The pain that comes from losing someone is a strange thing. I’ve had close relatives die when I was younger. Before the teens I think. I didn’t know what to do. I remember thinking I should cry so I made myself. It wasn’t organic.
Later on, I found myself trying to decipher whether my feelings were of anger or of sadness when a family member died. I couldn’t commit to smashing a chair in my garage because I knew it was useless. A display of anger was no more likely to bring her back than was praying to the stars or gods.
Recently my cat died. It wasn’t even really my cat. I had taken her in when a friend couldn’t (so she said) keep her at her new place. Apparently only one animal was allowed and the one I took in was her second favourite. She later acquired another cat instead of taking hers back from me.
I soon learned why. The cat would meow and meow and eventually howl like a demon if I were unwilling to let her in and out at her leisure (she was an indoor/outdoor cat). Finally I learned to give her a light smack on the butt when she was being too vocal so as to reestablish dominance in the household.
The cat was with me close to five years. She remained wary of me but got along with my dog. They would sleep together on my bed when I was at work. She took so long to warm up it was only just this last winter that she started coming up and rubbing her nose on my head. Trust was not her strong suit.
This past Monday I heard screaming outside. My close friend and tenant had taken her boyfriend’s dog out in the back yard. Despite not paying any mind to the cat for months he had decided today was the day.
As I raced out the back door I saw a 120 lb Rottweiler thrashing my cat around like a chew toy. My friend had no chance. She couldn’t stop this dog, heavier than she and full of muscle. I got to him and grabbed his neck, forcing him to drop the cat. She was gravely injured and I thought to myself that I wished she went quickly. She took a few more gasping breaths and twitched a few limbs and then she was gone.
I couldn’t reach her in the last seconds. I had the dog to take care of. The dog’s owner had just arrived then and took him away. I stood there staring at the cat for what seemed like forever. Then I had to do what was necessary. I got a box for the cat and laid her on a blanket. I took her inside and showed my dog. His friend, gashed and broken. So he knew.
We slept with the cat in the room that night. I worried the whole time that she would wake and I would have to do something I had no idea how to do. But that didn’t happen.
Only a cat. Shouldn’t affect you. I’d kept it together when consoling my friend. Yet here I was afterward broken up like it was a family member. Most of the time it’s something like cancer over which one has no control. I could’ve stopped this. My job when I took on care of the cat was to ensure she was safe at my home.
And I failed.
My friend and I buried the cat on Tuesday afternoon. I was hoping I would be able to play the stoic part but I am the way I am. I cry watching movies. Of course I would do no better here.
I’m sorry, Luna. You deserved better.
Thanks for the kind words, folks. It sure is tough losing the little guys. Remembering them does make it dusty, yes, but every one of them was worth it.
We cleaned out the place so we can sell, but Oxipug is still on the top shelf. That little googly eyed bag of dust is never going in to storage.
Gotta keep him out with the family. So he can look after things when you’re away from home.
Wow its dusty in the clubhouse today. Stupid allergies making my eyes water
Thanks for sharing
And BC, you didn’t fail. Quite the contrary IMHO. Sometimes things happen. How could you have foreseen it? Sadly, and maybe never to be fully understood, a set of factors led to it. But totally not your fault.
Losing a loved one is never an easy thing. Regarding pets, I’ve been on both sides and neither side is fun. When you’re on both sides at once, it can make you downright suicidal.
When I was a Junior in Vet School we did our first surgicals. Back in those days, the dark ages now, surgeries would be performed by the students and by default the animals would be euthanized before recovering from anesthesia because most of the students could not surgerize (what, it could be a word) their way out of a wet paper sack. It was considered more humane, and it frankly probably was. These animals were going to be put down in shelters anyway. Fortunately technology happens and they don’t do it that way anymore.
But this one day, our surgical groups (three ppl each group) were getting ready to perform what is called a FHO, or Femoral Head Ostectomy. It’s a cheap way to reduce pain for Hip Dysplasia. The groups were all gonna fuck up…that’s how we learn unfortunately…. and these dogs would all be put down before they experienced the pain of their shitty student orthopedic surgeons.
Now, surgery wise I was somewhat of a “Gym Rat”. Meaning every spare moment of my first three years I spent in the surgical ward learning. I wanted to be the best Veterinary Surgeon who ever lived. One of the advisors even let me cut as a Sophomore. He could have been fired had he been found out to have let me do that. But the point is, one of the student surgical groups comes to me. Three girls, one of whom I was dating at the time. And they present this dog to me, the dog they were supposed to cut that day and then euthanize. They beg me to go to Dr. XXXXX and plead for him to spare this dog. He’s gonna say no, I tell them. Not if YOU ask him.
Crap.
I examine the dog. Nothing wrong with his hips or anything else. And there’s something about this dog. His eyes kinda just bore through me.
Who’s gonna take this dog if by some miracle Dr. XXXXX says yes?
You are, they say.
Crap.
I look at the dog again and get the eyes.
Crap.
So I go to Dr. XXXXX and explain the situation. I’ve garnered a bit of respect in the surgical dept up to now, but I’m about to fuck it up, I’m thinking. Dr. XXXXX smiles and says let’s go examine the dog. And we do. We repeat everything I’ve already done, and Dr. XXXXX agrees the dog is physically and orthopedically sound. And his disposition was amazing. Smartest and most gentle dog I’ve ever owned.
Dr. XXXXX gives his approval. Now I have a dog I never expected to have.
But he was the best dog in evar. He was a Golden Retriever/Lab mix. I named him Murphy.
A few years later, when I had bought my first clinic, I was very busy. Murphy would sleep in my office during the day, but I never went anywhere without him. One day, we drove out to visit my parents. We had done this often, but on this day he didn’t want to leave with me. I guess he was aging now and didn’t like the up and down out of the truck and the constant movement type stuff. When it was time for us to leave that evening to go home, he hid behind the couch and would not come out. We all laughed about it, but I knew. I told Mom that he’s made his choice…take good care of him.
A couple of years laterer, his age caught up to him completely. It was during a snow and ice storm. Mom’s habit was to let him out for the bathroom, then he’d come back and let her wipe his feet before going back in the house. But on this day he went down on the ice and couldn’t get back up. And his size made it such that Mom couldn’t do that indefinitely.
Mom called and told me I needed to come to the house, and gave me a brief synopsis. I showed up and took blood and went back to the clinic and ran it. Kidney failure. In a big way. I didn’t want to believe it. He was a dog that should have lived forever. Anyway….then went back to Mom’s house with “implements” in hand.
He was back in the house by now, but he couldn’t get up on his own. And if you got him up, he couldn’t stay up. There was no choice. It had to be done. And as silly as it might seem, I looked him in the eyes, and he looked back. He got a decade more of life than he would have otherwise, and it felt like he knew and was ready for what was coming. I wasn’t ready for it though. But that doesn’t change the simple facts.
When I inserted the needle into his vein, I told him he was the best dog I ever had (And even to this day he still is) and he’ll never be forgotten. He went peacefully. And he hasn’t been forgotten. We still talk about him all the time.
That dog was a human trapped in a dog’s body.
Well, I don’t have to worry about Dry Eye Syndrome today….
Yeah, I shed a few while typing that out truth be told.
All any pet can ask for is a loving home, and you gave her that. Her end was tragic, but don’t let that detract from the time you spent together, and knowing that you made her life better while she was with you.
Very nicely done. I’m sorry for your loss.
This was really well written. I can’t imagine seeing that and then having to deal with the outcome.
Be well, my friend.
This was amazing writing and courage. Thank you.
Most dogs do get along with cats, and I am heartbroken for your dog losing his “little sister” too.