Tailgate Time! Game Day Menu and Vikings Preview

laserguru

laserguru

yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn’t plate.
laserguru

Oh fuck yes, people. We survived the off season and we are on the eve of the first full slate of NFL action for the year. If you read any of my Sunday Gravy posts you know that I’m ready to throw down the elaborate, extensive dinner menu at any time but when it’s football season? Fuck right off! I am affixed to the sofa, beer in one hand and remote in the other. What I hope to bring to you with this new concept for an NFL in-season post is something you can either prepare ahead and get in and out of the kitchen in the time it takes to complete a referee’s review or something you can get on and off the grill while your team plays at a different time of the day.

The way this is going to work will depend on when my team – the Vikings-  plays during the day. Since we are not playing until the second Monday Night game, I have free reign to cook for the starving masses on Sunday. Even with the available time to cook whatever I will not be breaking tradition. The opening day tradition in the “right” family household is… grilled brats.

brats!

By the way am I going to be the only person here who will actually finish watching the second Monday Night game? Holy shit that’s like a 10:30 start for you poor East Coasties. I work until 7:00 PM weekdays so a 7:30 local start is goddamn perfect. Gives me time to get home, get the beverages ready and watch at my leisure. I’m sure the neighbors will be scared shitless by some random screaming at 10:00 at night but fuck ’em it’s football season.

If you’ve gotten used to such luxurious menu items as my brisket or the glorious quiche lorraine well this ain’t gonna be that! This is football food in all of it’s lack of glory. You want classy? I can’t help you today. In addition to grilled brats, we are going to have some elaborate dishes such as onion dip and chips:

onion dip

I slaved hours over a hot spoon to make this. No I didn’t.

The always mandatory opening day pork rinds:

pork rinds

These fuckers are the quickest route to crack open your first beer that I know of.

And you must have some delicious crunchy nuts of choice, you know, for health reasons:

cashews

Goddamn I love cashews. It’s hard to break down the nut hierarchy but I can narrow the top three down to cashews, macadamia nuts and pistachios but I mostly love them all.

That’s it! Now that’s a challenging menu to throw together isn’t it?

To prepare the brats: start up your charcoal grill but don’t use too many coals because these fuckers cook in about 3 minutes. Get a cooking pot or dutch oven, add in the brats, pour in a beer or two (use the cheap domestic shit for this) add in half a stick of butter, again for health reasons, and add in half of a coarsely chopped onion. You will simmer the brats for about 15-20 minutes until they resemble, as my brother so eloquently puts it “until they look like an old man’s dick”. They will be an off-putting stage of grey and they will be in what I like to call the “Roethlisberger State”. Take the dicks brats out to the grill and put a nice crisp brown to them. Just a couple of minutes really. It’s kind of a shame to waste these glorious coals so if you have something else you would like to grill on there then do so. Also use a little caution because once in awhile one of the sausages will develop a little pinhole opening and you have to be careful because this old man’s dick may just shoot you right in the eye and you don’t want that.

Serve the brats in a quality bun with a little mustard and that’s pretty much it. Get after it. Serve with the above mentioned sides or you can add in a can of ranch beans, or baked beans but to be honest brats and beans, while delicious, are a pretty lethal combination a few hours later. Just a fair warning.

 

Vikings vs 49er’s Preview:

I thought I would include this here for the folks who will be passed out before the end of the first Monday Night game.

The Vikings open the season by traveling to the “Mistake” in Santa Clara. Seriously you spent a BILLION dollars and couldn’t even put in a decent turf? The ownership was more worried about installing decent wifi so you could text in your order of a wheat grass and lemon curd smoothie instead of, you know, putting decent fucking grass on the field. And to make matters worse they schedule every tractor pull, Super Moto-X (SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!!) and Taylor Swift concert on the planet to recoup the cost and to make up for the fact that this billion dollar fucking facility is occupied for a grand total of 10 days a year. Buncha fucking dickheads! If the marquis attraction is the team then give them a decent playing surface you goddamn google zombies!

The Vikings welcome back our former league MVP Adrian Peterson. Couple this with the rise of our second year quarterback Teddy Bridgewater and a scary fast receiver group and our offense should be balanced and multi-faceted. The biggest concern is the right side of the line. I have total faith in our rookie right tackle, T.J. Clemmings, seriously Phil Loadholt was a fucking offensive foul personified, but the loss of All Pro center John Sullivan is a bit of a concern. We also start a new right guard in Mike Harris so basically from the center position right, we are all new. Joe Berger takes over at center and he proved to be a versatile multi-position offensive line stalwart last year when we lost our right side then as well. Let’s hope for the best.

Defensively, I fully expect this team to be a top 10 defensive unit. There is crazy depth at D-line featuring Beastly Everson Griffin, the remnants of Brian Robison and the human fire hydrant Linval Joseph at or near the nose. The linebacker corp is manned by my new favorite Viking and San Pedro resident Anthony Barr who is entering his second year. He is joined during the nickle formation by his former UCLA team mate Eric Kendricks who should be able to eventually move to the middle and will be our long term “Mike”. The secondary added depth by drafting Trae Waynes at corner in the first round. He will be used in the nickle to start since we have the luxury to let him develop. Harrison Smith at safety is reason alone to watch the game. He is quick to recognize the play, quick to break on the ball, advantageous with a turnover and can hit like a motherfucker.

The 49er’s? Well? I will defer to our own Covalent Blond to answer that.

I’m expecting a close game. The Vikings enter as 2 1/2 point road favorites and I can’t remember the last time I could say that. I’m thinking it will be a nail biter, for me anyway, the rest of you will be passed out face down on the floor before this one finishes up. I think the Vikings win and seal the deal on a late turnover.

Final score prediction Vikings 24 Niner’s 17.

If anyone has any additional opening day traditions I would love to hear them. Drop us a line in the Commentist section.

Football! Hell Yes!

laserguru
laserguru
yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighBig Black Richardlaserguruupforwhatevermonty this seems strange to me Recent comment authors
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upforwhatever
upforwhatever
WhyEaglesWhy

I will sure as hell be up for the second Monday night game…it comes on at noon Tuesday! This will be my initial attempt to watch NFL Game Pass at work. We have a very chill vibe, so I think it should be fine.

Incidentally, I spent all day Sunday in the yard ripping up AstroTurf, chipping out the supporting gray gravelly shit, replacing it with soil, and planting trees. So I’m treating myself to yeah right’s carne asada tacos and home brew tonight!

monty this seems strange to me

The Monday night game comes on at noon on Tuesday… head asplode.

Are you from the future?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tried this tonight; I really liked it, not for those who are not IPAophiles.

http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/140/148052/

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“While on safari in Africa, on the Okavango Delta, Botswana photographing wildlife, this leopard had made a kill and brought it to her cub high in a tree. While her cub was safe feeding, she made her way back down the tree through some heavy grass toward me with her head down. For a brief moment she lifted her head and I was able to get the shot. Her damaged eye did not effect her ability to hunt. After reviewing the shot it was almost as if this magnificent cat had an eye on the Universe.”

Photo credit and info: © Wayne Wetherbee

http://40.media.tumblr.com/cfc5d5b37585791052f9e209a96d0a16/tumblr_nsjdhrqOuv1r8vrhxo1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit that is amazing.

I have a photo I took of a lion with one milky blue eye and one good one, (which, thanks to my tremendous lack of computing skills, I am am unable to get to show up here), that is really cool but good God this photo makes it look like a picture of our house cat glaring at me because the window’s closed.

Grummmmble
Grummmmble

Darth Panthera

Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

No one is going to read this, but I’ll write it anyway. Your comment mentioned the Okavango Delta. That’s a very special place. The Okavango River does not flow into the ocean. It does not flow into another, larger river. Rather, it flows for several hundred miles and then spreads out into this huge delta in the middle of the desert and it stops right there.

Some of the water seeps into the ground. Much of the water evaporates, because it’s a desert. But the Okavango is the only river that I know of that just comes to a stop, rather than continuing to flow into the ocean. I think it’s pretty cool. And the wildlife in the area is definitely cool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meeep! I read it and looked it up; pretty cool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Martin

Thank you. Fuck this meme to death.

packman_jon
packman_jon

In short, they gave up 86 points. It’s a team that has only had football for two games but DAMN.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Needz moar sausage

ballsofsteelandfury

Great job! I’d never heard of adding butter to the beer when initially cooking the brats, but that makes a lot of damn sense!

Btw, with the number of UCLA Bruins on your team, I am both happy and scared for you. I really hope they manage to play up to their ability.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What were you supposed to tell me from the other thread? From other news I’ve recently gotten did UPROXX or NFLmemes by DFO?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nope? OK.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ve had good luck with butter, olive oil, and pouring beer in almost gone bottle/ containers of mustard, hot sauce, BBQ sauce and the like, shaking it to get the last flavors.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s good recyclin’!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Weird; I like to add soy sauce to the beer and sauerkraut for the brats, that is how I found the saltyness adds something.