Ravens Preseason Tomfoolery – I Reside in Hell

So here we go again, another season with the Ravens, more heartbreak and broken dreams and shattered televisions.

We got a new coach, no more The Many Confused Expressions of John Harbaugh to decipher. Training camp reports – packed with more bullshit than any 100 politicians on any given day – are positive. He’s a “player’s coach” and “no nonsense.” Okay.

That’s the most accurate information you’re going to get because I wrote this profile with my two sons and wife in the room. Why? Well, I’m trying to be a saint and you gotta go through extreme torture to get that title, and I think you need to punch a Baptist. Not sure on that one.

If you’re keeping score, here are the players:

• M: Fozz
• OF – older Fozz
• MF – middle Fozz
• W – Mrs. Fozz

Opening Scene: All four of these people are in the same room because…I don’t know.

ME: “Can you all shut up? I’m writing the preseason piece for Door Flies Open.
OF: “Dad’s imaginary internet friends!”

MF: “Loser.”

W: “Are they nice?”

ME: “Okay, so what do I write about first?”
OF: “That we’re going to get our hearts broken again by the fucking Ravens.”
MF: “You know what dad likes more than football? BOOBS!”

W: “That’s disgusting.”

OF: “It’s the truth.”

ME: “God, please. What do I write about?”

OF: “Our defense looks good; I think our secondary has taken a big turn. Marquis Robertson, Mitchell of course. Rayshaun Benny great at DT, Zion Young is going to help out over the top and we have GOT to keep Ethan Burke.”

W: “I miss Justin Tucker. Is he ever coming back?”

MF: “Maybe, because he’s probably finished jerking off in front of massage people in Texas.”

Middle son leaves conversation to yell into the phone to one of his friends. He has also been yelling “DAD LOVES BOOBS!” on a consistent basis.

W: “If the cursing doesn’t stop, I’m leaving.”
M: “Not a bad idea.”

OF: “Let’s talk offense. Lamar! King Henry! I’m thinking Zay has an outstanding year and Ja’Kobi Lane, if he’s not a pussy and can stay healthy, is going to be a great decoy as a rookie.”

MF: [yelling from upstairs] “FUCKING THEY GOT RID OF RICARD! BULLSHIT!”

OF: [looking annoyed and at the same time on his phone]: “Just say that our offensive line is solid, our center looks good and – “

MF: “FAALELE IS GONE! HE SUCKED ASS! FUCK HIM AND FUCK HARBAUGH!”

M: “I can’t figure out what else to do. Hold on. [pours pint of bourbon]”

W: “Really? It’s 3 in the afternoon.”

OF: “Let him! He’s happier after he’s had a few.”

MR: “I’m shotgunning a beer if dad’s already drinking!”

W: “See the example you’re setting?”
OF: “Remember when we were in the old house, during the Chargers game? Dad drank 12 beers, and mom said he had a drinking problem. No, the Ravens had a problem.”

MR: “DAD LOVES BOOBIES!”

So that’s what I have. Or don’t have.

To be honest, I think we get to the AFC championship game this year. If Lamar doesn’t get us over the hump, he might go and seek greener pastures. If he does, half of this city will rejoice and the other half will kill themselves.