Strategic Ennui and Other War Crimes: 2026 Carolina Panthers Team Preview (and Tuesday Open Thread)

Imagine if “I just can’t” was a football team.

That’s this year’s edition of the Carolina Panthers. They “won” the NFC South with an 8-9 record. It’s the fifth time an NFL division has been taken by a team with a losing record, three of which have been the NFC South. We semi-jokingly  talk about relegation on a regular basis, but the reality is that we actually need yearly realignment. As it stands, the NFC South basically operates under a gentlemen’s agreement: as long as no one tries too hard, all four teams can dangle the prospect of Playoff Football to sell season tickets to their inbred halfwit fanbases.

Yes, even the Saints. Their fans are that drunk, dumb or both.

It’s honestly kind of tragic that the NFC West and AFC West chronically have 2.5-3 playoff-worthy teams battering each other into oblivion, while every year the AFC South and NFC South come down to whose shit-stained bedsheets are least fragrant. Imagine the G-League champ getting an automatic spot in the NBA Playoffs.

And don’t give me any shit about geography and travel issues. The NFL is willing to send two teams literally a third of the way around the world.

Anyway.

Bryce Young is More Likeable, Less Talented Kyler Murray.

I don’t know how to quantify expectations, but Jonathon Brooks’ hype-per-carry metrics may be best in league history. 22 yards rushing. Total, coming into his third pro season.

Tet Mitchell seems like a nice enough guy. Pity he’s going to regress so hard his neck is likely to snap.

Chubba Hubbard is one of my favorite NFL Names. But his injury issues aren’t going to get better with age and wear.

The Panthers remain the least distasteful of the NFC South options, which is deeply damning.