Welcome to the year’s most depressing of Mondays!

A strange JV Saturday presaged some oddball stuff at the varsity level.  And I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the helmet-less motorcycle rider that is Yinzburgh slammed into reality (h/t, Game Time Decision).  But doesn’t it look weird to see…Cincinnati 41, Pittsburgh 10.  And it was 41-3 deeeepppppp into garbage time.  The Bungles can’t quite decide whether to be for reals or not – but they sure do like seeing the Black and Gold.  At least in this Year of Our Plague Lord 2021.  Beatie Mixon looks really, really good.  Even stripped the ball from a would-be-interceptor in the flat.  It was a neat play, if you seen it.

The Panthers are just seven kinds of fucked.  Cam is a nice bit of fan service, but he’s no magic potion for this Franchise in Great Peril.  Oh, and McCaffrey is ded again, that should be totes helpful.  Brian Flores’ LOLfins are playing shit-hot on defense, and they’ve rolled off 4 wins on the spin.  33-10, fin.

MRSA Dreamboat got all the BLEERGHs.  News at 11, amirite?  And OF COURSE I left Horny Fourny on my bench.  Because I am too stupid to live, you see.  Anyway, Nyheim Hines muffed a fair catch late, which seemed to end the dramatics.  Stupid Fat Humps.  But then Jonathan Taylor came alive, and we got a Q4 Prague Spring 31-31 tie.  With too much time on the clock.  Of the seven early games, this was the only one not put to bed by 4:00 EST.  But 34-31 was already inevitable, and we all fucking knew it.  Until Horny Fourny broke off a long TD run for 38-31 instead.  JEEBUS FUCK, am I stupid.  Nice kickoff return, but couldn’t quite make the last man miss.

Prison Girlfriend actually threw a TD pass this week!  Too bad it came at 3-21 to the fucking Falcons.  Duuuuuvvvvvaaaallll gifted Atlanta 4 first half points on an idiot “leverage” penalty on a FG attempt.  Which I think happened in a second game, when I wasn’t paying much attention.  So fucking sue me.  They cut the margin all the way to 21-14, but 21-3 is not the lead that ATL blows. (ppl forget that)

The Legend of White Mac, now with SNOW flurries!  His receivers did lots of the work today, but this train just keeps on building more and more speed by the week.  Turns out Grumblelord didn’t forget how to coach, after all.  WEIRD.  Anyway, Bad TannyFanny showed up again, though in fairness – he’s missing like his top 6 receiving options.   P*ts win, 36-13.

Gigantes/Iggles was just fucking sad.  I am soUrry for all (looking at two Canucks in particular) who had to pay attention to that shite.  To make matters worse, Mark Schlereth (Mr. “more annoying than fucking Collinsworth”) was announcing.  Special.  Needs.  Division.  Noo Yawk managed a long, clock-killing drive at the end – ending in a FG to take us to 13-7.  You’d not like Jalen Hurts’ chances in a 2-minute drill, and you’d be right.  Got inside the 30, though.  And his 4th down toss to the goal line really could have been caught.  Reagor is terrible, as you may have heard.

500s/Jest actually wasn’t that bad!  I guess these are equally-matched squadrons, after all.  Saleh’s bunch got their backs up after falling behind 14-3, scoring the last 18 points in a pretty decent win (by their standards).  Plus, who doesn’t love a Fat Guy TD!

Only 3 late window fixtures (Litre raised a good point in the comments – what is your favoUrite number iof games in a RZ window?  4 for Hippo, 3 for Litre – DISCUSS), but they were significantly better.  And I don’t just say that as a homer.  JUST.

Denver looked well on its way to squandering a 14-nil home lead on Clippers du Merde.  Teddy Ballgame briefly left the game, but it was long enough for a Horse Cock turnover – which led to an Ekeler score right before half.  Herbie the Duck converted a few 4th downs, and 14-all looked imminent as we entered Q4.  But then it became Pat Surtain time, as the kid saved 7 with an end zone pick (Donks made it 21-7 on ensuing drive), then scored 7 all by himself off a deflection (as the Clips neared the red zone).  Fuck, that kid can play.  AND NO, I don’t wish Denver had drafted Strawberry Fields or The Legend of White Mac instead.  Fuck that shit.  Anyway, it ends 28-13.  HUZZAH.

Fat Stafford apparently has some Lambeau-related PTSD.  Perhaps the post-game buffet was lacking, when he visited as a No-Fuck Lion?  Anyway, he sucked all the suck.  But it was still a 20-17 ballgame at the half…before all the wheels fell off.  Cascading after-effects followed, but it was all over after a muffed punt (making it 30-17 after a FG) and pick 6 on the next series.  Yikes.  Just bad.  Beckham managed a pityDOWN, though.  So I am sure he’s happy.  No joy to be found after that, other than a pointless FG with 18 seconds left.  36-28, Bay of Green.

Some 5-5s are more equal than others.  If you have home field designs in the NFC, you sure as fuck don’t want to play the 5-5 Tomsulas or 5-5 SKOL (records entering the day).  These dangerous teams met in Santa Clara, and put on a back-and-forth, Bananacakes show.  Deebo Samuel was great, before dying (groin).  Dalvin Cook was great, before dying (shoulder) AND fumbling (leading to a Tomsulas’ FG).  Santa Clara, up 8, held on 4th and goal with like 9 minutes left.  And nobody bleeds clock and kills your soul like Baby Shanny’s Santa Clara.  Janeane took her charges down the field, and into FG range at the 2:00 warning (Minny having burned all its timeouts).  But Gould pushed it from 42, so we can has drama!  It’s Minnesota, so why wouldn’t we?  But alas, Dingleberry is high and wide to Jefferson on 4th and 8, Santa Clara wins 34-26.

Sure the Ratbirds would murder (WORDPLAY!) #ThePauls at home, right?  Shit, I have to bet that at -3, and you know my track record.  OK, to be safe, I moneylined a bill at -165.  Yeah, safe.  Ain’t compulsive tendencies FUN!

Turnover after turnover in the first half, like both QBs wanted to lose.  Baker still has those tiny hands, which caused at least one.  Should we start calling him Uncle Jack?  He looks like he could be a creeper when he ages into the role.  Reminder – It’s Always Sunny doubleheader THIS Wednesday!!

The officiating crew also did this game no favours.  Which is apparently what The Shield wants??  Fuck me, I just don’t get it.

After a one-hopper-to-short ruled a #ThePauls TD (even after review, which should get Sassy Ref fired in a league with accountability) and another stupid Lamar! pick, I went to bed.