I was on vacation last week, having gotten an invitation to spend a free week at a villa on St. John in the Virgin Islands.  Came from a guy I used to work for and who my wife and I have helped out a lot over the years.  The lesson here is to always be unselfish when helping others, because down the road there may be something in it for you.

I want to say at the outset that what happened to us on the way back was, while highly annoying, at best moderately inconveniencing.  Our travails in no way compare to what happened to people when the FAA pushed the button labeled “Do NOT Push” while trying to do a software update, nor what happened to all those passengers victimized by Southwest’s decision to save a few coppers by continuing to rely on Atari software to keep track of their crews.  Those are big problems.  Ours were not, but they still sucked and are illustrative of what happens when we let a, well, not necessary per se, but still highly used, industry become very consolidated and pretty lightly regulated.

First off, our trip was great.  We flew down on American.  The plane left JFK on time, it arrived in St. Thomas on time, and it did not fall unexpectedly out of the sky during the interim.  I do not like flying, (I do not know anyone who does), but those are literally the only standards I have for a successful flight.  I am pretty easy to please when it comes to having to fly.  Leave on time, land on time, do not crash into the sea.  High fives for everyone.

We cam back on Delta.  To its credit Delta did not crash into the sea.  Or the land for that matter, although we did spend most of our time over water so I’m not giving them too much credit for that, because they simply didn’t have the opportunity.

As noted earlier, we were on St. John.  The airport for the Virgin Islands is on St. Thomas, in Charlotte Amalie.  Which the the capital of the Virgin Islands.

In order to get to the airport for our 2:45 flight we have to take a ferry from St. John.  We get to the ferry at 11.  At the ferry we get a text that our flight has been delayed to 3:35.  No reason is given.  Fine.  Not fun, but OK.

We get to the airport.  A few words about the Charlotte Amalie Aerodrome, or whatever they call it:  it sucks.  There are 7-8 gates.  There is one terminal.  The “terminal” is basically a small area in which everyone waiting for every flight sits, stands, kneels, eats, weeps, moans, sweats, (they have AC, but it is not up to the task), and/or drinks.  There is one (1) bathroom for either sex.  There is one bar.  The internet could charitably be described as ‘spotty’, although that’s true throughout the VI, apparently.

I’m not sure what options the airport has to improve these conditions:  the airport is jammed in between the sea and some significant mountains, they’re isn’t a lot of money in the Virgin Islands, (although I did my best to scatter some among several bars), and it’s a very popular destination.  Bottom-line is if you’re going to go to the Virgin Islands, (and I would recommend doing so), just don’t expect a lot from the airport.

Anyway, we are at the airport and we manage to find a place to squat near the Delta desk.  There are no screens for arrivals or destinations, and not just for Delta.  Anywhere at all in the airport.  Probably to prevent rioting.  We begin to notice a lot of people around us muttering in hushed tone  and I begin to suspect it’s about the flight, because I did shower before leaving for the airport.

We have not received any updates.  I check on the internet and our flight is still confirmed, albeit late.  My wife checks with the (very unhelpful) gate agent and is told the plane will leave at 3:45 and at what gate.  Placated if still uneasy we find seats.  I check the flight info on my phone some 20 minutes later.

Our return flight is noted to be being diverted to Miami.

Again, I found this out on my phone.  No announcement from Delta at the airport, no notification to my wife, as they did when saying the flight would leave late.  Asked for comment the gate agent responds

other than when the plane will arrive, take off, and what gate.  Dubious, but no doubt what she has been trained to say.

Eventually the plane arrives.  As we line-up Delta finally tells us what 98% of the passengers already know; we’ll be taking tour of the tarmac at Miami International Airport.  Snow and ice in New York City delayed the flight 1 hour and ten minutes, and now the pilots will be over their flight time limits so we have to change crew in Miami.

Now, bear with me because while

we need to do some anyway.  Our return flight was scheduled for 4 hours and 10 minutes.  That is 250 minutes.  The flight to Miami, which the pilots were allowed to make, was 2 hours and 44 minutes.  or 164 minutes.  That’s a difference of 86 minutes, or 1 hour 26 minutes.  Now I would argue that if you can be trusted to take off and land a plane for 164 minutes, you can probably make it another 86.  I also, however understand that safety comes first, rules are rules, and pilots can’t be expected to fly 24 hours straight just so I can get home as expected.  Fine.

BUT

The reason for our delay was weather in NYC.  Our pilot couldn’t wait to tell us that they had to spend an unreasonably long time getting de-iced that morning, ( a friend of mine from the area later told me temperatures were above freezing that morning), and what a bunch of assholes the people doing it were, although he may have been more circumspect in his description, which he could do

inherent in his tone.  Nonetheless, Delta, which I assume has access to weather reports, put a crew on a plane flying from JFK with very little room for error in the event of a weather-related delay, (after all, how often does that happen in the northeast in January?), with the intention of that same crew also handling the return flight.  Add to that the return flight is going to a major hub with connecting flights, as opposed to Charlotte Amalie, which is a destination but not in any sense a hub.  Given that situation I might have looked for a crew with ample available time in New York, rather than send the one up against the limit while crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

We fly to Miami.  We are told that one pilot is on board already, the new crew is on board, (please note that I never saw any new crew, although I did see the old one), and we’re waiting for one more pilot, then the safety check, and oh hey maybe some fuel, and then we’ll be off to JFK right quick.

Reader, we were not.  We spent over an hour on the ground.  This doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is when you’re a) not being given any good information, b) are being repeatedly told you’ll leave any minute, and c) trapped in a tube with nowhere to go.

I would also here take the opportunity to point out that if there had been any cleaning done during the turnaround back at good old Charlotte Amalie, it appears Stevie Wonder was in charge.

Did I mention that the in-flight entertainment didn’t work at all during our trip to Miami?  It did not.  At all.

I also noticed that several people got off the plane in Miami.  Which I thought was odd, since this was a scheduled direct flight from Charlotte Amalie to JFK.  When asked our flight attendant, (same one who’d been with us from the start), said that they had probably booked another flight from Miami after learning of the diversion, (again, not announced by Delta until the last minute), (although the savvier travelers clearly knew it based on the mutterings mentioned earlier), and had decided to worry about their baggage later, (which would go on to JFK without them), and get home through a Miami connection.

This leads to a conspiracy theory that Delta didn’t have enough passengers to justify a flight to Miami from St. Thomas, so they diverted the JFK flight there and sold tickets to the Miami-bound folks. Personally I think that’s ridiculous, for the simple reason that you’d be selling tickets to 10-15 people and, like a Roman Catholic priest instructing an altar boy, telling them that “this is just between us” and expecting not to get defrocked a couple of decades later.  That said, you stick 150+ people in a flying tube, park it on a tarmac for 60+ minutes and not tell anyone anything and I can see how these theories start to have some appeal.

Anyway, we finally lift off and head for JFK.  We have our car parked at a nearby hotel, (shout-out to the TWA Hotel at JFK:  Very nice, really cool in a retro way, and their valet parking attendants are awesome), so all we have to do is get off the plane and start driving.  80% of the passengers with a connecting flight, however, are well and truly fucked.  As we prepare to land we are told we’ll taxi for 15 minutes, arrive at a certain gate, and that’ll be that.

We land.  The pilot comes on and tells us, apologetically, (the pilot, incidentally, was the only one wearing a Delta uniform that ever expressed any sort of genuine contrition about the situation; the rest of the crew was like “yep, you’re all fucked, what’re you gonna do, amirite?  Want any water?” and then they would move on), that our intended gate is occupied and that we have about a 15 minute wait.

Would anyone like to take the under on 15 minutes?  Congratulations Blair Walsh, you nailed it.

We started moving towards the gate 30+ minutes later.  We got there 45+ minutes later.  During that time the crew was telling people to sit down and not get up to relieve themselves, until finally the pilot got on and told people to go ahead and feel free to use the bathrooms, after which the crew, (all of whom I sincerely hope stepped in puddles on the way home, ruining their shoes and perhaps twisting an ankle for good measure), again tried to tell people to sit down.  No one listened, because everyone knows that pilot is the autocrat of the plane.

Our scheduled four-hour trip would up taking over 7.  At no point did anyone from Delta indicate that they felt bad about this, (other than the pilot when the gate turned out to be blocked), and we certainly weren’t offered any sort of compensation for the snafu.  No one provided timely advice or notice, and those with questions as we approached JFK, that I heard, were told anything other than that a gate agent would be available to handle that.

I did see the gate agent as we left; “beleaguered” would be putting his situation mildly.  Poor bastard.

Again, this is all at best a moderate inconvenience.  We got home 4-5 hours later than we figured.  Our time confined to an airplane went from 4 hours to 7, which doesn’t sound terrible but which also sucks out loud, especially when 90-120 of those minutes is spent not moving.  The bigger complaint is that Delta will never face any consequences for sloppy scheduling, rude crew,

(side-note:  during one of my trips to the bathroom, (at that point more for a change of scenery than anything else), I saw a crew member waking up a woman who’d been sleeping in an empty row.  There were two such empty rows at the back of the plane.  The crew member told the woman, (rather abruptly given the circumstances), that she couldn’t be in those rows because the crew needed to sit in them.  Keep in mind, not only did I never see new crew members come aboard, no crew members ever sat in those seats at any point during our flight!)

(Another side-note:  Planes these days are packed to the gills.  Our American flight on the way down didn’t have a single empty seat.  Why did Delta manage to reserve six empty seats on the plane they sent to the Virgin Islands if they weren’t already planning to divert to Miami?  Do you want conspiracy theories, Delta?

Because this is how you get conspiracy theories!)

Where was I?  Right, rude crew, misleading or no information, shitty service, (no in-flight entertainment until we were just off New Jersey), no food or drink, (the crew did wander the aisle with a water bottle and paper cups), after Miami, or anything, really.  Even a giant fuck-up, (which this wasn’t), like using 30-year-old software to schedule crews, will never result in anything other than a fine and some public scolding.  The airlines have plenty of money for fines, and since public scolding only works if the subject of said scolding is capable of feeling shame, and the subject of these scoldings are airline executives, well, that’s out the emergency exit door as well.

Look, I don’t want to overreact to my situation, but if we want airline travel to improve from the customer’s perspective we as a society are simply going to have to get used to the idea of publicly hanging every third airline executive until the rest of them get the message, then continue to hang one every now and again to keep the rest of them on their toes.

Barring that the next time I go to St. John I’ll take the train.  It’ll definitely be a damper trip, but probably not much worse than what an airline is capable of.

Obviously my hindsight draft pick would be not flying Delta.  The next time I go to St. John I’ll take the train.