Dick:

Many days ago I went to buy a roll for my bathroom. I reached for the last one they had but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way.

Man cornered in elevator:

What happened to the roll?

Dick:

It was destroyed. But out of that a new method was born. The bidet was the new way!

And I had no idea there were bolt-on bidets you can just jam right onto your existing turlet! What a world we live in.

Now, as I’m sure you’ve heard due to the relentless news coverage, my curling league been cancelled. It was the week of playoffs so we will never know for sure if the team could have repeated as Friday Night Novice Champeens.

No matter. The real crime was the cancellation of the 2020 World Women’s Curling Championship. In an attempt to suture this gaping, tattered gash on our souls I will present to you the Theoretical Women’s World Curling Championship! This is something I brazenly cribbed from the Banner Madness series due to the sheer joy of voting and seeing the numbers go up afterward.

Will anyone care? Most likely no. But will there will be hot curling ladies aplenty and as much erotically-charged curling innuendo as I can think up on the fly? Most definitely.

For some inexplicable reason (lack of interested countries? I know Estonia can play) there were only 13 teams competing for the title this year. This works fine in a round robin/page playoff event but in order to make this work here I’m just going to give a first round pass to the top three teams based on their world rankings (which is how they’ll be seeded for the imaginary tournament).

So since #1 Sweden, #2 Canada, and #4 Japan are off polishing brooms, here are your Round One competitors:

First off we’ve got Team Stern from Switzerland, the sixth-ranked team in the world. Elena Stern is the skip but throws third stones.

They come into the match with a 50-29 record, scoring 7.66 points per game and giving up 6.52. They sport a Hammer Efficiency of 0.40 and a Steal Defence of 0.18. My all-star vote goes to Stern. Just look at that smile. You only fall for that once or more.

They’ll be taking on Denmark, led by skip Mathilde Halse. This is a pretty young team, I don’t think they play in the Grand Slam events on this side of the Atlantic so I can’t even say who’s who on the roster except that Halse is the second from the left here and I like the way the two on the right are smiling at me.

They sport a 10-13 record, putting up 6.75 PPG and 7.11 against. They’ve so far managed a Force Efficiency of 0.52 and a Steal Efficiency of 0.21. Not only that, they’ve got the eye of the tiger:

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Next up is world #9 Eve Muirhead and her Scotland rink. She’s had a good amount of success in international play, including a bronze in the 2014 olympics and winning the 2013 world championships, but has recently been overtaken by Anna Hasselborg for the title of “best non-Canadian lady curler”.

She’s also apparently into golf.

Scotland will be putting their 51-21 record and a shining 8.49 PPG vs. 5.90 PA up against Anna Kubeskova and her #79 ranked team out of the Czech Republic. I know nothing about this particular group but they’re sure to put in a game effort.

They’ve got a record of 21-27 and have scored 6.42 per game while giving up 7.29 so they’ll have to hope they can improve their hammer efficiency from 0.27 to have a shot in this tournament.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Next up we’ve got Tabitha Peterson from the #10 ranked United States. The team is usually skipped by Nina Roth but Peterson is skipping due to a baby coming out of Roth.

They’ve been to the Worlds twice and the Olympics once. I thought Team Sinclair with the foursome of leggy models would be here but, alas, they are not. Their 43-16 record is impressive, as is their 0.56 force efficiency. I’m a fan of second Becca Hamilton (below, second from right). She seems like she’d beat me at most sports.

They’ll be up against the Italians and skip Veronica Zappone, who in addition to having a great name also has a really good-looking team. She’s second from right below but whoever is in the middle should always be the designated screamer on the ice. I have yet to have that agreed to by the team but I will continue to send my weekly request letter.

Team Italy has a 24-17 record and a solid 0.37 steal efficiency to go along with their 8.42 / 6.38 points for/against. And, my goodness, don’t they just look fun?

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Now for one we’ve all been waiting for – the Russians. Sidarova and Bryzgalova are much better known due to a tendency to remove clothing in the vicinity of photographers but this year they are led by Alina Kovaleva.

Jeez. Maybe I should’ve just added in all the Russians. Well, don’t fret, this team is no slouch. They’re 57-20 and have a 7.62 / 5.74 PF/PA. Not only that their steal defence is sitting at 0.17.

They’re matched up against another one of my favourites, Daniela Jentsch and her team Germany rink.

They not only have the most widely varied heights of any of the teams, I just really like Daniela’s whole look. Those glasses, man, they make me want to pull out my old corn broom and just start a-sweepin’.

They’re also 44-34 with a hammer efficiency of 0.33 and are scoring 7.75 points per game, a full point more than they give up.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

And finally we have the #17 ranked team from Korea, skipped by Un-Chi Gim. They’ve got a 61-24 record and a nice 0.60 force efficiency. They’ve scored 8.74 per game vs. 5.89 per game against and here they are with their Canadian coach, who needs to quit thinking those dirty, dirty thoughts.

South Korea will be taking on #26 China in this matchup. China is led by skip Yu Han and brings with them a 38-21 record and a steal efficiency of 0.41. With 8.57 / 5.70 points for and against, they almost certainly bring along their own, equally filthy-minded, Canadian coach.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

That’s it for the first round. That was long and unnecessary but I had to write an overly long post about something so… there you go.