Dallas At The Bye Week: It’s All Gone Pete Tong

There’s a movie from a few years back called ‘It’s All Gone Pete Tong’, about a DJ who goes deaf and has to figure out how to deal with it.  I think I once watched half of it.  I liked the half I saw but not enough to ever watch the rest of the movie.  Perhaps I’ll watch it this Sunday, when the Cowboys are on their bye week.  Or better yet, the next week, when they’re playing.

For you see, the phrase “it’s all gone Pete Tong” is apparently slang Cockney for “it’s all gone a bit wrong”, which would be a polite way to describe the 2015 Cowboys season at the bye.  Here’s another way to describe it:

As you may recall I was full of optimism for the Cowboys at the beginning of the season.  I thought they were Super Bowl contenders, a sure-fire winner of the NFC East and likely to post a record of 12-4, if not 13-3.  Of course in reaching those conclusions I cited such factors as Dez Bryant being an All-World receiver and Tony Romo having had a fantastic 2014 season and seemingly primed to do the same this year.  Bryant broke his foot in Week 1 and Romo broke his collarbone in Week 2.  Neither has played since and neither is likely to for some weeks to come*.

I also had reason to hope that the defense would be better this year, in part because Sean Lee was healthy and ready to lead the D from the middle linebacker position, and in part because the Cowboys stole Randy Gregory, a high-first round talent, in the second round because of his fondness for self-medicating with the “wacky weed”, as the kids call it.  Gregory promptly sprained his ankle in Week 1 and hasn’t played since.  Lee has played in all four games this year but suffered yet another concussion during the Week 4 game against the ‘Aints, after which the defense promptly fell apart.

The Cowboys started 2-0.  Romo looked good, the defense looked adequate, there was a semblance of a running game and even without Bryant it looked like the Cowboys could still take the NFC East.  If they did that, and Bryant came back late, they still seemed to have a decent chance to go deep, just like pretty much anyone’s chance with your mom after closing time.

When Romo went down however, this guy showed up, and things have gone about as well as you would expect them to go when your team is lead by a guy who makes faces like that while wearing a football uniform, even if it is for the Browns.  Brandon Weeden is fucking terrible.  He cannot throw the ball more than 5 yards with any sort of accuracy, (even that may be generous), so opposing defenses have no reason to honor the pass.  Accordingly they play the run and the Dallas running game suffers.  When Weeden does go back to pass he generally has the mobility of one of those weeping angel statues from Dr. Who  ; when you’re looking at him he doesn’t seem to move but then you blink your eyes one fucking time and your entire season is dead.  Weeden looked absolutely lost against the Patriots; other than two scrambles he seemed totally incompetent and judging from the words being directed at him by Williams after Weeden overthrew him when Williams was wide open for a meaningless TD at the end of the game, he has completely lost the team.  Deservedly so.

The defense has been OK.  They did completely fall apart in the Saints game after Lee left, seeming to have less sense of direction than a bunch of ants after their queen has been stepped on, and the second half of the Falcons game was not the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, but in that case I have to admit that there’s only so much a defense can do after the offense decides that “3 and out” is the best way to defend an early lead.  This week the Dallas D, despite giving up 30 points to the Patriots, played much better, sacking the shit out of Brady and in general holding up their end of the bargain while Doopy Pantz held up his end of whatever bargain he made with Satan to have remained in the league as long as he has.  Of course the D improved as much as it did because Lee came back from a concussion after one week, (fuck head injuries amirite?), Rolando McLain came back from a 4 game suspension for substance abuse, and Greg Hardy came back from a four game suspension for being a terrible human being.  None of these are great reasons to root for the Cowboys.

Looking ahead I see four games the Cowboys can win; Miami, Tampa Bay and both Washington games.  In addition Buffalo and the Jets are late in the season and both of those teams could be out of it and not particularly interested in anything more than finishing the season as physically intact as possible.  Carolina’s been good this year but they’re also Carolina so I guess maybe that’s a possible win as well.  I don’t see the Cowboys having a realistic chance of doing anything but perhaps covering the spread in any of the other games.  The best case for Dallas seems to be 9-7.  Realistically they won’t beat Washington twice, Carolina is pretty good and the Buffalo/Jets combo platter will probably repeat on the Cowboys as badly as the grocery store sushi I foolishly ate tonight is repeating on me.  The worst case scenario for the Cowboys, (please understand that this is not a dare Weeden), is probably 5-11.  And they’ve already won two games so hurray for that.

My revised prediction for the 2015 Cowboys:  6-10. ** No play-offs but perhaps a nice draft pick next year to go with the returning starters.  Super Bowl LI here we come!

*There is some talk that Dez Bryant will be back in Week 7 or 8.  This is a terrible idea.  The man’s a great WR but a great WR with a shitty QB is almost as useless  as these ExTenze pills my wife keeps buying me.  He’s coming off a broken foot and feet are kind of important to a receiver.  The season is shot Dez; take the rest of it off, or at a minimum wait until Romo is back.  The absolute last nail I need in this goddamn season is Bryant fucking himself up long term.

**There might be a different outlook if Jerry Jones lets Garrett bench Doopy and puts in Cassell and Cassell can perform even competently.  An average QB who can hit a wide open receiver in the end zone from the 6 yard line would be a vast improvement over Doopy.  If Cassell can do this I’d think 9-7 would be more likely than not but all that will do is fuck up the draft pick so screw it, go all in with Doopy and see who they can get next April.