Request Line: Weekend at Zuernie’s – Part 2 (Guest Stars)

INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are – amazingly – still hard at work in their office.  One – DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS – is seated behind his desk punching numbers into a spreadsheet.  The other – RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY – is flipping through a stack of headshots.  A third person in the office is lounging on the couch, throwing a football up in the air to himself and catching it.

COLE BEASLEY: I hope I don’t catch the China Virus as easily as I’m catching this here pigskin.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: [without looking up from his computer] Good one, Cole.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [puts the headshot of a young woman into a folder marked “JOSS WHEDON FAVOR REPAYMENT”] Yes, very amusing.

COLE BEASLEY: [glances at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY] Say, speaking of headshots, is there any way we can write some kind of sniper scene into the film?

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS and RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY both stop what they are doing and look up.

COLE BEASLEY: You know, just cause…I always kind of figured that by standing by my convictions I was kind of like that sniper fellow in the movie.

RTD: Mark Wahlberg?

DTZM: No, he means Bradley Cooper.

COLE BEASLEY: No, I mean the real one.

RTD: The real Mark Wahlberg?

COLE BEASLEY: No, I mean…

DTZM: Just because he’ been pumping himself full of HGH and Winstrol for the last ten years doesn’t mean that Mark isn’t real.

RTD: And Dianabol, don’t forget about the Dianabol.

DTZM: Yeah, you gotta have Dianabol.

RTD: It’s like the grandmother of all performance enhancers.

— [door flies open] —

CHARLIE SLY: Hey, did somebody say…

DTZM: [irritated] NOT NOW CHARLIE.

— [door flies closed] —

RTD: Anyhow, we should start thinking seriously about who we want to attach as your co-star.

COLE BEASLEY: Co-star? Wait, you want me to star in this thing now?

DTZM: Of course, you really want one of those Hollywood liberal actors to spoil your vision?

RTD: Besides, professional actors are too expensive.

DTZM: We’re going with a non-union crew on this one.

RTD: Outsiders.

DTZM: Guys who got fired from other productions because they refused to play ball with the system. 

RTD: Wouldn’t follow COVID protocols…

DTZM: Took too many cigarette breaks…

RTD: Tried to set up spycams in actresses’ trailers…

DTZM: Real blue-collar guys, you know?

RTD: Lunchpail types.

COLE BEASLEY: Hells bells, sounds good to me!

RTD: [holds up a headshot] How about this guy?

COLE BEASLEY: Rick Dennison?

DTZM: Ugh.  He looks like he’s high.  This isn’t “Harold and Kumar Trim the Roster Down”.

RTD: Unless…

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS nods and jots down a note.

COLE BEASLEY: Who else you got?

RTD: Jalen Richard?

COLE BEASLEY: Too, uh…[glances at DTZM, who shakes his head almost imperceptibly]…urban?

RTD: Josh Allen?

COLE BEASLEY: Ooh!

DTZM: [points at computer screen] Some bad news on this one, I don’t think the Bills will sign the release to let us use him.  He’s too [makes quotation marks] “valuable to the franchise”.

RTD: Nuts.  Well, you never know when Bernard Pollard I mean lightning will strike.  Let’s put him in the “maybe” pile.  How about this guy?

DTZM: Daddy likey.

RTD: Yeah, he’s definitely got the look.  Like Vin Diesel, but Nebraskafied by 20% or so.

DTZM: [solemnly] “He lives his life a quarter yard and a cloud of dust at a time”.

RTD: [to COLE BEASLEY] What do you think, champ?

COLE BEASLEY: Cole? Yeah, he’s okay.

DTZM: Wait, his name is “Cole” too?

COLE BEASLEY: Yeah, Cole Popovich.  He coaches for the Patriots.

RTD: Ah, nuts.

COLE BEASLEY: What’s wrong with the name Cole?

DTZM: Absolutely nothing wrong with the name.

RTD: It’s a good, red-blooded American name.

DTZM: Patriotic name.

RTD: It’s just that we can’t have two headliners with the same first name.

DTZM: Hollywood learned a big lesson from that Feldman and Haim fiasco.

COLE BEASLEY: Huh.

RTD: Wait a minute!  I’ve got it!

DTZM: You do?

RTD: The answer’s been staring us in the face this whole time!  The best part is, he’s still under contract after we wrote him off of TMR!

DTZM: Of course!  What’s he been doing since then?

RTD: Surfing, mostly.  [holds up headshot] Cole Beasley, meet your new guest star!

COLE BEASLEY: Guest star? I thought we were looking for a co-star?

DTZM: We are!  He’ll go down on the paperwork as a guest star, though.

RTD: That way we don’t have to pay him as much.

COLE BEASLEY: [shakes his head in admiration] Man, you guys think of everything.

—

Today’s theme is: Guest Stars. We’re looking for songs that feature guest vocalists (EDIT: or other musicians).  Songs by supergroups are okay too, but try to avoid plain old duets – we’ve already done that as a topic.  LET’S KEEP IT FRESH, PEOPLE! Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUrF1n’J4ck” and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  I’ll get us started with a collaboration between U2 and Johnny Cash.