The scene: The DFO clubhouse, present day. Doktor Zymm is inside, wearing a mask and goggles, and accompanying her are Steve the Ninja (also wearing a mask because, duh, ninja) and Man in Plaid #2’s Head, who doesn’t need a mask since he’s a highly advanced android.

Or rather, he’s the head of a highly advanced android.

Doktor Zymm uses a pair of tweezers to pick up a strand of blonde hair. Frowning, she puts it into an evidence bag. She then spots a doughnut crumb on the floor and carefully bags it as well. She puts the bags into a box held by Steve the Ninja, which is already nearly overflowing with similar bags.

Doktor Zymm is nothing if not thorough.

Doktor Zymm (standing up): Vell, from ze evidence I have gathered here, one thing ist becoming zertain.

Steve the Ninja: The clubhouse is deserted?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Ja, ja, of course. Ve can zee zat. No, vat I mean ist…

Steve the Ninja: They were taken by aliens?

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Nein, nein! Vy must it always be aliens mit you?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (from his perch on the table): Statistically, there is a .012579% chance he is correct.

Doktor Zymm: Don’t encourage him. But in any event, zis vas not aliens, it vas…

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Time travel.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, ja, but I vanted to make ze big reveal.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (embarrassed): My apologies. I have been scanning the room with my optical sensors and I found chronal energy residue.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, zat makes zense…

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: I also found residue from several types of alcohol, including beer, vodka, whiskey and tequila.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, zis ist not zurprising.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Additionally, there is an astonishing amount of residue arising from human ejac-

Doktor Zymm (interrupting): JA JA! Ve don’t have to know all ze details! Ze point ist, ze dumbkopfs have traveled through time. Und judging from ze evidence I have gathered…

Steve the Ninja (holding up the bagged strand of blonde hair): The Debbie Harry clone was involved?

Doktor Zymm: Ach!

Steve the Ninja: Oops! Sorry…

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Never mind. But, ja, I zink Horatio, CB und WCS vere taken to ze future by Debbie. However, Don T, Balls und OSZ have also disappeared so zey must have found zomething Debbie left behind. Tell me, do your optical zensors detect two chronal signatures?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (scanning): They do!

Doktor Zymm: Zen zey are no doubt lost in time as vell. Bah! Zometimes I zink it vould have been zimpler to ztick mit designing fusion reactors…

Steve the Ninja: So, um…what do we do now?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I zink I need to make a phone call. Ve are getting ze band back together.

Steve the Ninja: Cool! Did I ever tell you that I play the accordion?

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Ach, Zteve…

Cut to: A rather inhospitable piece of land. It’s a muddy, bombed-out waste with barbed wire strewn about. It’s also where Don T, OSZ, Ballsofsteelandfury and Cookiethulhu have just appeared.

Oh, and the blonde Viking known as Son of Spam is here too. He had been creeping up on Don T from behind, axe raised to brain him so he could steal his snazzy shorts. Kind of a dick move, but in his defense those shorts are pretty snazzy.

OSZ: Merde! This place sucks! I really liked the meadow better.

Cookiethulhu (glancing around at the devastation): I find it a bit charming, myself.

Ballsofsteelandfury (noticing Son of Spam): Oh, great. We brought along a souvenir.

Son of Spam (confused, looking around): Umm… Hva…?

Don T: Well that’s just perfect. We’re not only bouncing through time like Billy Pilgrim, now we’re taking on passengers.

In the distance cannons boom and the very ground trembles.

Son of Spam: Hvor er vi?

OSZ: I don’t suppose he’s speaking Spanish…?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Not so much, OSZ. Spanish is a romance language. That sounds more like something someone screams when they’re stuck in a water slide loop.

Cookiethulhu: Crikey! Hold on a minute, gents, I think I can solve this problem, at least.

Cookiethulhu turns around and coughs discretely into his massive paw, then turns around, holding a sickly green cookie.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Gross, man! Did you just hack up a phlegm cookie?

Cookiethulhu (holding the cookie out to Son of Spam): Not at all! Well, not exactly. I mean, yes, but it’s not a phlegm cookie, old man!

Don T: That’s kind of messed up, Cookiethulhu. No offense, but I’m not sure who’d want a cookie you just hacked up…

Son of Spam grabs the cookie, sniffs it curiously, then gobbles it down without a second thought.

Don T: Never mind.

Son of Spam (with green crumbs in his blonde beard): Det er ganske bra! Har du anymore of those?

OSZ: Hey! We can understand him now!

Cookiethulhu (smugly): Of course you can. That was a Lingual Macaron, old man. It’s a fairly common bit of old-school alchemy among the more food-related deities.

The cannons sound again, and distant explosions rock the earth. Son of Spam looks around nervously.

Son of Spam: Thor is pissed, man!

Cookiethulhu: Pish-tosh. He’d have to be sober first.

Don T: That’s not thunder, it’s artillery. I think we’re in…

Don T is interrupted by the sound of plane engines roaring above. Looking up, the DFOers spot a pair of small planes dueling in the sky above.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Those are pretty cute! Are they scale models or what?

Don T (squinting): No, those are real airplanes, Balls. That’s a Fokker Eindecker chasing an Airco DH.2. So we’re probably in 1916.

Son of Spam (looking at the planes in confusion): What was in that cookie, man?

Ballsofsteelandfury (to Don T): So we’re in one of the wars?

Don T: World War One, yes. And I think we should be leaving before…

Suddenly the artillery stops. Everything is silent for a moment, save for the sounds of the planes above.

Then, breaking the deathly silence, a high-pitched whistle sounds, followed by the shouts of hundreds of men charging to the field of battle.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That doesn’t sound good…

Don T: It’s not. OSZ, I think you’d better get us out of here.

OSZ (looking at the T.A.T.A.S.): Um…

Men appear on the western side of the field, running forward as, from the eastern side, machine guns begin to chatter.

Ballsofsteelandfury (as a bullet pings near his foot): Just push a button, man!

OSZ closes one eye and pushes a button on the T.A.T.A.S., and mere seconds before they are overrun by a veritable army the five disappear in a bright flash of light.

And reappear moments later in another field, this one filled with thousands of hippies and young people.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Whoa! Hey, this is better! Check it out, guys, I think we’re in the Summer of Love!

Son of Spam (sniffing the air): I smell magic plant…

OSZ (relieved): Whew! I was afraid we were gonna end up in Midway or something. This is actually pretty cool!

Don T: At least no one is shooting at us. But I think we should stick together since…

Don T looks around, to see that Ballsofsteelandfury is already missing.

OSZ: Um, he kind of followed this topless hippie chick who wandered by.

Don T: Well that’s just great. We need to find him before (looking around)… OK, where’s the Viking?

Cookiethulhu: I think he followed his nose.

Don T: Good grief. All right, we’re going to look for those two…

Suddenly the crowd cheers as the Doors begin playing “When the Music’s Over.”

Don T (settling in): Eventually. We’ll get around to it. We have time.

To be in continued…