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[Free Ballin’ Football Podcast Collective Editor’s Note: I’d be derelict in my duties if I didn’t give full credit to Josh for this ridiculously amazing storytime. He’s a special one!]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and across the NFL
Not a creature was stirring, except for LeGarrette Blount and Le’Veon Bell
There were no red flags hung, by the chimney with care
Jeff Fisher knew he had his, but didn’t know where

The Harbaugh children were nestled snug in their beds
While visions of milk steaks danced in their heads
And Rob with his long hair and Rex with his banded lap
Had just set the table for a big winter snack

When at the far end zone arose such a clatter
Colin Kaepernick kneeled down to see what was the matter
Away to the window Moss flew like a flash
Randy tore open the shutters and grabbed that straight cash

With a couple young drivers, so lively and quick
We all know by now Dak and Zeke are sick
After maiming the Eagles their lineman they came
Jerry Jones whistled and shouted and called them by name

“Now Tyron, now Travis, and now too Zack Martin
Now Ronald, now Doug Free, you too Jason Witten!”
To the top of the NFC! Top of them all!
Let’s just hope the Giants aren’t coming to ball

Unlike Cam Newton when yellow flags don’t fly
And after the game at the podium he cries
The Cowboys approached, upon the house they drew
With a basket of deplorables and St. Jerry too

And a crack and a snap I then heard on the roof
Sounded like some vertebrae, maybe a collarbone too
Woody Johnson drew his head and was turning around
Down the chimney, Tony Romo fell head first on the ground

He was covered in bandages like a mummy’s suit
The look was completed by one walking boot
Jerry Jones then appeared basket slung on his back
Ignoring Jim Irsay to his left smoking crack

I wanted to match this poem line for line
But life intervened and I ran out of time
So here are some rhymes with an NFL theme
About some relevant or interesting teams

Titans are surging down in Nashville
Texans benched Brock who’s paid 17 mil
Colts showed some life while the Vikings looked tired
Jaguars said to Gus Bradley YEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR FIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD

Dick Sherman complains wants to run from the 1
Now in the press he is under the gun
They say it’s not a subject for players to broach
Can’t wait for Sherman to be second guessed as a coach

Raiders looking strong eyeing bye in first round
Did Marquette King really give Kim K the pound?
After Mile High meltdown Talib was hot
Watch your back Siemian you might get shot

NFC South division matchups in the cards
Look for these teams to put up points and yards
With Cam and Matt Ice and King Crab and Drew Brees
It’s the only division with four competent QBs

Here come the Packers R-E-L-A-X
Even though they have no healthy tailbacks
Lions are struggling and if they want a win
Monday in Dallas is the place to begin

Rex is on life support here comes Matt Moore
IF they lose this Sunday Bills show him the door
Pats have it wrapped no surprise upset
Bill Belichick? “We’re on to the Jets”

Ravens at Steelers are on Christmas Day
Bengals are finished, Browns plan a parade
So enjoy your Chriskwanzakah Genpop, I’m out
Whatever you do don’t forget to BALL OUT!

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