Request Line: A Prom to Die For – Part 5 (Theatrics)

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

All the lights are…actually, most of the lights are out.  A single spotlight is pointed at a disco ball on the ceiling, the reflections from which faintly illuminate DJ 3000′ as it boots up…

…to a studio that has remained empty during the entire NFL season.  As we watch, DJ 3000”s console flashes the text "TCP-IP connection request sent..." shortly followed by "TCP-IP connection secured...receiving data..." before cutting to a security camera displaying the area behind the multi-use gymnasium’s stage.

CUT TO: RICHIE INCOGNITO standing backstage, a crown perched on his head.  We hear someone speaking into a microphone offscreen, but it’s hard to make out the words.  As Richie takes a deep breath and prepares to step out onstage, there is movement behind him, and the shadow of a FIRE AXE appears on his shoulders as someone approaches ominously from behind…

RICHIE INCOGNITO: [whirls around]

— [RICHIE’s eyes fly open] —

JACK DEL RIO: Hi Richie!

RICHIE: Coach Del Rio?

JACK: Thank God I found you in time!

RICHIE looks down at what Jack Del Rio is holding in his hands.

RICHIE: [takes a step backwards and puts up his hands] In time for what?

JACK: Well for one thing, it’s not safe to be a monarch right now. Have you not heard of this “No Kings” movement?

RICHIE: I try to steer clear of politics. [still nervously] So…what’s with the axe?

JACK: [glances down] Oh, this? It’s for personal protection.  Some woke judge revoked part of the state’s open carry law and now it’s illegal to bring a loaded gun into a school, can you believe that?

RICHIE: Speaking of states, maybe you can help me out – what state are we in right now?

[editor’s note: A state of suspense, one would hope!]

RICHIE: Like, I know that Soscatee High School is supposed to be in South Carolina, but my date kept talking about how Hunter was out of town for a couple weeks because he went to a family reunion in South Carolina, so it doesn’t make sense that…

JACK: Look at it this way – have you seen the show Riverdale?

RICHIE: Of course, lots of top shelf puss on that show.

JACK: Same one.

RICHIE: Yeah, but what state is Riverd…

JACK: [interrupting] Where’d you get that crown, anyways? I thought all that multiple gender queer tolerance crap means they didn’t do prom kings and queens anymore.

RICHIE: Look around you, man!

RICHIE INCOGNITO gestures expansively, and the camera pans around to show the backstage area full of props left over from the school’s production of King Lear. 

JACK: Wow, these drama dorks are big-time hoarders, huh?

RICHIE: Fuckin’ freaks, right?

JACK: Total losers. But seriously, Richie, the reason that I’m here is that you’re in danger.  There’s a vast conspiracy in play and you’ve been caught up in it.

RICHIE: Come on, Jack…

JACK: I’m telling you, Richie, this thing is big.  Huge.  It makes the theft of the 2020 election look like a pack of bubble gum – and it goes all the way to up to our nation’s capital.  You see…

Suddenly, there is a flash of motion and the point of a javelin emerges from JACK DEL RIO’s throat.  His mouth moves as he attempts to speak, but no sound comes out.  As RICHIE INCOGNITO watches in horror, blood begins to gush from the wound and JACK DEL RIO collapses onto the floor. RICHIE INCOGNITO steps back and puts his hands up, then grabs the crown from his head and hurls it at the offscreen assailant.  RICHIE INCOGNITO then ducks through the curtain and onto the stage, astutely pulling the curtain closed behind him.

CUT TO: Inside the gymnasium, showing the stage from the perspective of HUNTER RENFROW, who is still dancing with RACHEL DUNBARTON and ANGIE MARTINEZ. 

RICHIE INCOGNITO emerges onto the stage, his tuxedo spattered with some of JACK DEL RIO’s blood.  He turns in fear and falls onto his backside.  As RICHIE INCOGNITO puts his hands up defensively, we see the point of a thrown javelin emerge from the curtain but it loses momentum and gets caught in the heavy fabric halfway through.  

HUNTER RENFROW: Holy Jesus!

DJ 3000′: [via HUNTER’s cellphone] I TRIED TO WARN YOU. GET THE GIRLS AND RUN!

HUNTER RENFROW heeds his words and reaches out, grabbing the hand of first RACHEL who has witnessed the scene on stage and is frozen in fear, and then ANGIE who is still dancing obliviously.

DJ 3000′: OH, AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, I NEED A TOPIC FOR THIS WEEK’S REQUEST LINE.

HUNTER RENFROW says nothing as he ushers both of the young women towards one of the clearly marked EXIT doors.

DJ 3000′: FINE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF. THIS WEEK’S TOPIC IS…THEATRICS. WE’RE LOOKING FOR SONGS THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO WITH LIVE THEATER. I’LL GET US STARTED WITH SOMETHING FROM ONE OF THE MOST THEATRICAL BANDS OUT THERE, THE DECEMBERISTS.

Welcome back to another wonderful season of REQUEST LINE! Today’s theme is “Theatrics”.  We’re looking for songs having anything to do with live theater.  Please post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Rd3rM4nA” and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Last season’s final puzzle answer of “Pretty in Pink” by The Psychedelic Furs was solved by SonOfSpam, who has been lazily resting on his laurels all season long and is ripe for dethroning.  As always, thank you for joining us during this interminable offseason, and without further ado let us let the winter of our discontent begin!