary completion to Kyle Rudolph broke Detroit’s spirit. Why on earth does every Hail Mary conversion seem to happen to DET? Minny needs to beat a Bearistocrats! side with precious little to play for, and they’re in.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! primarily used defensing to put away Birdcano, 31-9. Oh, and signed-off-the-street CJ Anderson rushed for 167 and a TD, in place of a gimpy Gurley Man. AZ just needs to be taken out back and shot, at this point. LA’s finest will be the 2 seed with a win over SF in Week 17 (or a CHI loss).
And congratulations to Buffalo for their garbage time back door cover, 24-12 losers in Masshole-land. Dreamboat did absolutely fuckall in this one, and NE does not look all that dangerous to me. Still, you trust a Belicheat side to be ded when they are 6 feet under, and not a moment before. Ideally, HOU loses WC weekend, because Balmer could easily beat the P*ts, regardless of locale.
Games with no meaning! Sherman’s Ashes banged the corpse of Ron Rivera’s career (and some practice squad-caliber Black Panther QBs), 24-10. A.A. Ron finally had a monster game with nobody (but him, I guess) giving two shits, winning 44-38 over the J-E-S-T in overtime. Who fucking cares!
All Hippo wants for Xmas (well, in addition to the #55 alternate home Chubb jersey that I’m pretty sure I’m getting) is for Donks WOO! to kick the Raiders’ teeth in. Preferably with 2-3 D/ST scores, but I will take any humiliating end I can get. No matter what, we will get a great assortment of clashing styles in the playoffs, and I can’t wait. In no way, shape, or form too cool to be excited about January NFL.