EXT. BOBBY DODD STADIUM AT HISTORIC GRANT FIELD, — ATLANTA, GA

About fifteen NFL team representatives — mostly scouts and other talent evaluators — stand in the endzone of the empty stadium. Behind them are approximately two dozen media members with cameras on tripods facing the field, which is adorned with cones, boxes, and various football training aids at designated places. The group is fixated on the man standing in front of this display who calmly addresses the attendees.

COLIN KAEPERNICK: I’d like to just say that, as part of the settlement reached with the NFL earlier this year, I am pleased to have the opportunity to present my skills to the NFL club members in attendance this morning. While I am confident this workout would have never come without my grievance, I am fully committed to showing why my available talents are still the best options for many quarterback-needy teams. Today’s scripted workout will be short. This is by design, to allow visitors the chance to dictate specific drills or —

KAEPERNICK pauses as the crowd’s attention turns to a lone vehicle screeching through the parking lot that is steered towards the field. The vehicle rapidly approches, the engine roaring, when it hits a light post and carams off three parked vans. As the vehicle settles to a stop before the group, the driver emerges.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

REP MATT GAETZ (R-FL): This is a sham! A SHAM I tell you! For the National Football League, a private organization, to take sides in how teams select their quarterbacks is simply ridiculous. Roger Goodell has lost his mind!

ERIN ANDREWS: Well the NFL isn’t injecting itself into team personnel decision-making. They’re just helping arrange the workout with the 32 member teams. Who is the victim here?

GAETZ: We are! Why does he get a second chance?! What about the deplorables? Where’s our representative in the NFL fraternity of signal callers?

ANDREWS: Have you seen Gardner Minshew? And Sam Darnold is effectively an unfrozen caveman quarterback. And Tim Tebow, the original God Boy, got like four chances after he showed there wasn’t a place for him in the NFL.

GAETZ: God chose Tebow to beat the Steelers in the playoffs! But what about players who never got the chance to succeed because they were drafted by a Deep League conspiracy to stick them on bad teams? This Kaepernick guy — I haven’t even heard of him so how could he be any good — was drafted by the 49ers and had a shot at a Super Bowl because he was put on a Harbaugh team with a stellar defense and Alex Smith showing him the ropes! He’s had his chance. No more chances for Kaepernick.

KAPERNICK: Respectfully, Congressman —

GAETZ: You don’t respect the troops and you don’t respect me! Black men are the enemy of the people!

KAEPERNICK: Sir, really, this is none of your business. Who even let you in here? This is a private workout.

GAETZ: I let myself in! I’m working to investigate treasonous attacks on the —

KAEPERNICK: Fine, just go sit over there.

ANDREWS: What?

KAEPERNICK: Yeah, who cares? He can sit over there and watch. The tape is going to all the teams anyways and I’m sure parts will leak out. It’s fine. Just let me do my workout in peace, please. Now, I’d like to start by showing off with some accuracy drills.

KAEPERNICK grabs a football from the ground, squares up, and floats a pass perfectly to a trash can about 20 feet away.

KAEPERNICK: That was just a joke, of course. We’ll set the timer and I’ll be using the targets at 15, 25, and 40 years along this near sideline to —

GAETZ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GAETZ charges and dives into the side of trash can, spilling the contents onto the grass and saturating his suit and hair with garbage water.

GAETZ: Unfair! This isn’t a true workout until everyone who wants to participate can punt, pass, and throw!

ANDREWS: There’s no one else who wants to participate.

GAETZ: Oh yeah?! How about similarly-unemployed quarterback Johnny Fuckball! Show ’em Johnny!

JOHNNY MANZIEL: Dude, again, I don’t know who you are and I appreciate you picking up my tab last night but you told me we were going to get breakfast. 

GAETZ: See? HUNGRY! He’s hungry!

KAEPERNICK: Well, if you want to step in, Johnny, I have no problems with that. Like I said, I’d just like to move forward with this.

GAETZ: You don’t want to be evaluated along side other talent! You just want to have a secret try out where you’re the only participant. Well, who wins when there is only one player? Come on, right?

MANZIEL: I am so fucking trashed right now, there is no fucking way you’re making me run drills in this [puts hand in his pocket] — oh wait, I might be able to do something here..

GAETZ: That’s it! DRILLS! This evaluation isn’t legit without an Oklahoma Drill. Why isn’t there an Oklahoma Drill on the agenda! Sean Hannity says that, if you aren’t doing the Oklahoma Drill then you aren’t a football player at all! Johnny! Get over here and line up!

MANZIEL [sniffing and rubbing his index finger along his top gums]: Lines are already up, boss. And down. Give me a min here and I’ll be ready to RUN THROUGH A WALL! YYYEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

GAETZ: Oh shit! You trying to party without me? Hell naw. Cut me a line on this garbage can lid. Boss has had me banging Adderall with him and this should about replicate the experience.

ANDREWS: Guys, this is all on camera. You know?

GAETZ: Yeah, fake cameras, hot stuff.

KAEPERNICK: Maybe you guys do need to just go get some breakfast.

GAETZ: Damn, pizza does sound good. You want to join me, blondie?

ANDREWS: Uhhhhh, no.

GAETZ: That’s fine, I got some stills of your peephole video and I can get an appointment any of the Orchids of Asia Day Spa branches any. time. I. want. Grab the straws, Johnny, we’re getting out of here.

GAETZ and MANZIEL race off to catch a city bus pulling into the stadium stop. The assembled crowd begins packing up their cameras and stopwatches. Over the light mumbling, KAEPERNICK resumes:

KAEPERNICK: Hey, we haven’t even started yet!

ANDREWS: Sorry kid, time’s up. Guess his stall tactics worked this time. Guess you gotta have more clock awareness next time.