Day 65 of The Offseason.
Position: 38°37’38.17″N, 90°11’52.4″W.
Winds variable from SSE.
It has been 65 days since last we sighted Football. The days grow longer and the crew more fractious as we drift further and further into the Great Doldrums.
Our closest contact with civilization was four days ago, when we chanced across the wreckage of Derek Carr’s career.
The situation is becoming desperate. The first officer has ordered every remaining crewmember flogged, and none has protested as it will be a break from the boredom. Particularly concerning is Bosun’s Mate Balls, who asked if he might have a second turn. He was denied, as denial was deemed more of a punishment, and restricted from access to the cat o’ nine tails.
Victuals are still plentiful, if disgusting. A cask of cheeses was reported as rotted and maggot-infested. Upon further inspection it was found to simply be provel.
The midshipman’s berth has resorted to cannibalism, though apparently out of a sense of curiosity than desperation. As there were too many of the little bastards to begin with, I have chosen not to intervene to quell their youthful high spirits.
Fortunately, the rum remains plentiful. It is our last remaining bulwark against open mutiny, and I fear for my safety if we are forced to resort to apéritifs and liqueurs.
The lookout has just called out that he has sighted NFL News, claiming to have seen the Dolphins trying to trade Jalen Ramsey despite making him the league’s highest-paid cornerback seven months ago and having fuck-all as cornerback depth behind him. Given that a move before the draft would require Miami to eat $29 million in dead cap AND require the receiving team to pay a 35 year-old cornerback $21 million this coming season alone, this is clear nonsense. The lookout shall be flogged until his senses return.
WHAT TO READ TONIGHT:
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.
Soooo it’s Easter Week, and if you would like a heavy dose of comic heresy to get you through those long, long Sunday services, have I got the book for you!
It’s got sex. It’s got violence. It’s got The Stupidest Angel. And despite it being sacreligious in a multitude of ways, it has a genuine affection for Joshua of Nazareth. Worth a read.
