INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Several NFL personalities are sitting in chairs around a conference table. JOSH ROSEN, KATIE NOLAN, LAWRENCE TYNES, are gazing listlessly at their cellphones while BILL O’BRIEN sits staring at his laptop, his left eye twitching repeatedly.  COLIN COWHERD is pontificating about a sports topic.

COLIN COWHERD: …and so I think the lesson in the Sports Illustrated layoffs is that…

LAWRENCE TYNES: [hacks up a wad of phlegm, spits it into an aluminum flask with a “BIOHAZARD” decal]

KATIE NOLAN: [to BILL O’BRIEN] Is it still going down?

BILL O’BRIEN: Of c-c-c-course it’s still g-g-going down, what the f-f-f-fuck else does it d-d-d-do?

JOSH ROSEN: What’s that, fifteen days in a row now?

BILL O’BRIEN: [glares at him]

— [door flies open] —

ANDY REID enters the room, carrying a stack of boxes and a handful of wooden dowels.

KATIE NOLAN: Oh, you brought breakfast.  Thanks, Andy!  But what are those wooden dowels…[trails off as ANDY REID begins making donut kebabs]…oh.

— [door flies open] —

HUE JACKSON enters, looking immensely pleased with himself.

KATIE NOLAN: Well well well, aren’t you just the cat who ate the canary.

HUE JACKSON: Yes, well, if you’d followed all of my advice so far we’d be billionaires.

JOSH ROSEN: Actually, I’ve been tracking your recommendations so far Hue and if we’d followed them all we’d be down 78%.

BILL O’BRIEN: [slams his laptop shut] Yes, well, we made a d-d-deal with Hue, and Thor Industries actually c-c-crushed their earnings, so we closed out our p-p-position with a 15% gain.  Nice work, Hue.  And a deal’s a d-d-deal, so what have you g-g-got for us this week?

HUE JACKSON: [laces fingers together] I’d like to invest in the Silver and Black.

COLIN COWHERD: [raises eyebrows] Interesting…I like it.  I think last week’s win over the Colts leaves this franchise poised for a turnaround and…

HUE JACKSON: Not the Raiders, you fool.  I’m talking about literal silver.  And black gold.  Oil, that is.  Texas Tea.  Dinosaur Bone Juice.

ANDY REID: [drooling] Mmmm….Texas T-Bone…

LAWRENCE TYNES: What’s the reasoning?

HUE JACKSON: Both have fallen considerably in the last month, and I think this dip is an excellent buying opportunity.  As far as oil is concerned, the situation between Iran and Saudi Arabia continues to deteriorate.  Iran has proven that they can – and will – attack Saudi Arabia’s production infrastructure, and eventually the Saudis will respond in kind.  Similarly, given the flood of miserable economic data that’s come out over the last week, silver is going to see a surge as well when the latest pump fades and investors seek a safe haven.

JOSH ROSEN: So what are your actual picks for investments?

HUE JACKSON: $SLV for silver – currently trading at $16.38 – and $USO for oil – currently trading at $10.95.  And I’d like to buy call options.

BILL O’BRIEN: No. Absolutely n-n-not.  Options are stupid; they’re like throwing a f-f-forward pass.  Only three things c-c-can happen and t-t-two of them are b-b-bad.

JOSH ROSEN: [looks puzzled] Wait…what’s the good thing?

HUE JACKSON: Fine, we’ll just buy shares.

BILL O’BRIEN: All right, b-b-but it’s another p-p-paper trade.

JOSH ROSEN: Seriously, you guys, what’s the good thing that can happen?

HUE JACKSON: Oh, come on!  I want to trade with real money!

BILL O’BRIEN: WE D-D-D-DON’T HAVE ANY REAL F-F-F-F-FUCKING M-M-M-M-MONEY BECAUSE IT’S ALL T-T-T-TIED UP IN THIS SHIT-SWILLING D-D-D-DOG OF A STOCK. [takes a deep breath to calm himself].  L-l-listen, Hue.  Once we’re out of the w-w-woods with $ARA we c-c-can make some real t-t-trades again.  But for now it’s just p-p-paper.  Let’s see if you can make it two in row.

—

The Losers’ Investment Club’s paper trade pick – courtesy of Hue Jackson – is 350 shares of SLV and 525 shares of USO, holding for approximately one week with imaginary assets of $11,500.  The Losers’ Investment Club’s current real holdings are 1000 shares of American Renal Associates stock for a portfolio value of $5960.00.