Your “DFO Super Bowl Hate Week” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob
Sellout!
Look – A sellout! Always, a sellout!

Welcome to a different week of open threads. One is not obliged to act a part, but it will be impossible to avoid joining in.

In respect of the dystopian future that lies ahead, and the passing of John Hurt, I thought I would get DFO ahead of the curve and recognize this particular Super Bowl week for what it is – an attempt to paper over the League’s faults with the pomp & circumstance of “The Big Game”®, and to build on the fantastic success that was the Pro Bowl in Orlando. I mean, look at this game breakdown from Yahoo!:

FIRST HALF                                             SECOND HALF

  1. Punt                                                      1. Field goal
  2. Fumble                                                  2. Punt
  3. Downs                                                   3. Field goal
  4. Punt                                                      4. Field goal
  5. Downs                                                   5. Punt
  6. Touchdown                                            6. Field goal
  7. Interception                                           7. Punt
  8. Interception                                           8. Fumble
  9. Touchdown                                            9. Kneel
  10. Punt
  11. Punt
  12. Touchdown
  13. Punt
  14. Kneel

So, today’s Hate Week topic: the state of the NFL.

DFO-Hate-Week-NFL (courtesy Low Commander)

For starters, they are holding the game in Houston. The last time “The Big Game”® took place in a non-NFL city was Super Bowl XXXVIII, also held in Houston, between the Panthers & Patriots. Prior to that, it was Super Bowl XIX, between the 49ers and Dolphins, held in Palo Alto. Why they would choose a town that lost its team to Nashville as host is beyond me, but I guess they wanted to avoid the icestorms and lawsuits that plagued “The Big Game”® at JerryWorld in February 2011.

To compliment your already steady diet of nightmare fuel, here is the official mascot for the Houston Super Bowl.

According to the official website, his name is “TD”. This begs the question – given the League’s penchant for squeezing every sponsorship dollar out of anything ever – why isn’t he sponsored by TD Ameritrade? He has the dead-eyed stare of a TD teller, and the rapey grin of a stock broker.

His “details”:

  • AGE: This ain’t his first rodeo!
  • HEIGHT/WEIGHT: Texas-sized
  • FAVORITE SONG: Deep in the Heart of Texas and It’s Football Time in Houston
  • FAVORITE FOOD: BBQ, Fajitas and Sushi
  • 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOU: Friendly, Fun and Full of Houston Hospitality

None of that makes any sense!

  • Where was he when Houston last hosted the Super Bowl?
    • Was he the product of a lonely Bill Belichick “inflating” game balls in 2004, born in secret as a hoodie bastard hybrid?
      • This would explain the absence, but I guess no one will have the GUTS to ask this question during media day.
  • If his height/weight is Texas-sized, shouldn’t his angina be as well?!
    • The stress of this week should kill him have him in concussion protocol before Sunday then, based on his diet.
      • Sorry, that should be “Riddell’s Concussion Protocol, sponsored by Aleve”©
  • Why is his favorite song “Deep in the heart of Texas”?
    • Houston is in the armpit of Texas.
    • If Houston were as Texas as it proclaims, why is it on the Gulf of Mexico? It should be someplace patriotic, like the Gulf of America, or on the American River!
  • And, based on the fact that the three words to describe him are actually six, it reinforces Texas’ 43rd place ranking of US public education!
    • If I had to guess, I’d peg the actual three words as “suffering craniodiaphyseal dysplasia”.

Alternative facts, motherfuckers!

Of course, they are going to use the bluster of this week to cover up the recent ridiculousness of California’s vagabond franchises – the impending LA Chargers and the flight of the Raiders to Las Vegas. What better way for rich people to ignore transients than to host a large party that culminates in “The Big Game”®? Why they even have plans to help!

Touchdown Houston is the Houston Super Bowl Host Committee’s charitable program, designed to provide a positive impact on the Houston community long after Super Bowl LI has been played. The program will donate a minimum of $4 Million, $1 Million of which is donated from the NFL Foundation, to non-profit organizations throughout the Community with a focus on three key areas: Education, Health, and Community Enhancement.

It all sounds great! It should really take the sting out of losing one’s ACA health care and watching relatives be deported back to Mexico.

Even if they're Cuban.
Even if they’re Cuban.

Roger is scheduled to give the “State of the League” address on Wednesday, where he will no doubt ask not to be loved so much as to be understood. As Florio cribs, it’s a “major break” from tradition, which could mean that fewer reporters will attend, since plenty don’t arrive until the final few days of the week. He doesn’t really want to talk to the press at all, but if he could infect the whole lot of them with leprosy or syphilis, how gladly he would do so! Anything to rot, to weaken, to undermine!

However, because the Patriots made it, the concentration of reporters who will insist on posing tough, aggressive questions about #DeflateGate will be much greater, since the folks who cover the Patriots definitely will be there on Wednesday. But surely they know the answers already? I’m sure he will remind them, once again, that the consequences of every act are included in the act itself. But Roger knows he is a lonely ghost uttering a truth that nobody would ever hear.

There you have it. A bunch of assholes waiting for a national disgrace to step up to a podium and try to spin lies into silk, in a city God or Cthulhu has tried to destroy 27 times since 1964 — eight hurricanes, eight floods, six severe storms, three fires and one tornado. Plus, the Astros.

What’s eating you going into Super Bowl? NOURISH ME!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Brick MeathookUnsurprisedJerBear50theeWeeBabySeamusSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Well, all things being equal, with my dues paid I’m completely squared away with the bar for the year and things generally seem to be coming up Milhouse.

theeWeeBabySeamus

JerBear50
JerBear50

comment image?format=1000w

theeWeeBabySeamus

Chickens are decent people.

JerBear50
JerBear50

They’re also decent breakfast.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Cant afford a Blackwing 602 or a Mongol 482? There’s always the IBM Electrographic!

Developed in 1939 by IBM, the Electrographic has a soft lead with a much higher percentage of graphite. It was used to mark machine-readable cards: not optically, but electronically, because the high-graphite mark was electrically conductive. It is a dark and smooth writing pencil.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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The Electrographic is even more popular as a mechanical pencil. The leads are .46 in (1.16mm) which is thick, so they don’t break despite being a soft “B” classification. The leads are not made anymore but are still available, as the U.S. Government and theBell System were the largest customers so millions were made.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s…..good to know…..?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

It is!

theeWeeBabySeamus

This one has grown on me over the years. Hated it when it was first released….

JerBear50
JerBear50

I’ve got two of theirs in my workout playlist. The first…

JerBear50
JerBear50

And the second

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes. It’s difficult to even pick a favorite off that disc.

JerBear50
JerBear50

I like a lot of their stuff since, but that first album is fucking ridiculous. A lot of people won’t like it, but I’ll take it over Nirvana any day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I do not disagree.
Which is not to say I don’t love Nirvana.

JerBear50
JerBear50

The first time I heard Lucero, I could’ve sworn it was Cobain fronting an alt-country band

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably my personal Pearl Jam fav…..

JerBear50
JerBear50

Rebuttal

theeWeeBabySeamus

Duly noted.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t find a butter knife…
(sorry, old joke)

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Travolta’s character is such a piece of shit in Pulp Fiction. He so deserved to get shot getting off the toilet.

theeWeeBabySeamus

He did love Mia, though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I recently booked airline travel for a trip I’m taking in a few months. I made sure to reserve window seat every leg. I got stuck in middle seat twice, to and from Vegas. Fuck that.

JerBear50
JerBear50

I like aisle. Window seats on some planes curve in and I’m too tall. I end up having to hunch down the whole flight. Still better than middle though.

Senor Weaselo

Could be worse. You could have a middle seat on a trans-Pacific flight.

JerBear50
JerBear50

He’s a Carolinian… careful with all the trans talk.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That should be illegal

theeWeeBabySeamus

JerBear50
JerBear50

That’t the only one of theirs I know how to play. Might still be my favorite.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I once had a lady friend tell me this one reminded her of me. I never knew whether to be flattered or insulted. So, pretty much like every other day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, it’s one of those “we’re afraid to go with you, Bluto” nights, huh?

theeWeeBabySeamus

/Awaiting stupid and futile gesture
(you’re just the guys to do it)

Senor Weaselo

Stupid AND futile? I thought I was getting better at not doing that!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Caw Caw! I got the panties! Caw Caw!

(That might not be how that goes)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Howdy, shitmonkeys.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Konichiwa, bitches

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Senor Weaselo

Oh hey, our favorite creepy Scotsman’s gonna have a show on satellite radio. So there’s one good thing that happened today, to… many bad ones.

Brocky

refresh my memory, who’s our favorite creepy Scotsman?

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Senor Weaselo

The one who had the gay robot skeleton and not a real horse.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh, him!

JerBear50
JerBear50

Looks like I’m gonna have to finally re-subscribe.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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How about a Faber Mongol 482? This was a ubiquitous pencil in the mid Twentieth Century. They don’t make ’em no more.

Don T

I used to chew on those.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Here’s the formal surrender by Germany to the Allies at Reims in 1945. Each participant was given a Faber Mongol 482 for note taking, as if the Germans were going to actually haggle at this point. The surrender documents were signed in ink.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“If we didn’t need to formalize this and go through all the legal pomp and ceremony, we’d strangle you all to death with our cocks you evil cunts.”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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And how can we forget “Animal House,” which was set at fictional Faber College, home of The Mongols.
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Brocky
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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/finger kiss

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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WCS

Why are three Massholes from BAHHSTOHL SPAWRSTS on Comedy Central right now?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Dear Barstool Sports:
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Don T

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Oh that’s even funnier now. If you come here and it kinda sucks… That’s on you papi.
Welebichos.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A strict but fair punishment

Brocky

A strict butt fair punishment

FTFY

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

¡Gracias!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

So somebody fact check me;

while the attorney general is appointed by the president, in addition to its other functions, part of its role is to advise the president on the legality of their actions, and if necessary, deny unconstitutional actions from taking effect, correct?

WCS

If your underlying message is “would Jeff Sessions stop Drumpf at any point,” the answer is no.

Besides, no one in Washington has the stones to actually try and stop a Chief Executive gone mad in a long, long time: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturday_Night_Massacre.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

more wondering how petty it is for trump to fire someone walking off the job in month

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

So many concussions in one .gif, Roger Goodell denies this .gif’s existence, says it’s really a good thing for those involved.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Brocky

you’ve heard of /r/retiredgifs?

this is /r/retiredfarside

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No, and no.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Still has a boss: The Prez. Counsel only gets you so far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Now THAT is a principled blow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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