Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 13, 2021 Season

Oh my cats, apologies to yeah right.  That had to be brutal to watch.

Because the walk-off winner today belonged to…Baby Buster and the No-Fuck Lions, an 11-yard TD toss to Amon-Ra on the last play of the game.  The most unlikeliest of heroes, for sure.  It was a bonkers game from start to finish, with Minny playing from behind for most of it.  But having forced DET to burn all their timeouts, Dingleberry hit Jefferson on 3rd and goal for 6 (2-pointer no good), and at 27-23 with just 1:45-ish to play…we all expected Buster to curl into a ball and shit his pants.  But…he didn’t, and SKOL now needs to win out to make the playoffs.  Detroit now has a solitary win to match their solitary (Most Glorious) draw.  Apparently, 13 is their lucky number, as Week 13 was their last win…in 2020.

And that was really all for the early window.  But here’s a recap of the liquid shit that I watched.  FOAR YEW!!!

MRSA Dreamboat was no doubt pissy about his stats trending down, so old man Arians let him throw all over Sherman’s Ashes.  Atlanta, much like in the 1860s, offered little-to-no resistance.  Ferget hay-elllll, 30-17.

I had a Bearistocrats! feeling this week.  At home, weather game, and I didn’t believe that Murray and Hopkins were really ready to return to action.  Uh…I was wrong.  I was told in the game thread that Red Rocket has been demoted to Red Zeppelin.  Fair do, I suppose.  Garbage time TD and duece made it look deceptively close, but the Qards drank Chi****’s milkshake.  And maybe fucked its sister.  33-22.

Clippers du Merde went into the Diarrhea Chili Jungle, and rushed out to a 24-nil lead.  Yikes.  Burrow managed to lead his crew to the next 22, but then the wheels fell off.  I don’t know, I give up trying to decide who’s real and who’s not.  Is a fool’s errand.  41-22, Clips.

Did you expect the Humps to run train on the 500s?  They so done, 31-nil.  Jonathan Taylor’s team is winning your fantasy league.  Just fucking accept it.

Mathematical outlier time!  The first 6 drives of Iggles/Jest ALL ended in touchdowns.  But Philly made all 3 of their extra points, Noo Yawk went 0-for-3 (the third failure being an attempted two).  Zack Wilson actually looked GOOD.  But then Gangrene decided to start playing defense, and the expected game followed.  SEPA is experiencing supply chain issues with Jorts now.  But maybe wait to see if Minshew can sustain this, assuming PHI doesn’t rush Hurts back from his high ankle sprain.  Goeddert was certainly waiting for a competent passer under center, though.  33-18 is a fun score, just not much of a watch for the neutral.

I think RedZone showed like 4 plays of LOLfins/Gigantes.  Which was just as well.  Miami has now won 5 on the spin, after dispatching the Giraffe, 20-9.

Four games in the late window – or rather, three games and a crime against humanity.

The nice thing?  RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! let all their skill players score, which keeps everyone happy.  The bad?  Uh…the Jaguras playing at Full Jagura.  You NEVAR go Full Jagura.  37-7, and it could have been soooooo much worse.

The AFC has the LOLfins, the NFC gots the ‘Dacteds.  Well, technically, it’s just 4 in a row, but takes Riverboat’s bunch back to .500.  They led most of the way in Vegas, but a Heinecke pick turned the tide, with a late FG giving That’s Rikki’s Raiders! their first lead, 15-14 – with just 2:26 to play.  But alas, it won’t be a triumphant episode for the live studio audience.  WAS just snuck into FG range, but came up a foot short on 3rd and 4.  I expected them to go for it, as it was (i) a long FG for a new kicker; and (ii) still with quite a bit of time left.  But Rivera kicked, and the ball JUST snuck inside the right upright.  Vegas tried a deep shot immediately, and there was a bit of jersey grabbing.  No BLEERGH, though.  And no response FG attempt, with the Hail Mary falling harmlessly at the Dacted 2.  17-15 is your final.

Sure seemed like the Ratbirds had the Yinzers under their thumb – but BAL kept scoring not-many-points.  Eventually, it came back to bite ’em, with PIT getting the tying TD….that wasn’t, as Chris Bospoor (h/t, Ayo) missed the extra point wide left.  Wide by like 40 feet.  It was impressive, in its own way.  The teams then traded FGs, but a gimpy Lamar! couldn’t do his clock churning, chains moving act.  PIT got the ball back, drove down the field slowly, and scored the TD on 3rd and goal, 1:48 to play.  Made the deuce, even – so 20-13, the hard way.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MOAR!!  Just when Balmer seemed ded and buried, Lamar! converted a 3rd and forever, and all of a sudden he is in rhythm.  First and goal with like 25 seconds left, and a few tosses later he finds Sammy Watkins in the back of the end zone.  Great throw, great catch.  So, now it is BAL tying things up…except Harbs the Greater wants to end matters immediately.  And he was 100% RIGHT to do so, no matter what that Dungy ghoul says (my teevee is muted while typing this).  His defense is exhausted, his QB is MAYBE at 80% on his right ankle.  They are on the road.  And WOW, was the play ever there.  Great play fake – but there’s pressure – and the toss is maybe 1 millimeter too deep for Mark Andrews (who would have walked in for the win).  Shit, it wasn’t even an impossible pass to catch – but it would have been amazing for him to reel it in.  Nobody is to blame – just a great ending to a great Q4.  Yinz live to Yinz another day, 20-19.

What a cracker the Tomsulas and Truthers put on for our own pinko union THUG!!!1111 Cider Robbie, in his first home fixture after the border opened.  Something called Travis Homer ran for 73 yards to start the scoring – on an incredibly well-designed, better-executed fake punt.  But that seemed to piss Santa Clara off, as they took a 17-7 lead early in Q2.  Then things started getting weird.  Each side finds the end zone, but Money Man Robbie Gould clangs the extra point.  23-14, when Charmslinger manages the most unexpected 2-minute drill in recent memory.  23-21, half.

Now, the defenses get a turn.  Janeane dawdles in her own end zone, ‘Truther safety dance ties us up.  Wilson (who was still really rough overall, with a 6.2 YPA) hit Tyler Lockett for a 30-23 Q3 lead.  And then…oceans of nothing.  Seattle did drive deep into Tomsula territory, converting a 4th and inches inside the 10.  I mean, a two score lead is nice, but the maths says to keep burning clock and score the TD.  And it looked like they’d get it on a 3rd and goal shovel pass, but FUMBLE.  Santa Clara ball, 4 minutes to play, but 98 yards to go for a not-great passing offense.

Turned out, they’d get 105 yards on the final drive (seemingly all to George Kittle, “thank fuck” says Hippo’s Freezer Vodka team), but a block in the back meant that was three too few.  The pass rush didn’t get home on 4th and goal, but the frustrated DL rightly put his hands up and got the game-sealing deflection.  30-23, yuuuuuuge blow to Santa Clara’s playoff push.

Exhale.  Still have SNF to go, and it’s Donks/Chefs!  FUN!!  Or – how much Footy Manager will Denver force Hippo to play?

Answer – Hippo clicked into Pretend Man City mode at 8:35p, EST.  Oh well, still a fun weekend of FITBAW.  Thanks for sharing it with the rest of the Clubhouse.  Chefs win, 22-9.  Defense was heroic, got no help.