Welcome to Day 4 of [DFO] Hate Week, where the catharsis is in getting the bile out of the system & onto the page, to satisfy the incessant demand of the Content Overlords.

I hope you’re enjoying this year’s special theme week. I’ve appreciated all the comments about the deep dives, and that kind of stuff makes these still fun to do. Hate Week has been an annual Big Game ^©®™ tradition ’round these parts since 2017, and usually is an exploration of things odious to the senses and common sense. It’ll at least hold back the fury about the refereeing until Sunday.

And now,

Andy Reid

The easy thing with writing about Andy Reid is that

1. It’s Super Bowl week, so there are plenty of fresh articles rehashing old information about him, and
2. He’s been around so long there are plenty of memes & gifs for me to run with

What’s not to say? He’s definitely from the Mike Holmgren branch of the Bill Walsh tree,

which stretches back to Reid being a guard and tackle at BYU (protecting Jim McMahon) from 1978-80,

shortly before Holmgren arrived there as quarterbacks coach in 1982. After Reid graduated he stayed on at the university in various roles, and eventually became a graduate assistant under head coach LaVell Edwards. This led to him developing a relationship with Holmgren.

When Holmgren was building his Packers staff, he hired Reid as a tight ends coach in January 1992. Reid worked under offensive coordinator Sherman Lewis, and future NFL head coach Steve Mariucci was already on staff as quarterbacks coach.

He had a chance to leave in 1996 when Mooch became coach of the Niners, but Holmgren used a contractual block to prevent Reid from leaving the Packers for anything other than a head coaching job. He did the same thing again in 1997, to keep Jon Gruden from signing Reid to the Raiders staff. It was these two Paul Brown-ish prohibitions that led Reid to interview for the Eagles in 1999 – after they’d already interviewed Jim Haslett and Dom Capers. 

The rest, as they say, is history. With the Eagles, Reid holds a 130-93-1 record, which is good enough for a .583 winning percentage. His time with the Chiefs has been even more impressive, sporting a 143-53 record and a .733 win percentage. As has been repeated a million times this week, he’s the only head coach to be the all-time wins leaders at two franchises.

I’m going to skip the minutiae about his time with the Eagles & Chiefs because we all know most of that, because it’s in modern memory. However, in looking up Reid’s early days before becoming a coach, I found that both the Kansas City Star, in 2017, and SBNation, prior to Super Bowl 54, dug up some of Reid’s old Provo Daily Herald columns. They are, in a word, hagiographic.

Being a student newspaper, I get that he was in on the joke. But it does explain why most comedians aren’t Mormons.

I also came across a great story about the aforementioned Jim McMahon, as relayed by BYU teammate, NFL special teams legend, first Tongan to play in the NFL, and current Mormon elder, Vai Sikahema.

“We were playing at Wisconsin (in 1980),” said McMahon. “I took my five- or seven-step drop — whatever it was — and I got planted. Hit hard. I look up and the first guy I see is Andy. I said, ‘So you’re the one who whiffed his block.’ Andy says, ‘Yeah, sorry ’bout that.’ I saw him years later when he was coaching the (Philadelphia) Eagles and he was weighing about 400 pounds. I told him, ‘I wish you had been this big when we played Wisconsin. It would’ve taken that guy another step or two to get around you and I would’ve gotten the pass off.”

Sikahema added, “Jim’s punchline was that Andy convinced the Packers to sign him as a backup to Brett Favre for their Super Bowl run late in (Jim’s) career as a makeup for the missed block.”

Even in college, the fat joke target was in Andy Reid’s wheelhouse.

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The thing about Andy Reid is that he’s a likeable guy with some unlikeable children. So, I suppose we have to bring up the shit about his sons.

His oldest son Garrett died of a heroin overdose while assisting at Eagles training camp in 2012. Prior to this, he struggled with drug abuse for years and was imprisoned for two years as a result of a 2007 high-speed car crash in which another driver was injured. He humble-bragged at his sentencing that he got off being a rich white-kid drug dealer (but wanted to change; really!), and also got caught trying to smuggle pills into prison when he reported for his sentence.

Then there’s this douchebag,

Britt Reid did his own time for a 2007 incident where he pointed a gun at a driver in a road-rage dispute. A judge sentenced him to 23 months in prison and five years’ probation on firearms and drug charges.

Of course, most (in)famously there’s the DWI he picked up in 2021 four days before the Super Bowl. What you may not know is all the associated bullshittery that’s come out since the initial incident. To wit:

• In November 2022 he was sentenced to three years in prison. It was a plea deal to avoid the maximum seven that the statute allowed.
• The Chiefs reached an out-of-court settlement to provide permanent health care for the girl.
• In March 2024, his sentence was commuted by the Governor, who attended the Chiefs 2024 Super Bowl & got a commemorative tattoo, so Reid gets to serve his remaining time at home
  • The commutation mandated that Reid work at least 30 hours a week, install an ignition interlock system in any vehicle he operates to screen for alcohol before he drives, submit to random drug and alcohol screenings, and attend meetings with a parole officer, among other requirements.
• His wife brought up alleged probation violations during their divorce fight, including that he drove their shared kids in his mom’s car because it didn’t have a breathalyzer installed. (This is still ongoing.)

All of which reinforces the nepo baby point I made yesterday about Kyle Shanahan,

except Kyle Shanahan hasn’t exactly put an actual child into a coma.

But when one (prison) door closes, another one opens.

Spencer Reid, the youngest of the five Reid children, has been with the Chiefs as an Assistant strength & conditioning coach since 2023, and by all accounts has none of the addictions or baggage of his brothers.

His two daughters, Drew and Crosby, avoid the spotlight, and any photos found in a cursory Google search just seem stalker-y. So, I’ve left them out of all this.

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As for Reid’s coaching tree, it’s good.

Or, at least, it’s better than Belichick’s

but, again, there are problems beyond the two obvious choices. Matt Nagy is likely never getting near another head coaching opportunity until he learns how to read a digital clock. Brad Childress is retired, Pat Shurmur is working with Deion in Boulder, and Ron Rivera is still getting his moles checked. As for the active employees, Spags is Reid’s (defensive) right-hand man, but it doesn’t look likely he can turn those declining returns into another head coaching job. As for the main course, McDermott has the (current) pedigree but Pederson has the trophy. At this rate, McDermott is looking like a less-successful Marv Levy and Pederson like a not-racist Jon Gruden. 

Bill Belichick

We talked Tuesday about Bill Parcells, and the years Belichick spent working under him with the Giants definitely puts him on that tree. But I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the fact that:

• He started his pro career with the Colts in 1975, under Ted Marchibroda.
• He coached special teams with the Lions for two years (1976-77) under Rick Forzano, who was a disciple of Paul Brown. until the entire coaching staff were fired on the basis of consecutive 6-8 records.
  • Fun fact that would have been beat to death if the Lions had made it: Belichick’s dad played for the Lions in 1941.
• He was a special teams coach with the Broncos in 1978.
• He joined the Giants in 1979, recruited by Ray Perkins. He was there twelve years, survived Perkins’ firing, and was by Parcells’ side when they won his two rings.
• When Art Modell announced he was moving the Browns to Baltimore he assured Belichick he’d be making the move with them, only to fire him after a losing season. The irony is that he was replaced by Ted Marchibroda.

Now, I’m going to gloss over his Patriots years, because those are what made him unlikeable and we all know that shit already.

But his tree,

his haunted, cursed tree – that’s what’s gleefully worth examining.

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For all his expertise as a head coach, his disciples are not writing books of the (coaching) Bible.

Obviously, we give Josh McDaniels the most shit because, frankly, he’s deserved it. Among the misdeeds are the videotaping scandal I’d completely forgotten about. Also, he should’ve sued Urban Meyer and the Heisman committee for false advertising regarding one Timothy Richard Tebow. Finally, I do recall hearing that Mark Davis wanted to fire him in 2022 after losing to Jeff Saturday & the Colts, but didn’t know that he couldn’t because he didn’t have enough cash to pay the size of the severance package he’d have been owed. He apparently made it to the 2023 season because it was cheaper to fire him after a certain number of games. I don’t know how $85 million for McDaniels, GM Dave Ziegler, and a few assistants could be considered “cheaper”,

but I don’t get my hair cut by one of Robert Kraft’s carpal-tunnel’d masseuses, so what do I know?

Anywho, with that dipshit out of the way, let’s take a brief look at some of the others:

• Bill O’Brien – most famous for replacing JoePa at Penn State, and less famous for running DeAndre Hopkins out of Houston. Only has a winning record because he was fired four games into the 2020 season.
• Al Groh – I forgot he existed. Worked with Belichick in Cleveland. A blip on the NFL radar who only coached the 2000 Jets because Belichick bailed on Parcells (HOW DOES IT FEEL, TUNA?!) to take the Patriots job.
• Romeo Crennel – worked for both Parcells (1993-99) and Belichick (2000-04), but clearly the worst experience of his life was Jovan Belcher. 
• Brian Flores – he was… Y’know, I better stop here. [DFO] can’t afford to court shop like the NFL can. 

His coaching tree has combined for a record of 224-328-2 in the regular season and 3-6 in the playoffs during their combined thirty-six seasons as head coach after serving on his coaching staffs. Turns out, he’s a miserable teacher, and the kind of guy who lets Prodigal Sons fail only to take them back & give them the same job in hopes they’ll do better next time. The Monty Burns technique:

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And now that he’s out of coaching, you think he’s done?

Just look at what this unlikeable asshole wants to do now,

That’s not what I was looking for, Google. I said “wants to do”, not “is doing”. Christ, he looks like a stepdad accompanying his daughter’s school trip to Italy. All that’s missing from this apparent promo still is a Brazzers logo.

C’mon TMZ – at least give me something that implies he’s bangin’ this broad without overtly stating so.

That’s the stuff.

But seriously, none of really buys the UNC bullshit. Sure, even though he looks happy as hell to be coaching a college team,

he’s still fielding offers from the NFL just in case. (There’s the proof he’s from the Parcells line!) I can’t wait for Deion’s hastily called press conference about totally getting more calls but turning them all down because he’s sacrificing for the kids.

Oh, and then there’s this bullshit:

Somebody take Grandpa’s microphone away.

Now, I’m not as rabidly against it as some other people are. I’ll agree to it only if, like Lombardi, he dies of a horribly painful cancer in the next couple of years.

Tonight’s sports: (all times Eastern)

NFL:

• NFL Honors – 9:00 PM – FOX, NFL Network; TSN1
  • hosted by Snoop!
  • 2025 Hall of Fame class will be announced

NHL:

• Washington Capitals at Philadelphia Flyers – 7:00 PM – Sportsnet; NHL Center Ice
• Carolina Hurricanes at Minnesota Wild – 7:30 PM – ESPN+, ESPN+ for Business, Hulu
• Colorado Avalanche at Calgary Flames – 9:30 PM – Sportsnet1; NHL Center Ice
• Toronto Maple Leafs at Seattle Kraken – 10:00 PM – ESPN+, ESPN+ for Business, Hulu

NBA:

• Dallas Mavericks at Boston Celtics – 7:30 PM – TNT; TSN3
• Golden State Warriors at Los Angeles Lakers – 10:00 PM – TNT; Sportsnet360

NCAA:

• Men’s:
  • Temple at South Florida – 7:00 PM – ESPN2
  • Saint Mary’s at University of San Francisco – 9:00 PM – ESPN2
  • Santa Clara at Portland – 10:00 PM – ESPN
  • Washington State at Oregon State – 11:00 PM – ESPN2
• Women’s:
  • Connecticut at Tennessee – 6:30 PM – ESPN
  • Stanford at Notre Dame – 8:30 PM – ESPN

Well, that’s a full docket.

One more night of Hate Week to go. Thanks for reading along. Here’s hoping I can bring this baby home!