DFOutstanding Commentists – 9/5/15 through 9/12/15

Top Notch!

Even though we are blazing our own path here in the wild badlands of the Internet, there are some traditions that are worthy of keeping.  One of those is praising our own when we do a good.  After all, this Commentist party was built on Excellence in Commenting.  With that, I present to you the first batch of our Zombie Al Davis Commitment to Excellence Awards:

Can that brain run a 4.2 40?

From the Inaugural JV Football Open Thread (9/5/15)

Buddy: Why’d you pick Adrian Peterson at #1?

Me: He’s going to be really fresh and ready to go because unlike his son, he hasn’t been hit in more than a year.

Buddy: …..

From A Psalm of Tim (9/5/15)

Chip Kelly Thank you Tim. I know you know the Bible. So, the path of the righteous coach is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish offensive coordinator and the tyranny of evil agents.
Blessed is he who, in the name of Oregon and good will, shepherds the weak QB’s (You listening Mariota!) through the valley of pre-season, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost free agents.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my Eagles. And you will know my name is the Lord Kelley when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

From the Jacksonville/London Jaguars Preview (9/7/15)

You have no idea how bad it really is. The five playoff wins is still better than the Chiefs (3) and the Lions (1) since the NFL merger, not since the Jags came into the league, since the fucking AFL/NFL merger. Let’s delve into the suck.

– 4(Four) WR’s drafted in the first round in team history. 4( as in every single one of them) bounced out of the league for substance abuse: R.J. Soward, Reggie Williams, Matt Jones, and Justin Blackmon

– With the exception of Tony Boselli, there hasn’t been a Pro Bowl player they haven’t stumbled into. Brunell, McCardell, and Jimmy Smith were all castoffs who happened to wildly exceed expectations. Fred Taylor was only drafted because Curtis Enis was taken by the bears. Coughlin wanted the fat slow 240lb back instead of the 230lb back who ran 4.3 and had 3% body fat. MJD was just supposed to be a return guy. Annnnd scene.

– Jack del Rio impressed Wayne Weaver by having his calendar filled out three years in advance to the quarter hour. How is that not bullshit? And it all ended nine years later with me standing behind del Rio in a pastry shop at 9:30 in the morning on a Friday in November. Most NFL coaches would have already been at work for six and a half hours, but Jackie Rivers knew the team was being sold and he was getting fired, so fuck it he got some eclairs. I would have talked shit to him, but that is a big muhfucka. He was every bit of 6’4″ 270lbs.

— Blake Bortles had the worst QBR in the NFL last year — worse than Geno Smith and Kirk Cousins, and Raheem Abdullah Carr (that’s the Raiders’ QB’s name, right?)– and he isn’t within the Hubble telescope’s range of being the worst QB the Jaguars have drafted in the last five years.

— When St. Louis fucked up in 1994 and the team was awarded to Jacksonville, Jacksonville ALMOST gave it back because a couple of country clubs didn’t want to integrate… in 1994. It’s not that the 20-something Negro players might want to join, but there were going to be a number of team and league reps who um… uh… may not have the closest relationships with our Lord and Savior who were going to be forced to live here and they might want to. These old money pieces of shit actually tried to dig their heels in.

— The Jags just traded their best player, Josh Scobee, to the Steelers for a 6th rounder. The kicker was their best player. Now their best player is the punter who was drafted in the 3rd round five spots ahead of Russell Wilson.

I don’t watch them anymore. They’re boring in the way they suck. There’s no butt fumbles or drama. I want Blake Bortles to start speaking in a fake English accent to troll the fans about the team moving to London, saying shit like tele and pitch and match and innit.

From the HOLY SHIT BROWNS post (9/7/15)

Assaulting a woman who isn’t your wife outside of an elevator? These Browns really are different from the ones that moved to Baltimore.

From the Carolina Panthers preview (9/7/15)

Weird – just went to the Panthers’ home page, and under “Contract” each player’s status is “Indentured.”

I really like Cam. He’s had some tough stretches the last few years, but you’ve got to watch out for him once he gets rolling.

From the Texans preview (I’m still not sure if this is real, 9/9/15)

I was lead to this website from another user and I have an unbelievable story to tell.

I’m a Texans fan.

From the Atlanta preview:

I will never tire of “Sherman through Georgia” jokes.

Although my wife, Georgia, is pretty damn tired of them.

But it is soooooooooo charming to live in Mid-Town or Virginia Highlands! Look! I even restored this house built in 1954 with my own hands! 1954! It’s historic and personifies the struggles of Atlanta rebuilding after being unfairly occupied!

From the In Which We Rank Athletes From Other Sports At Their Potential Ability To Play Football (9/9/15)

Tony Stewart, because he will run a guy over.

From the Thursday Night Football Open Threads:

Meanwhile at WP headquarters:

Truly, this has been a Gronking to Remember.

From the Raiders Sign Aldon Smith post (9/11/15)

I GET ALDON! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU ARE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN

From the Selection of Phrases from Recent Posts post that turned into a Friday night football open thread (9/10/15)

From the EPL/JV Football Open Thread (9/12/15):

In addition, I am including a gif posts of the week category.  From the JV Football Open Thread post (9/5/15):

Wooooo! Long Weekend!

?w=302&h=372

Time to let loose

Here’s your Austin Collie in the CFL update:

Still BC’s 3rd best offensive option.

This has been your Austin Collie update.

and because I have a minimum of 4 months of physio for my strained groin, lets of stretching

From the Jaguars preview post:

From the First Half of Thursday Night Football Open Thread:

New England intros… I can’t watch even though it is the first game of the year and I miss football.

NSFWish

From the DFO Late Night thread (9/11/15)

And, of course, the Pictures of the Week:

From the In Which We Rank Athletes From Other Sports (9/9/15)

Man the internet is going crazy over what’s on Rex’s screen

Good job everyone!  Here is your prize:

 

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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Horatio Cornblower

I got two mentions and both were replies to original thoughts by others.

If that kind of ambulance-chasing shit doesn’t convince you I’m an attorney I don’t know what will.

Lothar of the Hill People

Maybe the obvious lack of a soul?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Yay, a DFOC?

Martin

Here’s my take on the DFO Commentist Trophy:

comment image

Senor Weaselo

If you want a vision of the quote of the week banner, imagine Make it snow typing funny and clever things at his keyboard—forever.

/Seriously though, great work all
//Do we have to rename Meast/Least?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m honored to be included, even if it’s valued like canadian currency in the 1980s

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Dammit guys, I don’t have time to keep this place afloat and be funny.

Wait, was I funny before?

Oh, now I’m confused.

All I really want to say is, I’m glad to see all of you assholes here. This is the best community on the internetz and we’re just going to grow into a monster. Or a bigger monster if you already were a monster. Or something. Keep up the good work, guys and gals.

montythisseemsstrangetome

This site is fucking awesome, and you sir are fucking awesome.

laserguru

This is the greatest thing ever.

The whole comment of the week making the banner slogan just makes me want to cry it’s so awesome.

/Taylor Swift

laserguru

I really do love this!

Martin

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm……. Sprinkles!

Enrico Pallazzo

A good James Dungy joke is hard to come by. Unless you are a gaping dude butt and then it’s easy to come by.

ThePirateSloth

YAY my Texans friend made it to the top prize! His mother will be so damned proud when he calls to tell her!

Zaracen

I called her and she was so happy that she said I was her favorite child!

Which is weird because I have no siblings.

ThePirateSloth

Someone is getting a gold star on their calendar for today!

Horatio Cornblower

It’s gonna get really weird when she tapes the computer monitor to the refrigerator.

Sill Bimmons
Martin

Anything is a sex toy if you will it.

Sill Bimmons

Not that.

It’s an inch tall and hole is about 1mm wide.

I suppose you could use them like benwah balls…

Martin

I stand by my comment.

And I don’t judge how anyone uses their sex toys.

Horatio Cornblower

Whatever. I’d fuck it.

Lothar of the Hill People

Screencap’d

Doktor Zymm

But how many mL can it contain?