Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
God sometimes takes us into troubled waters, not to drown us, but to cleanse us [in bed].
Unknown
Since it’s almost Easter, this means a 3 day nap and you come back to life.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
I don’t know why I ask stupid questions of my wife like “do you think we’re ever going to use [thing X that has been sitting on a garage shelf for the last fifteen years gathering dust and has not been touched even once during that time]. Of course the answer is going to be “yes”.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Brocky
Redshirt: 2: Number of Times Locked Keys in Car in Four Hour Period AND Number of Times Car Unlocked by Same Police Officer in Four Hour Period
Redshirt
Brocky
How many veterans do we have here?
Obviously I was in the submarine service, the worst finest of the whole kennel.
Brick Meathook
Fun fact: I was recruited to officer school to serve on a nuclear sub. But then I got accepted to an Ivy league college and went that route. And that’s how I became a drunk dropout. And I got to live in Manhattan for most of 4 years as an added bonus.
Mr. Ayo
Looks like Spam won the DFO bracket, and I somehow came in second!
Doktor Zymm
(sigh) gotta make room for another gently-used Fleshlight on the dresser
SonOfSpam
I don’t think that’s where you’re supposed to put them.
Gumbygirl
If you have more than three, you’ll need an on-deck area.
SonOfSpam
never doubted it for an hour
Gatoraids
I wonder where I can find an old Soviet joke book, think it’ll come in handy. Politics has me in a grim mood today
Doktor Zymm
Won’t lie, DFOers: I’m as nervous as I’ve been tonight here. Brand new police dispatch system and software went online at 11:00 this morning. This is collectively all of our first night with it; hijinks are a guarantee.
It’s worth noting that in my training class last week for this, there were three of us. We managed to stump the instructor and “expert” four times in an hour with questions and scenarios we just came up with on the fly with scenarios that we could very well face. That was uh… hmm… disconcerting.
Anyway, into the wild blue yonder yet again.
WCS
“HELP ME, SOMEONE IS BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE”
WCS: “Stay on the line ma’am, I’m sending help right now.”
WCS: (pushes new blue button)
WCS: (penetrated by DildoChair3000, gets 2 gallons of Mr. Pibb dumped on head)
SonOfSpam
Is this where the Kraken goes when it’s released?
Doktor Zymm
When I woke up (Yesterday at work? Don’t get me started) this morning “Yeah Right” informed that next week I’m going to Canada. Can some please tell me what’s going on?
I know, I’m dead and this all just part of it.
DJ TAJ
Found a funny:
Trump- After much consideration, I have decided that EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY I will no longer be cutting off my own dick. I will, however, continue to take an aggressive posture towards my balls. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
LoL
rockingdog
Gumbygirl
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ.: [referring to her coffee]…and because I got the drip…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh I didn’t realize you’d had gonorrhea before.
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ.: [glares at Rikki hard enough to liquefy his internal organs]
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
/wifey wins 27K in some “Chase The Ace” thingy that she wasn’t paying attention to
Sister: “How are you going to spend it?!! Let’s go to Mexico next week!”
Mother: “I bought several tickets for you over the years-you owe me $5,000.”
Brother: [tells everyone he can think of on Facebook]
Cousin: “I heard the news. I called a local reporter!”
/what a fucking shitshow
scotchnaut
That’s awesome that she won, sorry that she made the mistake of telling anybody but you about it.
(it was her that told, right?)
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Never tell anyone anything.
SonOfSpam
Running Away From That Hill: Kate Bush gave me the ok to modify the title, fyi.
And If I only could
I’d make a deal with Reek
And stop him from hitting faces
Running from that dwarf
Running from that Hill
Running out that building
Say if I only could
SonOfSpam
I don’t have a good camera or any neat history anecdotes like Brick usually does, but here is a picture of the brewery in LA where I am currently enjoying a beer
https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/IMG_20250410_165550_447-1744330208.5205-276×300.jpg
Doktor Zymm
That is an excellent name.
Sharkbait
Jane Goodall spent a lifetime looking for one of those.
Horatio Cornblower
Sharkbait
Thought maybe you’d do a vanilla cocktail today in honour of Cleveland solving their QB problem.
SonOfSpam
Sharkbait
OK folks, I’m off the beer and into the hard stuff, Valerian Root tea. Gonna get back into my books and nod off. Be good.
Or not.
What am I, your supervisor?
Horatio Cornblower
/steals Rikki’s bit
Linguine Donut has 24 at halftime in Houston, treating Texas like Sherman treated Georgia.
/changes name to Horton, since I hears a Whover
SonOfSpam
A couple of months ago I took a deposition where the plaintiff testified that she was on her way to a “really great doughnut place” in Norwich and I stopped the deposition, went off the record and told her to spill the beans on the name.
Fuck how the accident happened lady, tell me where the doughnuts are!!
Horatio Cornblower
I am.
/ gavel drop
On vacation!
Fuck everything that isn’t fun!
yeah right
So we’re just cutting da gays now, thanks Obummer.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/44617233/colts-release-kicker-matt-gay-two-years-giving-big-deal
Jimbo
I have had a very productive day! I drew some kickass stick figure art, sped up the data ingestion and processing job I’m building for work by 15x, had TWO free breakfasts, and now I’m settling in to win my first game at Deity in Civ 7 while sipping on a nice glass of Cabernet.
Have I mentioned how much better my current job is than working for Meta? A lot. The answer is a LOT better.
Doktor Zymm
Fun story:
Just switched cell providers. Got a new sim card to switch over. Looking for a paperclip to push the little switch to pop out the old card.
Found a paperclip.
Quick digression, I booked the Toronto trip almost a year ago. Everything is paid for except meals, drinks etc.
The paperclip was clipped to about 550 Canadian dollars that I guess I bought about a year ago.
One month ago my brain said, hey we need Loonies for the trip so I purchased about… 550 Canadian dollars.
I’ve got over 1100 Loonies for the trip now in cash.
Steaks and blow jobs for everyone!
I’m buying!
yeah right
I just had my best terrible idea of 2025 – when is Canadia Thanksgiving? Going to suggest to my kids that we celebrate that instead of Fascie Murrika holidays.
Plus, they’ll all be able to get off work and flights will be reasonable.
King Hippo
October
litre_cola
It’s always the second Monday of October, as the majestic beaver intended
Game Time Decision
Normally, I really do like this jorb. I think that’s been made relatively apparent. However, I am 23 minutes away from end of shift, and there is half a homemade lasagna, biscuits, fresh salad, and milkshake waiting for me at home.
WCS
11 hours at the little league field today running the snack bar for eight hours and kids’ game for another 2.5 hours after that. I shall enjoy this beer… and the next one and the next one etc. Did you know that so-called volunteers don’t even get paid?
Bogdanski
That’s why you steal.
blaxabbath
Would love to except Dr Mrs Dr Boganski is the league treasurer and insists on “integrity”. She’s also the PTA treasurer and I just can’t convince her to do a bunch of white collar crime in the neighborhood and run off to Mexico with like, $700
Bogdanski
Just got another tattoo. And now we wait for the itch…
Horatio Cornblower
SonOfSpam
/I had a very close friend thru high school that was very adamant about Lent (his parents were super serious Italian Catholics)
John: “I’m giving up chocolate for 40 days.”
Me: “Why?”
John: “It’s important.”
Me: “But why?”
John: “Because you have to sacrifice.”
Me: “But why?”
John: “To prove that..you..love…God.”
Me: “So, if you don’t do it you don’t love God?”
John: “I…no. I still love God of course.”
Me: “So why do it in the first place?”
John: “I…I don’t know.”
/this was not a verbatim conversation of course
//today John is a lapsed Catholic (I believe) that goes thru the motions for his kids because his parents are still alive
scotchnaut
GOLF ANNOUNCER: That is…six inches away from being wet.
DEANNA FAVRE: [rolls her eyes, makes dismissive wanking motion]
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Mmm mmm thats good hustle and eating.
Yesterday I did a 21 hr 11lb pork picnic roast at 225 from food and wine, with serious eats kenji-alt best roast golden potatoes recipe, and some slow cooked green beans. Little bit ambitious with scheduling one oven time and sure we didnt eat til 8pm but was worth it in the end.
Gatoraids
I need a massage. I really don’t understand why some notable NFL dudes have to get all creepy with massages, they’re pretty awesome by themselves, no need to add sexual assault
Doktor Zymm
“It’s not assault if you pay $35 extra”
-R. Kraft
SonOfSpam
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
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