[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

THESE FUCKING COCKSUCKER MEMPHIS SHOWBOATS, I CALL THEM THE SS MINNOWS. AN 0-3 START TO THE SEASON GETS YOU EXECUTED AT CENTER FIELD IN ARENA BALL. God DAMMIT, this is the UNITED STATES FUCKBALL LEAGUE! I will commit seppuku with a rusted tire iron if we lose again. I swear to fuck I’ll do it.  THESE ARE NOT IDLE GODDAMN THREATS, YOU FUCKING KNOBSLOBBERS!

Fuck your TV cameras and fuck you. I’ll take all of you with me if I go. No traction control ever, bitch.

THE COVINI C6W

Model Year: 2009

Total units produced: Unknown (custom-built; allegedly between 6-8 per year built between 2008-2016)

Vehicle type: 2-door, 6-wheel sports coupe

Engine: Audi V8, 4.2 L, 434 HP, 470 ft-lbs. torque

Drivetrain: Rear mid-engine, RWD

Transmission: 6-speed manual

Gross weight: 2535 lbs.

0-60 time: 3.7 seconds

Top speed: 186 mph

Vehicle cost: $640,000 USD ($915,000 in 2023)

What makes this car interesting?

Why go for four simple little wheels when you could have six instead? If you ever want to stand out at the next Cars and Coffee in your town, just simply show up in one of these bad boys. Yes, the Covini C6W looks… unique… but it’s absolutely purpose-built.

The story of the C6W actually starts in the 1970s with another historical vehicle, the Tyrrell P34. The 1970s saw some wild innovations in the world of F1 racing, and the Tyrrell vehicle, similarly sporting six wheels, ended up with eight podium finishes in 1976, including the Swedish Grand Prix. While six-wheel drive was soon banned thereafter, Ferruccio Covini was inspired, and started designing what was to become the C6W in 1978. The project was shelved for decades until 2004, when the vehicle was finally unveiled at the Geneva International Motor Show. It finally entered limited production in 2008, and was apparently still being manufactured in limited quantities as late as 2016.

This show has featured eight- and six-wheelers before, but it’s fair to say that this particular has some fairly impressive technology at hand. Unlike so many other triple- or quad-axle vehicles, both sets of front wheels are able to steer and brake, adding to the manoeuvrability and overall handling of the car. Covini marketed this vehicle as being more safe than your average supercar; with the front wheels doubled up, any potential tire deflations or blowouts would be less catastrophic due to better weight and pressure distribution – so too a similar selling point for preventing the nose from hydroplaning. With the

While it’s true that the overall top speed of the vehicle is not eye-popping compared to other Italian supercars of a similar vintage, that initial 0-60 time of 3.7 seconds is still plenty quick off the line – and even accounting for the added weight of a second front axle and steering linkage, the overall weight of the car, at 2535 lbs., is pretty impressive. The carbon fibre bodywork does a lot to help mitigate the overall weight of the vehicle in a very effective manner. In all, the Covini C6W handles really well, it’s still plenty fast and light enough, and you get tons of caché amongst Euro sports vehicle enthusiasts. It has to be a perfect storm of vehicle attributes… right?

What makes this car stupid?

Well, for one… the price. Cost overruns in early development more than doubled the end cost of each car, and it’s tough to stomach that tag compared to better-known marques like Lamborghini and Bugatti, which, despite being similarly bespoke, still have better aftermarket support than this guy. You could by a FUCKLOAD of Camaros for that kind of scratch. Imagine the tire bills for this thing.

Also… Good God. Fuck driving dynamics. Fuck any and all logical arguments being made in favor of this car. The extra front wheels make this thing look so hideously awful that Republican judges are now trying to carve out new exceptions into their freshly-signed draconian abortion laws. If this car isn’t living proof that Italians need to be further ostracized from polite society, I don’t know what is anymore.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Inside the vehicle? Technically, no, you cannot, as it’s a little cramped as a two-seater, but at least it can take you to where you can in a big fat goddamn hurry. Lay enough rubber and you might even blow the clothes off both of you by the time you pull up to Makeout Point. But still, kinks and all, good luck finding anyone willing to ride shotgun in this thing. Even those awful fucking anime kids I see smoking meth behind the 7/11 aren’t gonna be down for this one. It ain’t happening.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

If you’re going with a double-axle front end setup, you’re actually approaching tank territory. Take all the tires off, replace ’em with some treads, and then strap a Barrett .50-cal on the roof. NOW you’re getting the wide berth you always wanted on the interstate. And the tundra. And the desert. Anywhere else you wanna go, really. Just make sure there’s a gas station nearby.

Speaking of Barrett .50 cals, MAYBE THAT’LL GET MY FUCKING RAGTAG DIPSHITS TO FINALLY FUCKING EXECUTE THIS WEEK. Park this on the opposing sidelines and just call plays tracking back and forth from a miniature turret. Now THAT’s motivation.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.