Owners To New Players: KEEP OUT

Responding to fallout from pictures of injuries inflicted by Greg Hardy on his girlfriend, several NFL team owners are calling for a halt to drafting new players into the league. “Every time a player screws up, it’s someone who played in college,” said Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones. “We think it’s high time we stop the flow of these college players into our league. We’re looking out for everyone’s safety.” Raiders’ owner Mark Davis concurred, adding, “It’s ludicrous to allow more players into our league when we have no way to know which of these players are criminals.”

NFL Players Association head DeMaurice Smith countered the argument, saying “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Painting all college players with such a broad brush goes against everything the NFL stands for. Besides, the vast majority of player crimes occurred while the players were here playing in the NFL. We don’t have college players looking to escape here just to commit crimes. These guys just want a better life for themselves and their families. If anything, we need to welcome these guys from the indentured servitude they experienced under the NCAA regime!”

Houston owner Bob McNair presented a compromise, proposing that players from Christian colleges be allowed in the league, since “It’s safe to say players who commit to religious schools do not cause any problems, except Prince Shembo, Josh Gordon, Ahmad Dixon, Daryl Washington, and many others. And of course Craig James killed five hookers, but that was years ago.”

Commissioner Goodell quickly quashed that idea: “We will continue to take players from all colleges, or anyone of eligible age who can play in this league. And we can make sure all incoming players are vetted properly. To suggest we can’t is just overreaction and histrionics.” At hearing Goodell say this, DeMaurice Smith recovered from shock and stammered, “Uh, yeah. The commissioner sounds reasonable somehow.”

Still, about half the teams’ owners (many with losing records who want to appeal to low-information fans) are rallying to keep new players out of the NFL for now. As Jim Irsay told Chris Berman over oysters and hookers, “I just don’t want those people interfering with our way of life.”