Pete Carroll Tries To Rally The Team



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

Seahawks team meeting – SpringHill Suites – Peoria/Glendale, AZ

Friday, January 1, 2016, 10:30 AM

Pete Carroll: Gather around everybody. I think there are enough seats for everyone.


[Players fill available seats]

Christine Michael: Coach? There doesn’t seem to be any room for the running backs.

Carroll: Oh yeah. It seems we’ve come up a tad short. That sound familiar? Raible’s said it enough times to burn it into my soul. Well, I’ve gotten Eduardo to set you guys up in the staff room. You can follow us on short circuit.

Michael: (whispers) This shit wouldn’t happen if Marshawn was here.

Carroll: You say something Christy? I hear Troy Hill is looking for roommates. Get to your box!

Michael: I was just leaving, coach! [Runs out of the room, hiding tears.]

Carroll: Now then, down to business. I hope you fellows had a good New Year’s. Sorry we had to set curfew for 11:00 pm, but those of you with a pool view should have had a nice look at the good time your relatives were having.

Bobby Wagner: That’s a question, Coach. Why did you let us invite the family on this trip, but refuse to let us have fun with them?

Carroll: That’s a very good question, Wags, and I…

Wagner: More importantly, Coach, why did Coach Cable beat up my son?

Kam Chancellor: BAM!

Wagner: Shut up, Kam. Coach, my kid’s only four.

Carroll: That’s an excellent question, Bobby. Tom?

Tom Cable: Not that it’s any of your fucking business, Baw-bee, but I was trying to motivate Sweezy. If these pussies are going to protect Mr. Fucking Sunshine, they’re going to have to learn to push back.

Wagner: But coach, he just wanted a Rice Krispie square. He said, “please”.

Cable: Hey! The little fucker cut in front of me at the dessert table, or couldn’t you see that from your fucking room?! Jesus, if you can let a little kid get past you to the dessert table, how are we going to protect God’s Special Little QB from Freeney? Prayers? That shit don’t work on the field, son. I set examples!

J.R. Sweezy: Coach, I forget – is Jesus a linebacker, or the Spanish kid that refills the muffin basket?

Cable: You see what I’ve got to work with? God! It’s like Lurch fucked Joyce De Witt and out popped this! The Virgin over there is lucky to still be standing. Fuck Annie Sullivan, I’m the real miracle worker!

Russell Wilson: Being a quarterback, the way I believe is there’s always so much room to improve. Any little detail. I always cut up the film and try to watch what I can improve on, whatever little detail it is. I believe that God has given me a right arm, and for some reason, even though I’m 5’11”, to be able to make the throws and make great decisions on the field and all that. #GoHawks!

Cable: Sweet fuck! Does this kid only talk in soundbites?! Get fucking laid, man – that’ll fix your head.

Carroll: Thanks Tom. Well, I think that covers it. Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Bobby, since it was your question, we’ll start with the defense. Now, we’re going to have to concentrate on cracking the Cardinals O-line early and often.

Chancellor: BAM!

Carroll: Exactly, Kam. We need to hit them hard. Remember, we still need to win this game if we want to avoid going to Minnesota or Green Bay. We need to play the Redskins.

Richard Sherman: Coach, is this because you think we stand a better chance against Washington, or because you want to start “another investigation”?

Carroll: Sherman, that’s enough of your conspiracy logic. I simply want to see if the magic we worked on Robert Griffin back in 2013 will come to fruition against Kirk Cousins. I think the combination of our defensive strengths and that bargain “turf” Snyder buys will give us the best chance to make it into the divisional round. That make sense to you, Stanford?

Sherman: Coach, it’s not that I question the logic of ensuring we give ourselves the best advantage in the playoffs. Rather, I want to believe your motivation for playing in DC is responsible and based in sound game strategy.


Carroll: Dammit Richard! That question so ignorant has Harbaugh stink on it. Look Poindexter, don’t forget who signed you. Without me, you’d be doing Vince Young’s taxes!

Chancellor: BAM!

Sherman: (whispers) from the gutter… Shut up, Kam.

Carroll: Now, let’s get serious. Boys, I’ve brought in a motivational speaker to help us this morning. He’s someone I’ve followed for years. He’s done some good work shoring up boundaries, patrolling the middle, and he knows a thing or two about providing offence in Arizona. Sir?

[Door flies open]

Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Thanks Pete. First…GET ‘EM, FELLAS!

[more doors fly open. County sheriffs enter]

Arpaio: Luke Willson, Jon Ryan. You are both being arrested for being illegal immigrants working within the state of Arizona. Canadians are just as foreign as Mexicans. Lemme see your papers. Carte verde, por favor?

Jon Ryan: What?

Arpaio: Sorry son, I don’t speak French. Do you have a Green Card on you?

Ryan: Sir, I’m from Regina, Saskatchewan. My Green Card is up in my room, if you’d like me to get it?

Arpaio: SPEAK ENGLISH SON! Now, my records indicate you were a foreign bomber prior to entering this country…

Ryan: A Winnipeg Blue Bomber, yes sir.

Arpaio: Can’t understand a word he says. Throw him in the van, boys. Willson, what ‘aboot’ you?

[Jon Ryan is tazed & led away]

Luke Willson: Sir, I went to Rice University. I’ve had a Green Card since I was sixteen.

Arpaio: I thought I caught a whiff of southern boy in your accent. Second test: Who’s your God?

Willson: Well sir, the Pope teaches that the Holy Trinity…

Arpaio: HAIL MARY! You’re one of us. Stiil, son, what’s the deal with the hair?

Willson: Nothing, sir. It’s just that I’ve been in Catholic school since I was nine. Now that I’m on my own, I just thought…

Arpaio: (sighs audibly) Son, that’s where you’re wrong. God the Father is always watching us. Growing your hair to look like the Lord is an abomination in His, and mine, eyes. Maybe some bologna sandwiches and pink stripes will change your mind right. Officers? (makes hand motion)

[Luke Willson is cuffed and led away.]

Arpaio: Now boys, let’s get to the real reason Pete brought me in here. Gentlemen, I am a constitutionally and legitimately elected sheriff, and I absolutely refuse to surrender my responsibility to the federal government. I don’t bow down to the federal government. This is the kind of commitment you need to bring to work every day.

Carroll: See boys? That’s pure blind, dogged attention to detail. We can’t bow down to the opposition, just because they have a better record and beat us in our own house.

Earl Thomas: But Coach, what is our game plan going to be? John Brown has become a legitimate deep target, and Fitty seems comfortable in his multi-purpose role.

Arpaio: Son, a game plan is just a document, and a document is only as valid as the printer you can prove the document was printed on. See this: (puts picture on projector)

Let me tell you about a game plan. Back in 1961, when NObama was born, a man named Frank Marshall Davis put in motion a series of events which…

Carroll: Thanks Joe. That take’s hot enough to melt real steel. I better stop you before you wreck this fine Marriott property. (*Just Pete Carroll laughs*) Now, Earl – you were wondering about our coverage packages?

Thomas: Yes, Coach. I was figuring that if we co-

Arpaio: Say Pete, staying on topic – haven’t you met the Traitor-in-Chief?

Carroll: Well, yes, Joe. We were obligated to show up; Mr. Allen made me. Plus, we were promised a tour, and I was told I would get to see the real 9/11 report. But all I got was an 8X10 of W, and an autographed copy of “The Pet Goat”. That’s why we need to play the Redskins in the first round.

Sherman: I KNEW IT!

Chancellor: BAM!

Arpaio: So, you looked the devil in the eyes and accepted his word that he doesn’t exist? Any man that dumb would pass on Second & 1 from the 2. Look, Pete, if I can’t trust you to take the law seriously, then what am I doing here?

Carroll: (whispers) Law? I guess you never watched me at USC. Sheriff, all I wanted was to have you rally my boys with some tough words, so they’d be ready for Sunday. Joe, look, you’ve taken away my punter and second tight end. Why would you do this to me?

Arpaio: For an old friend, who wants me to say, “Hi”.

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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[…] comment was on August 11, 2015, and my first DFO post was the New Year’s Day classic, “Pete Carroll Tries To Rally The Team“. Since then, I’ve become the irregular DFO non-game-day Open Thread purveyor, […]

Don T

Tom Cable transitioned from assaulting coworkers to infants so gradually I didn’t even notice.
Funniest stuff read all year.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I had a little trouble putting a “voice” to some of the guys I’m not that familiar with at first but damn, it really ramped-up and finished strong. Awesome!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fitting that 2016 would start with a pink taco


Excellent work! And on New Year’s Day, too. I need to step up my game in 2016…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tom Cable will punch you in the face!

Nice job.