I’m a “somewhat proud” Canadian. I don’t think we’re the greatest country in the world (as though that could ever really be measured) because we’ve got our share of problems, not the least of which is we are governed by a robot prime minister sent by the corporate masters of the future to enslave us. But all in all we’ve got it pretty sweet. Our Thanksgiving weekend is upon us now and while I appreciate the extra day off it’s just another Long Weekend. It’s no different than the May, August and September long weekends before it. If it’s that special a day, why is the Tim Horton’s going to be open on Monday, huh?

Now directly beneath us (hah!) our once-proud and strong, now slipping-into-dementia cousins did one thing right. The four day late-November food/booze fest holiday known as American Thanksgiving is a thing of beauty-a fantastic idea that works perfectly in the real world. If one must travel, that extra day is a godsend. The regular 3 day’er means a rushed trip on Friday night or Saturday morning, some hello’s, a meal or two and then a jumping back into the vehicle of your choice and back to home. With the four day setup you can really get on a family member’s nerves if you’re so inclined. Plus, if you’re successful by late Saturday you can just hike it back to your preferred environs (where-let’s face it-you wanted to be all along) and still save a part of the holiday for the most important person in your life, you.

Did I mention anything about football? Oh yes, there’s a shit ton of football to be had, yessirree. There’s a triple-header on Thursday, [a little sidebar here, if you would- For those of us who long ago jumped off the good ship The USS Societal Norms and drink whenever the hell we feel like it’s not such a big deal but day-drinking is quite acceptable on this Thursday. The housewife, the proper button-down dude, the pizza delivery guy, grandmothers, recovering alcoholics, etc., everyone, I mean everyone  can drink on this day and not be judged. And isn’t it wonderful to live in a non-judgemental world, if only for 24 hours? Yes, yes it is.] a surfeit of college games on Friday/Saturday and of course the usual Sunday slate. Oh, is your racist uncle getting on your nerves again? You say, “I don’t have time for this, I have to watch the game.” That cool cousin that is a lifeboat in the vile morass of defective genes that is your extended family?-“Hey, why don’t we go to the other room/bar, watch a game and catch up a bit?”

One other thing that doesn’t get mentioned often enough is that U.S. retailers set aside a special day for minorities to shop and apparently there are great deals to be had! I’m not a fan of the terminology-“Black Friday” seems a bit heavy-handed and lacking in subtlety but nothing is perfect. Hey, Canadian retailers, when are we going to get an Inuit Tuesday? It’s long overdue.

To end I’d just like to say that Canadian Thanksgiving is so mundane that one gets to ignore a “special” airing of the CFL on Monday afternoon. That’s the programming we get-a wanktastic Argonauts/Alouettes tilt that won’t draw as many viewers as a “Littlest Hobo” marathon. CASE CLOSED!