Better Know A Guy Who’s Going To Screw Up Your Franchise For The Next 2-4 Years

Holy double-entendre, Batman! The carnies apparently crossed a wire or four when they put together this off-season’s Coaching Carousel, cuz it’s spinning fast and hurling off children into the hurricane fence. Coaches were hired today for two of the six open head coaching slots: Vance Joseph and Sean McDermott. Technically, Doug Marrone shook the “interim” tag the other day for the jaguars, but let’s face it: no one on this side of the Atlantic gives a shit. Let’s take a look at the real hires:

NAME: Vance Desmond Joseph

AGE: 44

TEAM: The Recovering Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos

PREVIOUS TEAMS: New York Jets; Indianapolis Colts; Colorado; Wyoming; Colorado; Bowling Green; San Francisco 49ers; Houston “Texans”; Cincinnati Bengals; Miami Dolphins.

ISN’T THAT A LOT OF TEAMS FOR A 44 YEAR OLD?: Yes, although the Jets and Colts were as an undrafted free agent defensive back.

WHAT DID HE DO LAST: He spent last year as defensive coordinator of the Miami Dolphins. Before that he was DB coach for the Bengals.

WEREN’T THE DOLPHINS SORT OF “MEH” ON DEFENSE?: Yes they were. The Dolphins were solidly middle-of-the-pack in most defensive categories like points allowed, scoring percentage, turnovers and penalties (which is actually an accomplishment when you have Ndamukong Suh). On the downside, they were the fourth-worst team in yardage allowed. That said, the offense couldn’t stay on the field (last in plays run) meaning the defense was out there a long time (second most downs played). That also said, the Dolphins have invested yuuuuuge money in their defense over the last two years, so a middle-of-the-pack showing is even less impressive. Plus, of course, his defense just got Lit Up by Antonio Brown and LeVeon Bell on national television. It’s one thing to go down hard when the other team has a bunch of potential weapons, but you, me and my dead grandmother knew that Big Ben had a play-sheet that (in its entirety) read THROW BALL TO TALL BLACK FRIEND and HAND BALL TO STINKY WEED MAN, and yet Joseph’s men were unable to stop either one.

THEN WHY DID THEY HIRE HIM?: Because they almost did last time. Apparently Joseph, despite never having been a coordinator, was the Broncos’ leading contender when they had a coaching search in 2015. Until Ol’ Horseteeth learned that his former backup Gary Kubiak was available, of course.

SO WHY DIDN’T THEY HIRE HIM LAST TIME?:Because Elway saw what he had done in Houston and thought to himself “I have GOT to get me a piece of that mediocrity!”

WELL, HE’S AT LEAST GOING TO HAVE A HISTORICALLY GOOD DEFENSE, RIGHT?: Whelp, that remains to be seen. Despite having coached multiple years (and gotten his biggest career boost) in Houston under current Denver defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, Joseph apparently made it known that if he got the job, he would shitcan Phillips in favor of current defensive backs coach Joe Woods. Now, it is almost impossible to tell from the outside how much of a team’s success or failure is due to a given head coach, coordinator or position coach, so it’s difficult to divine whether getting rid of the coordinator who has put together top-rated defenses in five different cities will have a deleterious effect on the undisputed and sole bright spot of the franchise. But from the outside, it seems like a bit of an unwarranted gamble. I’m guessing our Broncos contingent just started praying a little harder to their Mike Shanahan Bobbleheads for Paxton Lynch to shave his dumbass facial hair and throw for more than six yards per attempt.

THAT REMINDS ME- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ASSUMPTION THAT THE JOB WAS KYLE SHANAHAN ‘S TO LOSE?: You sure do ask a lot of questions. Are you a cop? Are you wearing a wire?  You have to tell me if you’re a cop, you know.

NAME: Sean McDermott

AGE: 42

TEAM: Buffalo Bills, muthafucka!

PREVIOUS TEAMS: William & Mary (played and coached); Philadelphia Eagles; Carolina Panthers

WILLIAM & MARY? IS THIS ANOTHER OVEREDUCATED IVY-LEAGUE DOUCHE LIKE JASON GARRETT?: Well, W&M isn’t an Ivy. Marv Levy coached there, which is good. Darren Sharper played there, which is bad.

LAST POSITION: Panthers defensive coordinator for the past 5 seasons.

THAT’S GOOD, RIGHT?: More or less. They were not as good this year as in a couple of past years, but it appears he’s not a complete incompetent.

WHO HE REMINDS YOU OF: Post-child-star Ron Howard

with a little bit of post-third-retirement Brett Favre

WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE WITH HIS HAT OFF: Well, let me check with Dr. Google….

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PLEASE GOD TELL ME THAT’S PHOTOSHOPPED: Nope. That’s straight from the Panthers’ team website.

OH SWEET JESUS THAT’S TERRIFYING: Yep. Essentially Ron Howard

crossed with Morbo the Annihilator

HOW WILL HE FARE WITH THE TEAM: Dear god, how can you think of football at a time like this? Didn’t you see the picture? ALIENS WALK AMONGST US! Get to the shelters!