EFL CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK 5 – BRINGIN’ DA FUNK

It’s already matchweek FIVE down here in the briny deep, and holee shee-it have there been some surprises so far.  Look at Charlton Athletic with 10 points out of a possible 12!  Look at Burnley; second from the bottom with 10 goals against! Slow starters West Ham, Wrexham and Southampton have steadied themselves, and are rising to the top like bad cream in your coffee. West Brom, Norwich City, and Millwall have revealed themselves to be FRAUDS, and are now plunging, screaming soundlessly, towards relegation.

The Championship is a league for those with short memories though, as the matches come at a truly fearful rate. I don’t know how these guys stay healthy. For instance, by the time our beloved Scott Hansen takes his final piss and his first line of blow to kick off SEVEN HOURS of Week 1 of NFL RedZone eight days from now, these poor humps will all have played three (3) more league matches. So it’s pointless to pore over the table right now.

To your Saturday morning tee-vee matches! (all on gutless stooge provider Paramount +)

7:30: Preston North End vs Blackburn Rovers – the Championship’s lone offering in this window, and going up against an absolute banger in the Prem, as Newcastle vs Yeah Right’s Cherries should be an absolutely fantastic match. Still, should that one turn sour, head on over to this blowout. Hear me out: Rovers started out of the gate with a draw at Wolves they should have won, and followed that up by punching Middlesbrough right in the face. Then they lost at home to QPR, who are currently in 2nd, and held on for a road draw (down a man for the last 20 minutes) at Lincoln City. The Lilywhites are in dead last and have surrendered 3 goals in each of their 2 home matches. Rovers are better than 6-1 to do the same. Why not plunk down a few shekels on Blackburn to maintain the status quo and check in near the final whistle?

The pick: Away Team – OVER 2.5 Goals (+630)

These games are going right up against the meat of the Premier League Saturday scheduling. We bow, respectfully, to Rebecca, Tim, and the Robbies

.

10:00:  Burnley vs Bristol City – One of the astounding things about watching West Ham’s descent is watching a Nuno Espírito Santo team have such a proclivity to give away points from winning positions. A perfect example is the season opener on the road at Burnley. West Ham were ahead 0-2 in the 83rd minute at which point I assume someone talked shit on Zian Fleming’s mother because he ended up crashing two goals in against Nuno’s hapless substitutes. 2-2. As it turns out, that point represents exactly half of what Burnley has earned this season, and they didn’t deserve it. Bristol City stumbled out of the gate at home against frauds Millwall, who took advantage of an early Robins red card. They’ve since earned a tough road draw vs Birmingham City, and beat up Portsmouth and Preston N.E. I hate this game through the GAMBLOR! lens, but Burnley sits 23rd in the table, have given up 10 goals in 4 matches, and have a -5 goal differential. Yet, they are betting favorites at roughly even money. Like my old gambling buddy Charles Manson used to say, “Monty, they’re telling you who to bet.”

The pick: Burnley (-110)

10:00: Queens Park Rangers vs Middlesbrough – Big things were expected from the Smoggies this year after last season’s promotional near-miss. Middlesbrough currently sit fifth, but a closer inspection reveals potential problems with the playoff favorite. Will Lankshear rescued them with two late goals for an opening day home win over Lincoln City after trailing most of the day, and their last match was an uninspired 1-1 draw at Burnley, who have been dreadful. QPR, on the other hand, have been a model of consistency thus far, their only blemish a 0-0 home draw vs Bolton, who currently sit 15th. Middlesbrough are betting favorites at (+115) on the road, but I don’t see anything to justify that here.

The pick: QPR (+210)

10:00: West Bromwich Albion vs Watford – West Brom really thought they were a little bunch of Rory Calhouns, didn’t they? They opened with convincing wins against Norwich City and Burnley and found themselves perched loftily in 2nd place.

Then reality arrived like a downhill Nepalese glacier-tsunami in the form of a hiding and a tough home draw to Middlesbrough and current 2nd place squad Charlton Athletic, respectively. Watford are sneaky tough. Their schedule dealt them a first four of Southampton, Wrexham, West Ham, and Swansea and they only lost in game 4 to 1st place Swans. I love Sir Elton’s Moose Hornets in this spot.

The pick: Watford (+300)

10:00: West Ham United vs Derby County – West Ham have so many players coming and going right now, I’m amazed they’re playing with any sort of fluidity at all. But it is starting to come together on the attacking end, and back-to-back 4-goal efforts vs Southampton (EFL Cup 2nd Round) and Wolves should have Derby County concerned. But the Hammers recent tendency to drop points from winning positions and their suspect defensive play prevent me from endorsing them a full-fledged winner here

.

The pick: OVER 3.5 goals (+184)

And this encore matchup goes right in the teeth of the 3:30 college football window. Good luck competing with this, ya creepy limeys!

3:00: Swansea City vs Wrexham – Swans sit atop the table. You can’t miss ’em, there they are, their only flaw a scoreless home draw to Sheffield. Their three wins, however, don’t quite stand up to the strictest scrutiny. They caught Watford week 4, and we discussed the Moose Hornets’ schedule above. Their other two wins were against Stoke and Derby County – the Brothers ‘Meh’. What is undeniably impressive is the laser-focus of their defense, as 1 goal against in 4 matches is impressive in any league. The Red Dragons stumbled out of the gate with a pair of 1-1 draws followed by a 2-1 loss at the Racecourse to Birmingham City. Then they throttled frauds Millwall 0-3 to whet their appetites for this, their second Welsh derby of the early season. With all pressure valves opened and the league leaders in their sights, surely Parky has Wrexham up for it.

The pick: Wrexham (+200)

So there’s my picks. I’m parlaying them all for .15 cents to win $100. (I won’t) Enjoy the college football and may your ice cubes melt slowly.