About 20 teams dominate NFL discourse in all its manifestations, from yelling between fans to the hurling of fecal hashtags, and even “Letter to a Young Me” vomitives. By contrast, AFC South teams are the kids’ table of the National Football Lee, and the Titans are the stinky introvert who only eats white foods.

Although to be fair

, there’s been some shine to the AFC Sur of late. The Texans—the freakin’ imaginarios—find themselves inside Owl 59 predictions. With cause; HC DeMeco Ryans and QB C.J. Stroud are foar reelz. Another 2nd year QB, the Clots’ Anthony Richardson, was all over my preseason timeline, highlights upon otherworldly highlights of arm, speed, and marketability. And then there’s the veteran QB of the division, Trevor Lawrence, who enters his 3rd year of NFL coaching.*

* Nothing associated with Urban Meyer needs to be acknowledged, except for ridicule.

Lawrence was better than cromulent last year, before he got hurt around Week 13. Jags are quietly scary this season, if you ask me.

But the reputation for blah precedes the AFCS, despite the young QB talent. This situation reminds me of the 2010s NFC West. Back in ’10, Seattle became the first losing team to win a division, at 7-9. In ’11 Colin Kaepernick got drafted and Dangeruss in ’12. And after years of floundering, Sean McVay lit a fire under RAAMMMITTT! Hell, in the interim, the 2015 Carson Palmer Cardinals got flexed to primetime… Twice!

So with QBs Stroud, Richardson and Lawrence, the Surly Duff Division (per Hippoese) looks

In fact, Texans, Clots, and Jags have an at least 8.5 wins over / under for 2024. That’s objectively interesting. And then there’s the Titans, whose second year QB markets a mayonnaise cologne, and have a 6.5 wins over / under. Six point five; that’s only better than the Panthers (5.5), Donks (Id.) and, wow, the Pats (4.5). Six fucking point five wins for the ’24 Tits?

Naaah man. I accept that this year TEN is the cockroach in the hen dance that is the AFC South. (It’s a local idiom; in English, 🤷🏻‍♂️) But less than 7 wins for the 2024 Titans is an affront. An affront! Last year the Tits sucked thoroughly in all areas, and still managed to win 6. This offseason, the Tits threw plenty of money at all 2023 problems. Hey, don’t knock throwing money at problems; it’s certainly more than giving lip-service, and maybe, you know, the money that lured new staff and players ends up helping. For analysis, I’ll don my metrics gear:

First, there’s the new coach bump. The Pauls released Bill Callahan from his contract and he is the 2024 offensive line coach for Tennessee. But, as is customary in the NFL, Bill required a handcuff nepo hire. Thus, TEN was forced to hire son Brian Callahan as head coach. Brian C. was the Bengals’ OC from 2019-23, and under his tutelage Jake Browning became a 2023 legit fantasy option at QB. Saints have been canonized for less, just sayin.’ The new Defensive Coordinator is Dennard Wilson, longtime defensive backs coach, poached from the 2023 Ravens. Zero qualms there.

There are returning assets too. Ryan Stonehouse, historically excellent punter, is back. Last season, the Clots massacred my boy Stonehouse and he missed the last five games from an ACL tear. But what was really concerning was that, in the offseason, Stonehouse became a realtor:

Real estate isn’t just a business for me; it’s about making meaningful connections and helping you navigate one of life’s biggest milestones.

The Weapon consorting with mortgage bankers and partaking in their blood and FICO rituals was a most distressing thought. Turns out, as most times, I brooded unnecessarily.

Stonehouse’s back baybeh! Shit, anyone that skilled at anything deserves recognition. Maybe not necrophiliacs. Anyway, kicker Nick Folk is also back. Not to brag or nuthin’, but the 2024 Tits got the feet part of fitbaw ably filled. That’s gotta be two wins right there.

The main problem of the Titans was the offensive line. I saw the games. The performance of the 2023 Tits offensive line was somewhere between two poles: penetrable and holographic. For ’24, the Titans drafted yoooge Alabama RT J.C. Latham in the first round. Now Latham will be TEN’s starting left tackle in his rookie year in the NFL.

I’m sure that handling Digital Media majors from the right side ably prepared Latham to clash with elite NFL pass rushers from the left side. Besides, that’s what Billa Callahan is for! Listen, last year I saw Derrick Henry average 1.8 steps before contact and Ryan Tannehill pleading with independent neurologists to change “PTSD symptoms” for “family history of Havana Syndrome”. I won’t name names, but yeah: MUCH better LT for ’24.

2023 first round pick Peter Skoronski, mostly a left tackle at Northwestern, returns as TEN’s left guard. Again, this reshuffling is not distressing. I trust the coaching. Fine; I’ll say it less to project it more.

Skoronski faltered early last year. Around Week 4, Skoronski got a case of the Pendee Citis. During his recovery, Skoronski’s body decided to revert to normal human dimensions. Skoronoski, through sheer willpower, spent weeks downing Twinkie-Bacon quesadillas and had equipment staff rim his Gatorade bottles with Nutella.

Skoronski was able to return to a roundish shape and finished the season strong. He solid.

The center is new: Lloyd Cushenberry, a free agent formerly of DonksWoo. Cushenberry just got to TEN and is now a team captain. That projects the sort of leadership that would be undermined by calling him “Cush”. Another improvement.

On the right side, two returning OLs: RG Dillon Radunz (not unacceptable), and RT Nicholas Petit-Frere (we’ll see). Facts best kept hidden: Petit-Frere was suspended 6 games for gambling for the 2023 season. He can bond over that with new teammate, Calvin Ridley, the OG of overcoming gambling discipline.

Speaking of WRs: the Titans also signed WR Tyler Boyd from Cincy and WR DeAndre Hopkins returns. Allow me to pitch formally a reality show / reboot thingy of Thirtysomething. Youngbloods are Treylon Burks (on the #BustWatch since ’23), rookie gnat Jha’Quan Jackson (5’9, 188 lbs. according to his mother), and fantasy waiver wire journeyman Nick Westbrook-Ikhine, the pride of Indiana University. It’s a whelming room. Yeah. Consider me ready to be surprised, positively.

RBs are Tony Pollard, a most polar fantasy choice. I like this signing. As to 2nd year RB Tyjae Spears, I’m on record–and hereby reiterate:

TEs are Chig Okwonko and Josh Whyle, who will play with one of those foam Guardian caps this season. On the bench will be Thomas Odukoya, the first Dutch player in the NFL, who made the roster from this preseason play. Seeing any of these TEs in a starting fantasy roster will make me very happy—to be precise, ROTFL happy.

Defense was the best unit for Tennesse in 2023, in spite of an atrocious secondary. For this year, TEN signed last year’s C-HOX safeties: Jamal Adams (fuckhead), and Quandre Diggs (31). I remember Adams getting buzz from the Jets as a successful blitzing DB, then having a first good season at Seattle back when grocery shopping required government permission and a hazmat suit. I can live with Amani Hooker and Quandre Diggs as the starting safeties.

At cornerback, the second worst position group for the 2023 Titans after OL, TEN hired Chidobe Awuzie from the Bengals and L’Jarius Sneed from KC. And I swear on The Heiress’s life that I typed both names correctly before checking: that’s how hyped I’ve been about the signings since they happened in the offseason.

Both have injury concerns. None partook in preseason games and seldom practiced with the first team. But Sneed and Awuzie are slated to start against the Bears. Sufficed to say I got two CHI receivers on my Freezer Vodka FF team. Feel free to interpret that as a hedge, but I expect to see summin like this several times this season.

Linebackers, good! Harold Landry III is a 2024 All-Pro candidate. TEN also signed Ernest Jones IV from the Rams a coupla weeks ago. Jones, bears noting, was the Rams defensive captain; LOVE this signing. Also, there’s Arden Key, an OK edge / ILB type. But as a litigant, woof! Back in July, Key was suspended six games for a performance enhancing thingy—but appealed AND WON1!1! I had never, ever, EVER seen that. Was it a chain of custody thing? Due process violation? Someone finally bought the “A lover rubbed steroids on my junk” defense? Ah, we’ll never know, because Key’s kept mum and the NFL hasn’t said shit.

Bears noting that, after Key’s winning appeal, tenista italiano Jannik Sinner got his own doping case dismissed, thereby eclipsing míster Key’s groundbreaking victory. History may remember Sinner and forget Key, but not DFO. Slippery folks will always get their due here.

By the way: Petit-Frere’s 2023 gambling suspension was reduced from six to four games after the season started. By contrast, top 2023 Titans sacker Denico Autry (11.5), now with the Texans, got suspended for the first six games of 2024 for PEDs. Only litigious winners on the Tits baybeh! Praise Gamblor.

At defensive line, there’s another 2024 All-Pro candidate: DT Jeffery Simmons. New guy is rookie T’Vondre Sweat, mammoth NT from Texas, and a bit of a head case. Sweat’s pick in the second round raised draftnik eyebrows on account of a college DWI and him being a goofy dude. My expectation is a lotta Sophie’s Choices by opposing OLs on whether to double Sweat OR Simmons. This is an enthusing prospect.

But in the end, it comes to the QB. Mason Rudolph is the backup and I loved his career highlight,

, but never liked Rudolph. Now that he’s a Titan, Hola [cursory handshake] _gladyerheer.

The staring QB is Will Levis, about whom nobody is psyched except the most delusional Tit fans. I’ve called Levis solid son-in-law material, and I stand by that. Objective qualities: Levis is an incredibly rippT Academic All American and got a cannon arm, but is counterbalanced by seeming to like being hit and is fond of Unleashing The Dragon. Unless Levis learns to like quick short passes, he’ll get injured soon in 2024. Levis also seems to be one of those hypercompetitive types who spends months brooding about an overthrow in the second quarter last year on Week 15.

I can’t predict how Levis will perform this season, with a new coaching staff and offensive players. But TEN definitely got players for Levis having success this season. That I cannot criticize. I wanna see how it plays out.

The Tits start off @ CHI, Jets, Packers, MNF @ Miami, and a Week 5 bye. I usually hate early byes, but a team with a new coaching staff and many new starters could benefit from a global reevaluation after just four games. Entering the bye at 1-3 is a tolerable outcome, and I fully expect it now that Malik Willis may be starting at QB for the Pack.

FINALLY (I admit it’s been a longie, sawrrie), the 2024 Titans season has too many imponderables. In lieu of rosy self-deception, let’s step back a minute. Clear your mind. Imagine you’re alone, at 10:00 on a sunny day, walking along the sidelines of an empty stadium. Take a deep breath—SSNNNFFFFF! Aaah. Feel that? That moist leather and Toradol smell is the stench of Rebuild.

Thus is the baseline for the ’24 Titans: a not-laughable net point differential, within 0.500 if only for some homer calls and unlucky bounces, and a wheelbarrow full of anecdotal promise—for example: Calvin Ridley looking like a legit #1 on Weeks 3, 12 and 17; Brian Callahan becoming an aggressive playcaller, with a high 4th down conversion rate; and the Titans going three games without muffing a punt—you know, Tit fans’ dreams borne from pipe. I expect less, but am not sorry for demanding a 2-4 division record at minimum. Seven wins: I put money on it dammit!!1!!1

Gifs via giphy.com, banner via Low Commander of the Super Soldiers. Didja see the white spots on the Clots logo? Absolute dynamite, LCSS.