So unlike scotchnaut, I am extremely proud to say that I am not a traitor to my own nation, and endeavour to wave the maple leaf as much as I can. When you look around at the situation in so many other countries and regions – the middle East, sub-saharan Africa, Los Angeles, etc., it’s impossible to not look back and feel your chest just bursting with pride at the situation we have here north of the 49. Bountiful natural resources? Check. Beautiful, cosmopolitan cities where you virtually never run the risk of getting stabbed? Check. A government that isn’t so large and overblown it’s liable to crash at any moment and be consumed by aggressive Chinese speculators? Check. These are but a few reasons Canada remains superior to the United States, but most importantly, we also own the shit out of our own version of Thanksgiving.

Americans: you need to educate yourselves on why Canadian Thanksgiving is superior to American Thanksgiving. There are so, so many reasons, but due to space constraints, I will list only the most obvious ones here, in nice small, words, so you can understand them better.

• Canadian Thanksgiving happens in the second full weekend of October. Weather-wise, this is almost always superior to the last weekend of November. Today, in Canada’s capital, it’s a beautiful sunny day, with temperatures sitting around 12 degrees C (50 degrees F for you backwards heathen). For those of you in the South, sure, you’ve got temperatures that will remain around that through the winter, give or take, but think about those poor bastards in Minnesota, Wisconsin, New England, etc., that will already be snowed up to their eyeballs by the time American Thanksgiving rolls around. Travel-planning around deep snow is a bitch – as Canadians, we are well aware of this. I’ve had Thanksgivings so warm we’ve had dinner out on the back deck, which has been just tremendous. Don’t take your chances with Ma Nature at the end of November – that time of the month can be testy, all right.
• Nobody really cares about shopping on this weekend. There’s no incentive to wake up ass-early on a weekend to join a queue with 500 other caffeine-crazed shoppers and their whiny, petulant children. This means more time for food, drink, football, and, if you’re actually a good person, time with your family! Holidays that are working to incorporate the commercial aspects into them as a key feature of the festivities are almost always stupid as hell, as a general rule.
• There remain a ton of football matchups on offer – college on Saturday, NFL on Sunday, and, because I am a complete whore for the game, it’s a weekend where the CFL is actually getting really intense as teams make the final push for the playoffs. When you add in the fact that the NHL regular season has just started up again, and throw in baseball playoffs to boot, you are completely 100% justified in not getting your slovenly ass up off the couch, save for when it comes time to reload your food trough.
• You guys celebrate Columbus Day on this weekend, I believe. I assume you’re all aware the dude was a racist, murderous asshole who single-handedly obliterated the native culture in the Caribbean? And yet, your government continues to celebrate the guy. I dunno for you, but I’d prefer to not hitch my identity on shitbags whenever possible, thanks.
• If Uncle Jim starts accidentally choking on that turkey bone, we’re not gonna bankrupt ourselves from an ambulance ride and hospital visit, because we have SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE THAT ACTUALLY WORKS.
• Lastly, but most importantly, we are COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in celebrating American Thanksgiving in addition to Canadian Thanksgiving. Call it weird, call it piggybacking, call it whatever you want, but I do know there is a growing chunk of the population up here that will celebrate with you all down south. Our cultures are so innately intertwined as is that it makes complete and utter sense for us to engage in not one, but two weekends of family gatherings, food and drink extravanganzas, and cheering on our favourite teams. However, when the vast majority of your country has only the vaguest semblance of an idea about their northerly neighbours, the reverse unfortunately does not hold true.

So checkmate. You do a lot of things well, America, but we have you beat on this one. There’s always room at the table, though – you’re welcome to join us in celebrating! Please remember to bring alcohol.