I have mentioned before that my dad’s family is from Texas. I have a cousin who lives in Palestine Texas, the home of my man Adrian Peterson. It’s in East Texas hill country. I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never had the strongest opinion of Texas despite the fact that I was born there. If you’ve ever driven through the Panhandle or West Texas you know what I’m talking about. Holy shit that is one big, long, barren, god-forsaken part of the country. Even tumbleweeds are afraid to grow there. Basically I avoided it for many, many years like the plague. A phone call from one of my favorite people ever and I changed my mind year before last and went to visit one of my god sons in Austin.

Austin is a fun fucking town. It reminds me of New Orleans and Vegas in the sense that most people go out to get absolutely shit hammered drunk. There’s a lively music scene, bars every couple of feet and some smoking hot college chicks everywhere. It IS the home of U.T. after all. Then last year I went to visit my Auntie who lives with my cousin in Palestine and you know what? Hill Country is beautiful! Hot and humid as fuck but still beautiful. I ended up making a third trip to Texas just a few months ago when my dear Auntie passed away. Miss you Auntie Dell!

My Auntie and Uncle and cousins have lived in Texas their whole lives and boy can you tell. As you mingle amongst the locals you will catch a twang here, a “Y’all” there but when my cousins speak? I have a nephew who summed it up best, he said “They are country as fuck!” He was correct. Out of everyone I encountered the Texas drawl was, by far, most prominent with my cousins. I also noticed another trait with these long time Texas dwelling individuals: Holy good goddamn do they love to talk. You will never be able to get a word in edgewise if you get in a Texas conversation. I also really enjoyed the colloquilisms. My cousin was talking about one of her granddaughters. I guess she is energetic and rambunctious so my cousin referred to her as a real “Ring Tailed Tooter”. Ring Tailed Tooters has been my fantasy baseball team name ever since. Another thing I noticed is the best way to start an argument with two Texans is to ask for directions. It’s hilarious. “When you get down by (pronounced bah) the main road yer gonna wanna make a left”.

“No, no NO!” if you make a left yer gonna end up in Elkhart and it’s gonna take ya another 45 minutes. What you wanna do is head right, then when you get to the Whataburger, yer gonna…

“Whataburger?! If you head that way yer gonna hit construction and it’s gonna take you another…”

“I’ve only driven that same route every day of mah damn life (pronounced “lahf”) I know what I’m saying!”

“And I’m just saying it probably took you an extra hour to get here if you took that knuckle-headed way!”

So yeah. One thing these people can do is cook. I think you are taught to smoke a brisket in Kindergarten and can’t get to first grade unless you’ve perfected it and can also fry a chicken, make some potato salad and you better whip up a big-ol-batch of ambrosia while you’re at it. Which is my long winded way of saying: Let’s make some Texas chili. Hot damn!

Chili is another one of those things I should have started making years ago but didn’t really start until about the last ten years. Absolutely everyone needs to have their very own, personal chili recipe. I should also mention that maybe you should bookmark this page for later because why the fuck am I making chili in August? This is Winter food! I’m going to say something that may be unpopular but you know what? It’s not really that hot here (ducks flying debris from the Kommentariat). Really, it only got to about 75 degrees! (ducks flying anvil). As I said, bookmark this, come back the week before the Super Bowl, reread and give this one a try because it’s a damn beauty.

For the Chili:

1 big ass slab of chuck roast, about 3 pounds cut into chunks

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

3 tablespoons of oil, canola or safflower or whatever you have on hand

1 large white onion chopped, reserve some for a topping later (if you are onion inclined)

7 cloves of garlic, minced

2 large jalapenos fire roasted and minced*

1 large poblano pepper fire roasted and minced*

1 28 oz can of crushed san marzano tomatoes.

1/2 cup (that is correct) of chili powder. I’m using Gepharts today because it’s a Texas thing

1 tablespoon of cumin

(2) 12 oz beers. Use a nice cheap domestic for this

a little splash of vinegar at the end – trust me

Grated cheese, minced onion and some Fritos – if you want – for a garnish.

* for fire roasting, grab a pair of tongs and cook these fuckers right in the flame on your gas powered stove. If you have an electric stove, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe start a trash can on fire. Cook the chilis until they are blackened and seared on the outside. Place in a paper bag for a few minutes and take off the seared, blackened skin. These are the chilis we will be using today. There is one poblano, two jalapenos and I’m pretty sure the other one is a Chamayo or New Mexico chili that I personally grew on my balcony. There were two but some asshole bird ate most of the second one. If I had caught that little fucker you would have read about it in the ingredient list. Fucking birds, man!

And here is my chili plant pre-bird-attack. Asshole birds.

Heat a dutch oven up over a medium-high heat and brown your chunks of meat. Season with salt and pepper. Work in batches to keep from crowding the pan. Cook a few minutes per side. Take browned meat and transfer to a plate or bowl. In the same dutch oven, toss in your chopped onions and chilis and cook for about 5-6 minutes until onions are translucent. Add the garlic and chili powder and cumin next, cook until fragrant just about 30 seconds, now dump in your two beers, I hope you’ve got about 20 reserved for your self, and the tomatoes. Reduce the heat and cook for a long fucking time. Like 2 1/2 – 3 hours long. You are going to stir every 15-20 minutes, keep the heat low dammit and if you need to add salt and pepper accordingly. A cool trick I learned from watching the competitive chili cooks, about 30 minutes before the chili is done, drop in another 1/2 teaspoon of cumin and another teaspoon of chili powder to “brighten up” the spices. You will know when this is done if you pay enough attention. The sauce starts to thicken up, the meat starts to break down and it will look like a thick delicious batch of chili.

You can finish this with a splash of white vinegar, it really works, just prior to serving. Or be fancy like me and use a splash of balsamic vinegar. Add in some minced onion and top with some shredded cheddar cheese and serve. This also works with nice batch of cornbread. Don’t worry, I’ll do cornbread another day, even though it’s only in the 70’s I don’t want to turn on the oven.

Now a note about the beer in the photo. That’s a Grand Hill IPA from my boys at El Segundo Brewery. I’ve linked to them many times in the past. My god son, cousin of the god son I visited in Austin, is a cicerone and part owner of the brewery. I linked to an LA Times article from last week describing this new insanity they are attempting. This beer is a part of what they call “Day One” beer. They are bottling the beer in the morning, boxing them up, putting them in one of their numerous vans and distributing them to the stores, liquor stores and restaurants that are carrying their beers ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY THAT THEY ARE BOTTLED! HOLY SHIT! They are doing day one delivery to all of L.A. and Orange counties. Additional note: the name Grand Hill comes from a street named “Grand” that runs from downtown El Segundo all the way west where it dead ends into the parking lot at El Porto Beach. If you try to walk this hill in the opposite direction, from the beach East, you will encounter a hill with a grade like the Loveland Pass. It’s straight fucking uphill. Did I walk this hill this morning knowing that I would be making this post later today? Yer Fuckin’-A man. It’s kind of a Sunday tradition to climb the damn hill. What’s great is, at the top of the hill, you can make a right on Main Street and in 1 block you will arrive at the brewery to find something to reward you for climbing that bastard hill.

So there you go! Now you can just kick back, jam out with the brother on accoustic guitars, fire up the vapery and have some delicious, smoky, smoldery (?) spicy chili. You know what? If you wanted to throw a can of kidney beans in here and cook for the last hour you could. But it wouldn’t be Texas chili.

We’ve got us a right proper shin dig right ‘chere. We’re gonna drank some beers, eat some food and celebrate that really unusual state of Texas. “Now when you leave? Yer gonna make a left!”

“Dammit Perry that ain’t right (rhat) if he goes that way, Hell! Where the tarnation are you trying to send him?”

“Carl, yer dumber than a dead flashlight battery, I love ya but still!”

Enjoy. Try to embrace the West Coast Craft. They are making delicious beers out here.