Arian Foster Proclaims Himself An Unbeliever, Is Immediately Punished By the Almighty

In an incident completely devoid of any irony whatsoever, it is now being reported that the Almighty God exacted His revenge upon Arian Foster for his stated belief that the Holy One, Blessed Be He, does not exist.

Foster was the subject of an ESPN The Magazine feature, where he “came out of the closet” as someone who does not believe in The Holy Father. Not one to just sit back and let people believe that He doesn’t exist, the Lord Our God reportedly caused Foster to strain his groin muscle to point where it separated from the bone. Foster is now expected to sit out for at least 2 months.

“I had no idea that merely stating my lack of faith in the God of Abraham would lead to consequences that are unquestionably traced directly to the offending act,” said Foster. “Had I known that Elohim does in fact exist, I would have never espoused those views.”

“It’s about time that the King of Kings struck right at the heart of the non-believer,” said Foster’s former backup and devout Christian Justin Forsett. “It seemed like for the past few years, you couldn’t be an openly Christian person in the NFL. I was the third string back behind Arian for years and the only thing holding me back was my outspoken faith in God and his son Jesus Christ. It was only through the divine intervention of the Holy Spirit, taking the form of Ray Rice’s fist, that I am now a starting running back in the NFL.”

Tim Tebow, who was the victim of relentless anti-Christian bigotry during his time in the NFL, said that “Arian seemed like a nice guy, but it’s people like him that won’t let me on an NFL team.” When asked why Foster, who was raised a Muslim, had not been struck down earlier, Tebow replied that “the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

When reached for comment, a spokesman for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that his office was conducting an investigation as to whether Yahweh’s punishment was an inappropriate usurping of the Commissioner’s authority.

The All Knowing, All Powerful Divine Being did not respond to repeated requests for comment.