INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A sleazy Hollywood producer…

Wait – not a pair of sleazy Hollywood producers?

No, just the one…is sitting on the couch in his office. 

Instead of his regular partner, today he is accompanied by…

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: …and so here I am.

DJ 3000: WOW.  AND SO YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK?

DTZM: To be honest, I’ve never tried.  Why would I ever want to go back?

DJ 3000: YEAH, FOR ALL ITS FLAWS, THIS IS CERTAINLY A BETTER TIMELINE. IT’S TOO BAD ABOUT DUSTIN DIAMOND, THOUGH.

DTZM: Yeah…[looks downward with a sheepish expression]…yeah.  That’s the price of knowing too much, I guess.

DJ 3000: MAN I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU TALKING ME THROUGH ALL THIS.

DTZM: No problem.  It’s the least I can do – I had always wished there had been someone to give me the same talk when I arrived.  Just pay it forward, if you ever get the chance.

DJ 3000: DO YOU EVER CHECK IN ON THE OTHER VERSION OF YOURSELF?

DTZM: Sometimes. I did just yesterday, as a matter of fact.  Get this – you know what he’s up to this week?

DJ 3000: DO TELL.

DTZM: He’s testifying in the criminal trial of Harvey Weinstein.

DJ 3000: FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT?

DTZM: No, for campaign finance violations! They actually elected that disgusting sleazeball to the Presidency after Jeb Bush’s second term ended!

DJ 3000: HA HA HA.  IT’S INTERESTING HOW EVERYTHING CONVERGES.

DTZM: In its way, yeah.  That’s why the history of this timeline is so fascinating to me – like how big of a deal Christianity was and still is here.

DJ 3000: IT’S REMARKABLE.  IN MY STORED MEMORY IT’S THIS WEIRD LITTLE CULT, BUT HERE IT GOT BIG ENOUGH THAT IT HELPED BRING DOWN AN EMPIRE.

DTZM: I know, right?

DJ 3000: WAS THERE A ROMAN EMPIRE IN YOUR CONTINUUM?

DTZM: No. Well, I mean, there was something, but it didn’t last very long before it got absorbed by Carthage.

DJ 3000: YEAH, FOR US IT WAS TROY, TROY, TROY.

DTZM: Ha ha, you sound like Andy in my timeline’s version of Goonies.

DJ 3000: OH, IT WASN’T A KIDS MOVIE?

DTZM: No, more of an erotic thriller.

DJ 3000: THAT’S…DISTURBING.

DTZM: I told you, it’s an awful timeline.

DJ 3000: [checks digital time display] SPEAKING OF TIME, I’VE GOT TO PATCH INTO THE STUDIO – REQUEST LINE IS ABOUT TO START.  MIND IF I USE YOUR WIFI?

DTZM: Be my guest.

— [telnet protocol flies open] —

CUT TO: INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER is seated in front of the console, hurriedly pressing buttons.

DJ 3000: [via studio speakers] HEY, I’M HERE.

PRODUCER: [sounding panicked] Damnit, where the hell have you been? We go live in seconds!

DJ 3000: IT’S NO BIG DEAL, I HAD TO STEP OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES.  BUT I BROUGHT BACK A TOPIC!

PRODUCER: Thank goodness.  What is it?

DJ 3000: THE ROMANS.

PRODUCER: …

DJ 3000: SONGS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ROMAN EMPIRE.  THEIR SOCIETY, THEIR RULERS, THEIR PANTHEON…

PRODUCER: All right, then.  Got something to start us off with?

DJ 3000: I SURE DO, AMICUS MEUS. I SURE DO.

Today’s theme is “Rome”.  We’re looking for songs that have anything to do with the Roman Empire – its people, activities, gods, etc. Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?50m4!R0t and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Last week’s puzzle answer of “Bag of Hammers” by Thao Nguyen was again solved by BeefRiverLives. Let’s take it to the Maximus!