Monday Morning Mock Draft: Oh! Canada!

Morning, eh?  Today’s the day of the total solar eclipse.  My son lives in Burlington, VT, right in the path.  We could have gone up and had a free place to stay and see it, but instead I have to deal with two Court hearings, one of them the result of nothing more than a judge on a power-trip scheduling, and refusing to mark off, a hearing in a case that she’s been told is about to settle.

This makes me very angry, and the only sure cure for that is to turn to America’s Hat, our neighboUrs to the North, the politest, “Souriest” people you’ve ever met, those fucking Canucks, our Canadian brethren.

That’s right people, thanks to the fertile, (I assume, anyway), mind of frequent contributor Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, we’re drafting Canadiens this week.  Per the rules that RTD proposed in his proposal you are drafting a Canadian celebrity to serve a specific role for you.  If there’s a Canadian you’ve been dying to have act as your butler, chauffeur, gofer, golfer, masseuse, (am I at 250 words yet? No?), producer, director, actor, well, now’s your chance.

Per RTD you may pick a Canadian to (consensually) serve as your boyfriend/girlfriend/no-strings-attached-eh? fuckbuddy but only one such pick.  Please do not draft the roster for a Canadian gang bang.  Although now that I write that it may become the topic of another (very regrettable) draft.  Also I will add this rule:  whoever you draft you have them for the entirety of their career/life to date.  In other words you can draft Jamie Sale

for your Canadian side piece, and there’s no doubt that she was a stunningly attractive woman back in her figure skating days, but you are getting the entire Jamie Sale experience with that pick.  Bon chance with that, or however you devastatingly polite people say ‘good luck.’

Also, Bobby Orr supports Donald Trump?  That is disappointing, although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything someone who played hockey that long without a helmet thinks.

Once a Canadian has been drafted they are off the board for all purposes.  One person can’t draft Justin Trudeau for, say, fashion advice

and then another draft him as a Halloween costume consultant

although given those two pictures there’s a solid argument that Trudeau shouldn’t be drafted for much of anything.  You can, however, draft different Canadians for the same roles, so there could be multiple Canadian chauffeurs for example, so long as each chauffeur was a different Canadian.

All your Canadian has to be to qualify is Canadian at one time or another.  They do not currently need to be walking the Earth, nor currently residing in Canada.  After some thought on a question I know I will get I am also going to make an authorial decision and allow fictional Canadians as well.

Which brings us to our Commissioner, the RCMP’s finest

Dudley Do-Right.

With the first pick Rikki is going to take John Candy, in the role of Court Jester.  A fine pick.

With the second pick I am taking Canadian native, (but now apparently a fellow Nutmegger, at least part time) (must be the UConn/Yukon Huskies thing), Ryan Reynolds

(the one on the left), as my financial advisor.  Guy’s worth $350 million, (per the arrow you click on where it says “how much is Ryan Reynolds worth” on the internet, which I’m totally sure is accurate and based on only the finest and most well-sourced information), owns a gin company, a phone company, a soccer team you may have heard of, and probably 10-12 other things as well.  I could probably also get some work-out/nutrition tips as well, neither of which I would follow, because I am an American and we don’t do “nutrition.”

Also he acts.

The rest of you are on the clock!