2024 Narrative Clearinghouse

Squeezing the last dollar out of property and collecting every single web click on game days are the National Football Lee’s Manifest Destiny and Manifest Destiny II: Xmas Is Ours Now Too. The greed doesn’t bother me; it’s only vulgar and boring. What rrrrllly gets under my skin is the dumb shit, which has been flowing torrentially like at a Washington Football Team™ home game. I’ll start with fact-based crap because reality is so freakin’ infuriating.

The Imaginaries at KC Divisional was a close game for 3+ quarters. Which is fine, with a fictional team punching above its weight and all. You’d normally expect a forfeit for KC when scheduled against a hoax. Bit aside, Houston’s defense was good. Great even, if not for a plodding media whore with a feel for open space dragging his PAUNCH, which is visible on the banner pic. Here’s a pool diving recreation of Travis Kelce:

Identical. To be clear: I have O standing to fat shame. That’s the fun!

I tuned out the Kelces last year out of overexposure and overexposure, and this season Travis has been an aggressively medium tight end—until last Saturday. Since then, Playoff Kelce populates the ether and it consists of 49% recency bias and 51% shit like “Fatty McInsufferable has 14 straight playoff games of 70+ yards, most in NFL history”. 70 yards per game is a cromulent round number that sounds kinda impressive over 14 games. But these are playoff games; 14 playoff games are more than three seasons’ worth. I’m gonna guess that very few players get a chance to play in 14 playoff games PERIOD in salary cap fitbaw. Besides, getting to the playoffs is due either to team success or playing in the shitty southern divisions. And again, 70 yards receiving is a low, low threshold for star performances. So then, 70+ yards receiving in 14 straight playoff games: it’s a figure, not an accomplishment; it’s a “record” only in the “It happened and there’s first hand data about it” kinda way.

Incidentally, Antonio Brown is second in the 70+ yards receiving in straight playoff games club, with seven. See? This means nothing.

Next narrative, keeping it in KC: the Mahomes coddling calls. Those calls happen, are maddening, and goddammit, I have a long and meandering taek about it.

🚧🚨PERSONAL RANT ALERT🚨🚧

You need fair enforcement of the rules. Otherwise, rules become arbitrary curios, a pile of words that are neither useful or compelling—like roasted dodo recipes or international law. Do I really have to say this? Most of youse live in Murrika, so you know power is power and the rule of law is a small, dry bone thrown to the rabble to make them feel like citizens.

Turning to the NFL, lawyerball is inscrutable and NFL refereeing is inconsistent (at best)—except for illegal shift or man downfield. Those penalties are enforced to the milimeter, ruin games, and are even more maddening when trying to explain the flag to someone who seldom watches fitbaw.

Anyway, it’s scripture repeated in Herm Edward memes that teams play to win. Knowing the rules will keep you from stalling drives due to technical shit, but exploiting the rules is how you gain an advantage. In that vein, I don’t remember much protest when pre-Qanon Aaron Rodgers’ cadence game got the Packers free plays after offsides. That has always been considered as games[person]ship.

But gotta say: those offside free plays have always felt… Unseemly, borderline cowardly, because it’s a waaaay cute technical ploy used in a violent and very tactical game played by jawdropping athletes. It’s icky, but surely strategic and not illegal–so I shrug and lean towards games[person]ship. That’s the same way I feel about fake spikes, late QB slides, and other dupe tactics. One example I thoroughly enjoyed, and I’m 100% sure I saw this. Alex Smith was playing right after his Theismann injury rehab (against the… Giants? I dunno). Anyway, Smith feigned a slide or going out of bounds, defenders backed away (surely on humanitarian grounds), and Smith gained extra yards. I have ZERO doubts that Smith was purposely playing the “This is not a scoring play. You gonna hurt meeee? Really?” card, which is pure guts and guile–very endearing, IMHO. Shit… It’s the XXIst Century. Nobody would jack up Alex Smith after all he went through—except Vontaze Burfict or a Gavrilo Princip kinda guy.

🚧🚨END OF RANT🚨🚧

Exploiting rules and hanging your hammock over loopholes are tactics that get success. Mahomes aiming for a flag for a late slide is shrewd competitiveness, I think. But, as many of ya have commented: for the playoffs, defenders should risk the 15 yards to hit Mahomes into the blue tent and beyond if he tries that slide shit or flopping NBA style. Hitting the snot outta the QB is tactical too, and prettay, prettay OG NFL play. Which I like.

Another playoff narrative: the Ravens suck in the playoffs. This is where context is crucial. The AFC is stackT as to quarterbacks. Getting to the Owl from the AFC might actually be more difficult than winning the Lombardee. Who were the top NFC QBs this season? Hurts? Daniels? Goff? Stafford? Love? Purdy? Touch of Downs? Pfft. In sheer talent, I’d put Allen, Lamar! Mahomes, and Burrow above the best of their NFC colleagues. And right now, I’d prefer a running-for-his-life CJ Stroud over any NFC QB except Jayden Daniels.

After BUF defeated BAL in the Divisionals, I saw a lot of #NotLamar’sFault. This, I think, is a notable human improvement, frothy angry fandom be damned. By contrast: do you remember when Peyton Manning was the consummate playoff choker back in the days when the Clots played in the AFC East and then when Brady was winning those early Owls? How about the 2005 Divisional Playoffs, Clots against Steelers, when Manning threw his OL under the bus in the “I’m trying to be a good teammate” postgame interview? Then time passed, Clots finally defeated NE in the playoffs, and for a coupla years Peyton was consensus Best Ever (rendering Joe Montana as Some Guy). This general notion lasted for a short while, before the second leg of the Brady

Point is, Lamar Jackson has PLENTY of career left and he is clearly dynamite in arm, legs, and head. Fucking fire Harbaugh-A, is all I’m saying, then have Tractorcito and Lamar! beat repeat penalty offenders with pillowcases filled with soap and paperweights Full Metal Jacket style. That’s how you build a winning playoff culture in Balmer.

I feel terrible for Mark Andrews. Not privy to Balmer Interwebz, I was surprised by the huge amount of sympathy for Andrews. Bills fans started donating to a charity dedicated to Type 1 The Beetus that was associated with Andrews after the game, and over $80k have been donated so far. (Then again, Bills Mafia sure knows how to throw money at problems is charitable.) The drop reminded me of that Week 2 game between the Iggles and Falcons. Saquon dropped a pass that would have clinched the game in Q4, and then Kirk Cousins scraped a good drive from the bottom of his tank. Saquon did not lose that game, just like Andrews did not lose it for BAL. It’s circumstantial endgame stuff and this is my line: it’s intellectually dishonest to blame a contributor who kept the game close but faltered at the end.

Of course, clutch play is a thing—an impressive, badass, godlike thing—and sports fandom rejects highminded crap. So the accepted explanation given for the Andrews drop and earlier fumble was the cold as fuck weather. Well, I’m a fan of heresy, but blaming the weather for a playoff loss is as anti-fitbaw you can get.

That was something new for me: complaints about the weather conditions screwing up the game quality of RAMMITTT @ Iggles and BAL @ BUF. Of course weather is a factor; Mother Gaia is brash and spiteful. BUT THAT’S WHAT PLAYOFF HOMEFIELD ADVANTAGE IS FOAR!1!11 Shitty fields, poor visibility, bare-armed manly men doing their best to fake normalcy… Drama cannot get higher (YMMV), plus weather games look dynamite on TV indoors. I really, rrrlllly prefer 1,000 times to watch a weather playoff game full of errors than a streamlined track meet under a dome.

The Bears are planning to build a domed stadium. I hope they’re cast as visitors at -20 Celsius in Green Bay the next time Chic*g* reaches the playoffs, in 2029.

Gifs via giphy.com and banner via Jay Biggerstaff-Imagn [sic] Images – si.com. Shouldn’t snark on pic source, but I was drankin’ 🤷🏻‍♂️