Power Rankings of the 0-3 Teams

1. The Chicago Bears- These guys are number one with a Bulleit ’cause they need something to drink Right Now. Cutler’s selfless work had the desired effect-last week Clausen passed on 1st down only four times against Seattle. Oh, ye of completely justified lack of faith! During their ‘seen it coming from miles away’ disemboweling by the Seahawks they didn’t bother to cross their opponents 40 yard line all damn day. That’s quality crapmanship! That blinding flash that was seen in the Midwest last week was the smile that came across Jared Allen’s face when he was told he was moving on. But GM Phil “Call me Phil” Emery wasn’t done yet. By cutting his 2014 4th round pick he admitted that “The Brock Vereen Experiment” has come to an end. Into the breech comes safety Chris Prosinski and LB LaRoy Reynold because when you want the bleeding to continue you tinker with guys that might see some action on the kickoff and punt return teams. This week the Bears are dogs at home to a resurgent Raiders team. I’d like to say that they’ll implode but that would mean that they had something to ‘plode’ with and that doesn’t seem to be the case.

2. Detroit Lions- ESPN is right on top of this one, a recent burp went something like, “Loss of Suh, lack of run game help explain Lions 0-3 start”. How does one go about guaranteeing that the Vikes and Pack will make the playoffs in 2014? Slop the Bears and Lions into the NFC North, that’s how. A team in this precarious a position needs to have someone come forward and tip the balance in one direction or other. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the ever-helpful Golden Tate who said that the opposition is calling out the Lions vanilla plays before they are run. That’s some quality undermining of the coaching staff, Golden! In what may be called a response, HC Caldwell said that he would not be taking over the offensive play-calling, indicating that “it’s offensive enough as it is”. He then attempted to smile and ended up shattering into ‘several thousand pieces’. Five beat reporters were injured by the flying shards. The Seahawks, 0-2 and on this list quite recently, get to emasculate the Lions in primetime. What’s next down the road? No doubt a first round draft pick who has a first name starting with a “K” (Kevin White, Kyle Fuller, Kyle Long) and more disappointment.

3. New Orleans Saints- These fellas played the Panthers tough last week. Hot hand Luke passed at an 81% clip but grabbed the loss with an intercept late in the 4th. The D did their part as well-Olsen was targeted twice as much as anyone else by Newton but the only guy that didn’t see that coming was DC Rob Ryan. Two TD’s, 134 yards receiving by Olsen and a “how did he do that?” shrug of the shoulders by the Wolfman adds up to another quality loss by the Saints. Oh, and Rob-enjoy what’s left of your last year in The Big Easy To Score On Us. High voltage signee Spiller dipped his toes in the running waters and came up with a not-so-shocking 1 carry for 4 yards. Brees is throwing now so there is hope but it’s a lot like Chicago hope.

4. Baltimore Ravens- The strongweakest of this power quartet is the Ravens. They’ve accomplished this by taking their running game from 8th last year to 27th this year. Flacco hasn’t done his part though, he’s got a 11-2 TD/Intercept ratio. The guy doing quality work week in and week out is bad old dependable CB Jimmy Smith. Light a torch for this guy-actually scratch that because he was lit up by AJ Green to the tune of 2 TD’s and 227 yards receiving. His mantra this year is DON’T DO YOUR JOB! Although he deserves something of a break given that when Cincy was on the 10 yard line with just over two minutes left and everyone watching live and at home was saying “Dalton’s going to Green here-the guy’s got over 200 yards so far!”, the Ravens decided against the double team knowing that Smith would do what comes naturally to him. And voila, Touchdown! The Ravens get a Ben-less Steelers squad tonight and have traditionally played them close. Remember when Vick was The Shit? He’s the QB for Pitt tonight and he’s a different kind of shit now. Good-bye Ravens, it was fun having you on the list.