Hi.

I’m supposed to preview the Wales team for the 2016 UEFA tournament.

Ordinarily I’d do some research, make some smart ass comments about coal and a seeming hatred of vowels couple with an obsession for L’s and W’s.

But here’s the thing:

I’m drunk.

And I know nothing about Welsh soccer, except that Gareth Bale plays for them and he’s pretty good and makes a shit-load of money to play in La Liga.

Here are some things I know about the Welsh soccer team:

1. Their nickname is ‘The Dragons’

2. Gareth Bale plays for them and he is “100% fit”, so that’s awesome.

3. This is the first time two first-time UEFA contestants, (Wales plays Slovakia in the first game), faced off against each other in the first game in, like, forever. Or less. I read that somewhere just now but can’t remember where and fuck it, I have more beer.

4. I just drove 80 minutes round trip, stood in line for 20 minutes for 12 beers, went to a friend’s bonfire and now have 8 beers, (+/-), and I’m STILL getting this write-up out before the first Welsh UEFA game at noon tomorrow. Fuck The Dragons, I deserve a medal here.

5. FIFA, which is to corruption what Taco Bell is to diarrhea, has Wales ranked 26th in the world. Which seems pretty good until you realize that there are SIXTEEN European teams ahead of them, all of whom are competing in UEFA and one of whom, Slovakia, is their first round opponent.

What are the Welsh chances?

Let’s ask their coach! This is an actual quote from him:

“We’re delighted to be here. We thought it would never happen but we are here. We’re super excited and very much looking forward the challenge tomorrow. The results will be what they will be but we want to make our nation proud. We need to perform like we can perform and then we will enjoy the moment. These are the players that got us to the tournament in the first place. Our core values must remain the same. All we can do is concentrate on our performance. This is the time to do what we have always done. But we have to enjoy it.

Walking out will be something special, but we’ve got to remember that we’re here to perform. I want to see the players enjoying and expressing themselves – they’ve earned it. We can only do what’s made us successful. Just walking out and singing the national anthem will be incredible.“

None. They have no chance. This is the kind of speech one gives to a bunch of Little League players who are about to get slaughtered by a team filled with kids with mutated pituitary glands. And I should know, because I’ve given that speech more times than I’d like to recall. I, however, will be rooting like hell for them because back in the late 90’s I used to play FIFA soccer at a friend’s house and I was always Wales, (because they were the fucking Dragons, duh), and I had one play where the goalie would boot the ball down the middle and then I would immediately flick it to the wing and then right back to the middle and I would ALWAYS score.

A couple of people have picked Wales as the biggest surprise in the tournament, although I would hasten to point out that they don’t say if it’s a good surprise, like “Surprise, my best friend thinks you’re cute and I think she’s cute and you’re having a threesome!”, or a bad surprise, like “Surprise, your best friend thinks I’m cute and I think he’s cute and he’s having a threesome and there are leftovers in the fridge.”

For the sake of the Welsh, and Pwyll, (seriously, what the fuck is with the Welsh and vowels?), let’s hope it’s the former.

King Arthur was probably from Wales. So there’s that. If the Lady of the Lake, her arm clothed in the finest samite, rises from the water and distributes a golden soccer ball in some farcical aquatic ceremony, the Welsh are taking it all.