I fell asleep during the Monday night game. It was a bit of a slog, with some brief glimmers of hope for the Giants, who were up 9-3 I think before some cat came running out on the field.

In Buffalo they throw pink rubber phalluses onto the field. In New York they tossed out something far more enjoyable for the fellas. Except Michael Sam, I guess, but he should never have been on a pro football field in the first place.  Because he’s terrible, not because of the affronts to god he commits.

Then, after the cat was shooed away there was a bit about college which didn’t quite make sense. It was some coach going to a running back recruit’s house. Now, the recruit’s dad was some sort of priest or reverend or some such and he wanted the recruit to focus on his schoolwork. The coach is slick, see, so he says yeah, ok, we’ll make sure he stays on top of his schoolwork.

So they must have bought it because then the kid goes for a visit and there are cheerleaders and a band and everything there to greet him. And then who’s his tour guide? It’s a 20-year-old Halle Berry. Of course that seals the deal. I’d be signing up pretty quick for that school, too.

But then when he comes back he finds out she’s got a boyfriend and the boyfriend is also the starting tailback and he gets a different tutor who’s some little twerp. Damn, I bet he thought, that wasn’t supposed to be the deal.

And then he goes out with the guys on the team. There’s some QB who could win the big award and an offensive lineman and a really intense kind of linebacker and some other defensive end who I guess used to be smaller but now he’s bigger.

And the QB, he’s picking up some woman who’s a tennis player but got an injury. She used to kill vampires. And he takes her out on his motorcycle and gets her scared but she kind of likes that. He’s a risk-taker. And you see her butt in a thong when they go over the jump and her skirt flies up. It’s probably just a double, though.

Then there’s the linebacker, his family was poor and he can’t even read except for the word “Adidas” on his shoe but he’s planning on going pro and buying his mother a house and he would’ve, too. He’s a real killer out there at MLB, talking trash and getting in the weak-minded offensive players’ heads. But then his knee got twisted around backwards on a nasty cut block and that was it. All he had was the door knocker.

Now the defensive end you find out got so big because he’s been doing steroids and now he’s not only big but he’s got the rage in him, too. And he gets the starting end spot so he goes out and smashes a window on a car with his head.

The assistant coaches see but they keep it covered up until he tosses a small woman around and almost gets thrown out but her dad’s a booster so he just ends up stopping and then starting again when he found out that’s why he was good and he’s a bum without the juice.

But the running back kid, he ends up winning over Halle Berry, of course, plus her dad and he not only steals her but he takes the other guy’s starting tailback spot. And to top it all off they make the old starting tailback and former boyfriend into the fullback. Ignominious end if I ever saw one. That’s a tailback’s worst nightmare right there.

Then the Cowboys picked it up a bit and eventually the dam broke on the game and they won going away. This brought about much hoary talk of magical curses and signs, etc. related to this cat.

But I don’t know. I think it was just a cat.